Relapse. could be triggering !!!!!

I have relapsed guys thats why I havent been on here posting blogs. My apologies to my followers and those who are reading this. I have to say though if you are truly interested in what I have to say please follow this blog because it would make my day to see more followers.

As I said before I have relapsed. I am very suicidal at the moment. I have had a few attempts. The Borderline personality disorder seems to be getting the best of me, its like I have two brains, and the bpd is taking over at the moment. Just continual images, of skyscrapers etc. Leading me to eventually giving in. I am not proud of this by any means. But when you keep seeing the same thing over and over and dreaming about it even in a psychotic sense, visualizing everything and seeing yourself jump from a building, then it becomes literally an obsession to do it. Well I tried guys but there were latches on the window of the 6 storey building. Otherwise I would not be here telling this to you.

I do hope this is not too distressing to hear because it is nothing personal to any body. Its just I havent got a handle on the Bpd and it seems to be ruling. The eventual outcome of that experience was that the police caught up with me and were concerned wanting me to see the Catt Team Crisis team. They gave me a phone call but nothing else was done. You tell me if that is sensible. Leaving someone who obviously is in distress that they cannot control alone, in their surroundings. Yeah smart one DHB.

Anyway ended up attempting yesterday as well through another method. That was thorted in the end because there was a knock at the door and it was dad arriving home. Some how though I ended up saying goodbye to friends on facebook and leaving a suicide note for my folks. The police was called by friends of mine and my dad was informed. From there ended up mum being informed and so on. So yes not fun.

Still in a bad place. I am taking all my meds so thats not the issue, and I have been having counselling etc. But in a place that I cant seem to move my mind from. Its like a psychotic obsession. Except this psychotic obsession has got it in for me with plans rather than just emotions or feelings or thoughts that I can wipe out.

The other day my Bpd told me to go for a walk at 10.30pm at night. It pestered me so much that I ended up doing so. Now anyone else or myself in my right mind would say that is not a brilliant idea to do that because you could get raped, hurt, you are vunerable as a woman out at night on a empty street. But my BPD mind didnt care about the consequences and I had to shut it up because it was driving me crazy having the same plan going round and round and round in my head.

Anyway today is a new day but I am still incredibly suicidal. In fact too vunerable that I dont want to leave the house I dont know if thats a curse or a blessing. But driving a car is not a safe option right now and neither is walking up the road.

anyway bloggers thats me for now

just wanted to let you know why you havent seen me on here.


cheers


Tash

War against bpd.

I hv been really dwn tis wk. couldnt even go to supermarket easily today the idea of facing ppl nightmare when you hate yrslf.tonight I drew away frm facebook in order to create space so I could disappear for good. not bullshitting anyone when u live with borderline personality disorder the struggle is just sometimes too hard. It plainly sux up down round the bend and back again.im strong but christ. Not to mention not being able to control impulses sux mine has been catalogue shopping of late
Not good. Especially when u r on a benefit try telling bpd mind that...oh my.....oh well pressure too frm folks get a j o b . Easy to say not to do especially keeping the job when u hv bpd.
Anyway cant promise I will stick around bloggers.
Mike king was bak on nutters club radiolive for monthly dose. Carole was guest on maori tv nutters club. She lost her son to suicide. That was sad.
Saw family on skype tonight felt so disconnected. Werid. I feel not much for them now after was excommunicated frm church and family and friends. After yr disconnected how do u build relatnships that shattered do u even want to.? Big question marks....can u truly fix a shattered self.
is it worth it?

Tash

Frustration but just keep going

Its not easy dealing with a mind that you dont understand. One moment for something then the next running away frm it. Borderline personality disorder is so draining. No one can understand unless they live with this condition. I dont want to be negative in this blog but the truth is I dont know how long I can keep surviving when the pain of this keeps eating away at me. I try to stay positive but forever am disappointed especially since my mind cannot stick to sumthg instead it goes back and forth like a yoyo.

My sunday afternoon closure

Hi hv spent afternoon sorting out my boxes downstairs. I havent been ready up till now to face up to their contents as there are memories and glimpses of the past but I am going through my stuff now with a positive outlook and a feeling of closure. I know my past has not been ideal but im going ahead and creating the life I want for myself presently and future. I was surprised to see many items including jewellery pieces I thought were stolen. Pleasant surprise to see them again. Even such reminders of my ex husband didbt get me down ans thats good when you can look at an item and not have a feeling. Just you say thats the past. Hes my past and I wonder who will be my future. I cant believe how clear my vision is. I even picked up pamphlets on depression and umm do I keep them? A sign that I dont want to go backwards only forwards.its amazing what the right meds can do that and therapy and support. But you also need to be ready to turn a corner in yr life. I read my posts frm wks ago and wonder who that depressed creature is as life seems optimistic and full of possibilities right now. Thats good when u can laugh and joke and mean it.even with grandad being the way he is I am not allowing myself to fall into deep depression. Always try and see the light.

I hv boxes galore to go thru. Niw in my room. But its ok cos nz got talent on tonight. So will hv sumfg to watch.

I miss my laptop but been listening to good ol cds on stereo.yay. And dancing around mi room.....

All blacks playg italy just turned on tv...love watchn men in black..go abs.

Not much to say but jipper japper so will let u folk go take care.

Tash.

intense feelings

Today I am ashamed to tell you in my blog that I attempted suicide. It was something I could not help at the time. I was straight in there and wanted my life over. Luckily for my parents I stopped myself before I went unconscious. But I was serious when I started the attempt and it took all my efforts to stop myself. I dont know why I stopped myself I think I thought that my dad did not deserve to come home from a day at work to find me dead in my bed. Oh well its out there. Havent told anyone much about this but too late cos its on my blog so everyones going to read it. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog is that I was going to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, thats the only way thats why what I write on here has to be real.

Havent had terribly many thoughts about things today. Even though there is alot going on including my grandfather having luekemia. My mother is in Melbourne visiting him and my grandma. We do not know how long he has to live. I am sad cos I have lost one grandad already this year to cancer, and a close family friend and I have another grandma with suspected bowel cancer so that is just great. But I am trying to deal with my pain. Saying that though I am not dealing with it in the best way. I have been having these intense feelings and feeling as though I want to self harm or commit suicide. Its horrible when you are telling yourself you cant do something and more than anything you want to, because you know you will feel better. I am starting counselling on the 6 November though, and seeing my mental health therapist tomorrow so hopefully she can help me work out some different strategies for getting this pain out.

I feel at the moment all I want to do is sleep, everything is just too much.

child abuse and sexual predators

Hi everyone. I have a decision to make whether I am going to australia or not to see my grandfather and be with him whilst he is coping with treatments, due to having cancer. I want to go but I need to be sure that I am strong enough to handle what I may come upon. It will not be easy to watch him in a distressed state during chemo. Even still he is my grandfather so I would like to see him whilst i have the chance to still do so. My mother is over there at the moment with her siblings, and my grandma is present. Dad will likely have to stay in NZ as he needs to pay the bills etc and run a business.  Waiting to hear what my other cousins have decided to do whether they are going or not.
In the meantime getting sorted with the pasport and things so that I can go when I am ready.

Another distressing report of child abuse. Also a sexual predator being on the run, what is wrong with the world. He was on home detention, who lets a sexual predator on home detention when they are such a risk to the public. These cops and officers, judges really need their heads examined to even put such a dangerous person in a place where they can escape. Why wasnt he kept behind bars.

 What is wrong with people. I heard of a case of a baby being run over on a driveway. Why are children aloud to play on the driveway in the begining its a dangerous place, and should be treated like the road. How can parents ever get over running over their child. Its so awful.

What can we do to stop child abuse in this country? We need to look out for our neighbours and look for ones who need help and help them. Children become parents too easily these days and then lose it because they do not know how to cope with a little one. Why arent there more parenting classes? education for these ones.

I dont know I just know something needs to be done.


Any ideas.???????


Seeya Tash

Hi guys, today didnt have alot of strength to get up, but I did all the same so that was an achievement considering I have just been getting over a virus, etc. I went out got petrol and went to supporting families had a cuppa there with the lovely friendly staff and volunteers. I have joined the ranks by being a volunteer on a Wednesday afternoon its a way forward for me some stability in life a life that I seem to have lost control over.

I went and saw my mental health worker today she mentioned to me that I need to view myself as powerful and need to take charge of the situation when go into and officially started counselling with a grief counsellor in the hopes of dealing with my issues and moving on. Everyone knows I have potential I just dont realise it myself, and its rough having to go through my past but it needs to disappear and let me move on with the present and future.  She said I need to take the tape out that keeps playing in my head and get rid of the stinky thoughts replacing them with a positive tape of reinforcement of all the positive things I do and do, instead. I see her again next wednesday, but in the process need to do some work on myself, like she said counselling can only work if there is committment from the individual involved.

seeya

Tash

Strategies for wellness

Today I was able to attend church, like i said I would. I went with an open mind and a determination to put the past behind me and see the present and the future for what it brings my way. So I did that and felt quite happy with myself with my achievement as it took alot of guts just to walk into the hall. But I was rewarded cos what I heard encouraged me further and gave me some support during this hard time of crisis with having a sick grandfather etc.

The weather today is absolute rubbish, raining. So will use the time wisely to do something practical in the way of cleaning up the house. I have chosen to sort out my footwear. Finally put them away in my room and not just have them in a box downstairs from my last move.

I have been using strategies lately to keep myself well. Such as getting more involved in the cleaning of the house, and cooking meals, experimenting with recipes and ingredients. Doing this makes me realise how much I miss not being a housewife. A little wife, having my own kitchen, to myself. Aww how i long for the day when I am in charge of a household. At the moment I will just have to make do with the make shift kitchen I have at present at my parents.

I went for a long walk with my dog and realised when my feet hit the pavement that it was grounding me in a positive way, and improving my mood, as I had a purpose. My dog needed a walk, and so did I personally. As I walked through the town I saw families and couples in the many restaurants and cafes and realised how important it is to remember to embrace moments in life because you never know when its going to be your last. Once a moment is gone you cannot get it back all you have is a memory, thats why photos are so important so you can look back on precious times.

I guess i have really started to examine life and its purpose since finding out about my sick grandfather. He is at a ripe old age of 76 and I am only 29 there is so much life left to live. I guess I dont want to take it for granted. At least my grandfather is sitting around at 76 saying to himself I have no regrets, Ive had a lovely life with my wife, and I have had some wonderful kids, and I have some grandchildren and even one great grandchild. He feels fullfilled. He knew one day he was going to leave this earth so hes made the most of the time he had here to do good. He also has a faith that has kept him strong, given him something to be sure of.  Likewise I need to do the same reach out for what I can achieve now that my medication is working properly. I need to reach out for a career that is in my grasp, and start to let people back in my life so that I have friends. That means opening myself up which is a scary prospect but if you dont open yourself up to people you dont meet individuals who can make life enjoyable, yes there may be heartbreak, but I have survived more than that. Its time to open up to possiblities of life. Find a life that I to can be proud of living just like my grandfather is proud of the life he has lived. Well spent and purposeful...

Just some ideas that have been rolling around in my mind.

I want to make a difference, I hope I can do that. Tell people there is more than mental illness out there and if you can get to the other side then dont allow yourself to go backwards. As long as you are taking one step forward every day and not giving up on yourself. Then its okay to fall. Just get back up and try again. That its okay to ask for help if you cant handle your life. That counselling is a must to get you on the right track especially if you have gone through some heavy heavy stuff, trauma that you just cant let go.

I would tell people put your mind on positive thinking, read positive books that have affirmations and ways through inner hurt. I would tell people find a group of people that accept you for you, and who you can be yourself with no matter what insecurities or baggage you are carrying. People who can just steer you in the right direction when you are lacking a compass. For myself that has been the nutters club nz on facebook and other such organisations on facebook. Real life savers. Hearing others experiences with mental illness and knowing where they are now you can pick up skills that help you fight through. Believe me its a fight. But sooner or later your either going to give up the fight altogether or you are going to struggle and push and prodd until you get what you are after someone to listen, therapy that helps you get out of being stuck. When you do that when you see clarity you see that life can get better. Its already better, you are seeing when you were in the fog before. I was blind but now I see! when you see you know you still have a purpose you still have a life thats worth fighting for. Theres things that you havent done, that you want to do before you leave this earth. When you hit that moment of clarity theres nothing better!

On that positive note I am going to go off and carry on with my mental wellness plan including tidying up my surroundings, and making my life more pleasant.

Take care Bloggers I wanna hear what you think
write feedback if you like let me know what you think about my blogs

Cheers Tash

an unattentive hairdresser hmmm

Hello thort I better keep the stroke of good luck alive and whilst using the computer post another entry incase I dont get round to it later.

Well its been a miserable overcast day with a bit of rain. Quite like my mood, started ok but turned dreary. Just had my hair cut which was nice but found the hairdresser too fast, she was late for other clients so rushed through the job. I expected a nice easy visit, where she would take her time, instead she didnt want a coffee just to get straight into the haircut and leave afterwards. So I was a bit taken back. On one hand she did a nice job of the haircut, but I didnt like the way she rushed her service. So I dont really know what to think. Probably shouldnt take it personally but its a little hard, only person I had seen all day and I didnt feel that I was important enough for her to take her time and spend time to enjoy the service provided by a home visit by a hairdresser. So I dont know if I will have her do my hair again. Still thinking that through.

Anyway going for the good old Jennifer Anniston long ish cut, so growing it out, so only an inch was taken off the bottom and some layering nothing major but it was way overdue for a trim.

Thought I must get into shape for summer, now that its almost here, so I am back on my exercise machine and trying to trim down. Which proves to be rather difficult when dad buys chocolate and chippies, and other naughty treats, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I do tell myself though do not deprive yourself make sure you do enjoy the finer things in life. Which last night happened to be Rum Chocolate. Yum. I did not know that dairy milk made that flavour, and it was surprisingly strong and pungent. But delicious. Topped off with one of my favourite movies Notting Hill. Ohhh so sweet.  The good old englishman meeting the actress. But I have to say Spike his lodger flatmate is my favourite, he is hillirious. If you have not seen this movie you are missing out cos it is a good one!

Everything in moderation. I'm not saying I am fat by any means just like some others could lose a bit. trim the tummy u know what I mean. Thats realistic, not like these stick figures that you see in magazines. I can still get into a sexy party frock, with heels, just have curves.

Greys anatomy is on tonight yay. Looked interesting on the preview.



anyway have to go dinners arrived

seeya Tash

discussing suicide, and media content

I am back after a week of not attending this blog sorry if you have been holding out for the next entry in a series and I have not delivered. Shame on me. Anyway the usual laptop is in the shop right now having repairs done to it, so I am writing this on dads rather slow old laptop, so sorry if it takes a bit longer or I lose you half way through, doing my best on this machine.

It feels good to write again, I have just been in the space where I could not write anything positive so thort best to give this blog a break, as you dont want to hear the rants and raves of someone who just cant get her .... together.

An update mum is still in Melbourne, grandad seems to be putting on weight which is good, and he is on natural remedies, including a protein shake everyday made up of a heap of vegetables,anyway his mind has become sharper and hes more with it. So thats an improvement. Still talking to him on skype and granny for that matter. Havent gone to Melbourne yet though, holding off at present incase need to go later urgently.

Dad and I are having some precious father daughter time, which is nice. Had a movie night, with junk food, and our relationship seems to be improving so thats good. I am enjoying having him to myself. I know that sounds funny its just dad and I have never been close. He has always been too busy running a business etc and he has been the provider but not really someone I can talk to much, about stuff and spend time with.

Getting my hair cut today Yay, so that'll be nice. I am making dinner tonight in the slow cooker, Lamb chops, with potatos, and vegies so it will be nice and hot when dad returns after work.

Was thinking last night really need to get my ................together and decide what I plan to do career wise whether early childhood is still a go, or whether I should look at peer support work and helping others eg getting their lives on track support work, mental health field, I say this because I have an interest in this field now as I have been through the system so have first hand experience and also know now how crappy the system and the DHB can be and want to rectify alot of wrongs that do happen and people fall through the cracks. I think I have mentioned before things that have happened through no fault of my own but stupidity of the DHB and not seeing the signs before interfening. Its only because of my own self resillence and friends that I am actually existing and its sad because the DHB and other mental health departments have let down certain ones when they needed them the most and these ones were vunerable members of society.
So whens it going to end.
When are people like the PM John Key gonna see just how much damage these departments do.
I dont know, all I know is that there are going to be stories of those who are let down by the system, lives that could of been saved but people didnt see the signs.

In effect it baffles me like this lawyer Greg King. If it was ineffect suicide, that he took his own life why did he do it? he had a brilliant mind, brilliant job, money to burn, a loving wife, and family 2 kids. That wasnt enough????????
The actress. She was successful? or was she? what is in the minds of these ones who give up. Its suddenly not just the poor, weak vunerable, mentally ill that take their lives or the unemployed. Its a much greater amount of individuals now. Why?
I wonder with Greg King whether he felt some he represented in court were guilty, and even though he got them scott free from conviction, whether this played on his conscience. Taunting him cos he knew the truth and what in fact did happen in the Scott Guy case. Etc/.
This is just speculation but even still its interesting to consider.

I was watching the story of Marilyn Monroe the other day and her case is still unanswered, was it suicide at the end of the day, or was someone covering up? We will never know as these answers to these questions have been taken to the grave alongside these ones. But it doesnt stop the majority of the public from looking at the case and examining what evidence is left to consider.

Then theres the faithful story of why are those who are so talented and so likeable succesful in their attempts to commit suicide. When others arent.  Everytime I watch the Batman movie, the Joker haunts me - as he was played by Heath Ledger. An up and coming young actor the role of his life. Yet it was such a dark role. What was going through his mind in order to prepare to play such a dark charactor - villian. Well everytime I see the Joker on screen it gives me the creeps. To think back then when I watched the movie for the first time I thought someone is going to copy him. Like I could see it someone would try to be the Joker in real life. I wish I had said something maybe it wouldnt of made a difference being one persons thort out of many but soon enough there was a man who dressed like the joker and he went into a movie theatre and he shot many people! is that just coincidence? You decide.

Maybe theres a reason that we are meant to see. Maybe violence has just got to such a disturbing stage on tv, videos, video games, dvds theatre. That people become what they see they dream of it and some are so disturbed that it becomes them. I dont know the reason. This is just a theory but I wonder to have a safer and peaceful society whether we can do so with such content on the box. Whether we need to take a look at what we feed our minds and our hearts and our souls. Because whether or not we are that sort of person who can fathom hurting others. They are out there, and we are just feeding an obsession, a dangerous obsession and the wrong person, with the wrong information can use it against us.

Just the theory bloggers let me know what u think of it.


Take care till next time Tash

Live for the Present!

Hi bloggers.
Well positive me back I think!
Woke up today feeling a bit clearer. So that was a good start, have spent time organising wardrobe for summer and packing up the heavy winter jerseys as I dont think they are really needed now cos the weather seems to be getting warmer. I have also done some washing, and some ironing.

I have been in a big muddle recently, as you probably dont know I have been down a big hole of depression and bpd, and bipolar mixed together, believe me has not been pleasant everything has been dark and depressing, I have tried to take my life several times. But I am still here so someone up in the sky is smiling down on me and saying hey your not ready to go yet Miss. So maybe its time to listen to that someone!

I havent been able to think of anything but death, and ending it. Recently too I recieved bad news about my grandad in Aussie having leukemia which brought my world crashing down! as had found out that another granny had suspected bowel cancer, and lost a grandad this year already to cancer and a close friend. So I thought woefully poor me Im gonna lose another one. Also mum has gone over to Australia to see my grandad cos of the cancer and I miss her terribly abandonment issues caused by BPD. I felt blow I wanted to go to, and my world seemed dark, I also looked at my past and thought nothings gonna get better so go top yourself girl!

Thankfully my new medication has started to work, and we have had 2 days of complete sunshine. I also did some volunteering at Supporting families here in the wairarapa. It was lovely to think of people other than myself for once. When you have depression or a mental illness or both you can become very self centred and selfish. You dont mean to be this way. I had another friend help me through and I owe him so much, calling me day and night just making sure I was ok. That is a true friend. Kindness like that is not forgotton.

Believe it or not Mike King has also been a strong deterant not to end my life by suicide. He has been going throughout the north island talking on the issue of suicide and how we are losing too many youngsters and others to suicide. Trying to get communities to rally together to stop it from happening! Well he told me privately if I was to give up and kill myself then I would be undoing all the good he had accomplished talking to the wairarapa people at the Town Hall. What example would I be setting for all the youngsters and teens, none at all and then they may copy me and we end up with a bigger problem. Thanks Mike King big shout out to You.. You got me through a tough time just by saying that comment  to me when I said what I was planning, I was able to think twice about what I was planning to do!

Anyway as I said woke up bit clearer today, but the last few days too I have come to a solution to one of my problems I thought the best thing was to stay away from church and grieve, and get over my grudge etc for what happened. But I have found that I have been lonely and more miserable than I could ever imagine and I have missed it, the teachings, the people. So tomorrow I am going back to church tomorrow with new eyes, and a new perspective and attitude.This will not be easy because I have been hurt greatly but I am looking at putting this hurt aside and going in with a fresh perspective and seeing what others see not through my eyes, but through eyes that hvnt cried the pain. But I know it is time to stop crying. I know if I dont put myself out there I will not make friends, etc and opportunities will pass me by. I would like my grandfather to see me happy before he dies, and at the moment I am not there, but it is achieveable and hopefully now I am on the right medication I can become well mentally and emotionally and move forward in life instead of staying still in a place that is not productive for myself or for those around me. I used to be very sociable and a good friend and for years now I have been isolating myself well its time to get out of the box of safety and just put myself out there, for better or worse, I may get my heart broken but better is it to love than to stay hiden away from the world. I will keep up with the blog and let you know how this journey pans out.

I am ready, and I choose to live in the present and forget the past.

 I no longer want to reject others, and isolate myself, I want to come out of myself and forget the past. I used to be so social well I can be again, and if I dont put myself out there, opportunities cannot come my way, eg partner, friendships, and LIFE. so if you dont want to sit on the shelf and hv a bore of a life and feel down all the time, then get out there and start living that starts with talking to ppl and opening yourself up to heartbreak but also the possiblities of developing great friendships. im going back to my church tomorrow with different eyes, and a different attitude. so I will let u know how that goes. I am ready to be involved again.

forget the past I am living for the present!I know that I feel lost without my church especially when I believe in everything they say, I just need to get over myself. live in the present

For a long time I have not been living. Well I have been living in the past, in the dark lands. not the present.

 A documentary was on the other night on channel 2 20/20 programme of a doctor up in Auckland who has cancer but despite that he doesnt allow it to get the best of him. He still lives his life to the fullest, including working in the emergency department of a busy hospital, even whilst completing chemo treatments every week. He takes every opportunity and runs with it,  and something clicked for me. Why am I trying to end my life when this man is trying so hard to keep his?, and yet I have the opportunity to maybe live a long life. It doesnt make sense and it shows such disrespect for the sanctity of life and the fact that life can be here today and gone tomorrow. He didnt take for granted one moment of his life. Even taking pictures of a flower with raindrops on it, things of beauty but we walk past everyday thinking oh well that'll be there tomorrow. We are rushing, instead of enjoying the little things. Maybe John Kirwins right when he says enjoy the little things Tasha.



I am ready, and I choose to live in the present and forget the past.

I say to u try and see the church with fresh eyes, go in there and talk to people and come out of yrself. I am going to try and do the same I no longer want to reject others, and isolate myself, I want to come out of myself and forget the past. I used to be so social well I can be again, and if I dont put myself out there, opportunities cannot come my way, eg partner, friendships, and LIFE. so if you dont want to sit on the shelf and hv a bore of a life and feel down all the time, then get out there and start living that starts with talking to ppl and opening yourself up to heartbreak but also the possiblities of developing great friendships. im going back to my church tomorrow with different eyes, and a different attitude. so I will let u know how that goes. I am ready to be involved again.

forget the past I am living for the present!I know that I feel lost without my church especially when I believe in everything they say, I just need to get over myself. live in the present

Im Dreaming.....please dont wake me up!

Dream as of late

Ok this was my dream last night I was at one of the AB's games. I remember seeing the all blacks vividly, my mum points over to them and asks them whos single. Dan and Richie both said we're not otherwise we would so take yr daughter out and so they were out of the game, but there were two of the players that said hey I'll take you out yr hot. I smile sheepishly, and embarressed by my mums actions. But hey two of the ABs wanna take me out on a date. So they get my number and give me theres. and somehow in that I get to hang out with the All blacks, and somehow I am pashing Richie, giving him a french kiss, that literally didnt stop. and then another, and hes like where did that come from! Somehow I end off going off with some of the players, back to the hotel room. and Somehow it gets out into the public through the media. Hmmm. Their boss is pissed off that he was the last to know about the new member of the All Blacks Team. I just wake up and think Damm it I wanna dream that again! Wonder if Richie knows I was kissing him............................dreams can be GREAT!

thought would share with u all.

Just watched the nutters club on Maori Televison every time get so much from that programme it is such a shame it is only on once a month and once a week on maori television.

Today was a very productive day even though been suffering with depression and have hardly been able to make it out of bed the last few days. Today spoke to a friend and ended up with a bit of encouragement walking my lovely little dog round the block, then coming home and doing 3 loads of washing, the dishes, cleaning up, sorting out my cotton sheets, and putting away my flannelettes as it is getting warmer now. I also spent time working on my summer wardrobe and deciding what I had in the way of cooler clothes as the weather is heating up now. I found that clothes that didnt fit me fit me now so that is a bonus.

Watched x factor tonight thats a good programme. lots of talented performers. dont have much to say bloggers but wanted to make an entry. Still in a bad place.  But I did order my marriage certificate today and that was an achievement as I have been procrastinating doing that for several months. Time to get it done and dusted so thats what I have done will arrive in 4 days. I am also getting my passport sorted for journey overseas to see sick grandad with leukemia. Mums over there at the moment I have been talking to her on skype.

anyway off for the night


take care

tash

my sunday nights have changed BRING NUTTERS CLUB BACK RADIO LIVE

Watched The Hangover yesterday on channel 2. I love that movie its so funny! I thoroughly recommend it!!!!!! Would of preferred though to be listening to my favourite show on radio live - The Nutters Club, but unfortunely someone at radiolive thought that the nutters club show was not worth keeping on air once a week! I say to that person obviously you have not had mental health issues you have not been in the position where I and some others find ourselves in where we need to vent things, we need to talk to professionals and get sound advice to our medical questions without judgement. Sometimes we just need to hear from those who are brave enough to reach out and pick up the phone and share their stories, because we can completely relate to their stories of struggles, and how they got through or how they are just holding on for dear life hoping not to lose their grip.

I have no idea why this show has been removed. All I know is that this show has helped many a person, saved many lives, and given hope and advice to many a listener. Not to mention the host Mike King is inspirational in himself. He is reaching out to the country now trying to get people to hear that suicides are happening and we need to do something about it before we lose too many individuals to this silent killer. I completely agree with everything this man is doing, and think good on him for speaking up. Using humour and his own story to get through to the many kids at high school and us oldies. His co-host Dr David Codyre well he is a professional that doesnt need too much of an entrance because we know already that sound advice is provided to help each individual in their situation or problem. Then there are the many guests that come on this show and share their stories of tribulation and also incredible strength through their struggles and the way they have come to be at the stage of wellness.

I say to whomever at Radio Live. Bring this show back to once a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! much more valuable than all of your talkback shows put together. Who wants to hear general talkback constantly when The Nutters Club is advice for the time we live in, to get through daily struggles and tribulations. Even if you have no mental health issues I swear blind that you can gain something from this miracle of a radio programme.


Anyway I am not the only one who feels this way.


Come on Radio Live play ball.....give your listeners what they want!


Tash

tonights entry

Theres alot happening in my world right now, and I dont seem to be coping too great. My grandfather has lukemia, and I watch him on skype and he has lost weight and does not look well. I have also been told by mum and my grandma that he is a bit slower in understanding things. Its just not pleasant when you see your grandparents who were healthy as looking really not like they should.

I dont have terribly much to say about this because it is such a hard topic for me to even explain the emotional pain I am feeling is deep as. I so want to give up on life and commit suicide. But I would be undoing all the good that Mike King did in the wairarapa yesterday by visiting the 3 schools in the wairarapa and talking at the town hall about the issue of suicide, due to the fact that many of the youths have been taking their lives. If I took my life then there could be more copycat suicides so that would ruin the whole point of stopping suicide. So instead I am unhappy living. Existing for everyone around me again. Nah thats not going to do.

On a lighter side Mike King was hillirous on the stage for the first part of the event at the town hall. Could not stop laughing. It was interesting to hear his personal story. My pictures were a hit, one dealing on how the suicidal individual feels, and the other on we can make it through the tough times. Lots of interest, and I was able to speak to a few of the teenagers about what my story was about, even though I didnt get the chance to share story with everyone as planned which was disappointing. At the town hall there was the chance to let the community talk and have their say about the issues, and it was emphasised that parents need to listen to their children and be approachable as bullying is a major problem in the wairarapa.

Mum went off to Melbourne today for 5 wks or so, so just dad and I here shes gone to spend time with her dad my grandad who is sick with Leukemia. I know I missed out on sleep last night so maybe that accounts for some of my mood I dont know. Went for a drive today dropped off the easels I borrowed, and visited the police station, Dhb and medical centre to show pictures, I have had two offers to put my 2 large pics on suicide at either the doctors surgery or Supporting families, on lend. So I have decisions to make. Where would the pics have more impact etc. I decided to visit the police station so they could see some of the things that are going through the minds of those in that space. Went to my local doctors surgery and left a canvas painting there on loan so will see if theres interest from that. I am just trying to spread my name around adn I have so many pics now it is hard to know what to do with them all. After a while gets too much, unless having an exhibition. There was alot of interest from patients at the medical centre, but no offers as of yet. I have left my details though, so will see.


Watched the nutters club tonight on maori television that was good.

Something I dont understand is that I am really concerned about youth and young people committing suicide and dont want them to do so, but I dont give a stuff about myself doing so, and completing it and dying. Its so much of a double standard, like its ok for me but not ok for them. I dont understand it but suicide has always been my exit point, and still is my exit point if life gets too difficult or too painful to handle. Maybe people say that is looking backwards and not forwards I dont know. I never planned to make suicide a focal part of my life but it has become it and I cant help but think of it and it makes me angry if I attempt and dont succeed.. I dont commit suicide for attention I do it cos I am in incredibly awful pain that I cannot rid myself of. drove today without my seatbelt on, no fear of death, dont care taking chances. I dont know how to stop this. I dont know if I want to enough to stop this ive given up in my head but everyone tells you you can push a little further. That is frustrating.
and I am frustrating them in the process, I really personally feel everyone would be better off without me., I am trouble, and I dont want to be that for anyone. The only way I can stop this is by taking myself out.


Tash

Its a learning process.

Hi people. Ive been absent minded for the past few weeks. But saying that I think I am returning slowly. I really feel that my new medication may be kicking in finally. I will say this cos for the time things looked up a fraction.

I woke up this morning and was determined to be out of bed as I have been home in bed for the last 3 days with a bad foot. As I hurt my ankle falling down the stairs. I am still on crutches but mum and I went to the market day opposite and bought some lemon curd and then we went out for morning tea at a cafe. I bought a donut and a custard slice and split them so we both had half of both and I bought 2 mochas, they were delivered to the table and were scrummy.

Then we went to the supermarket to get a few things. Lucky for me the ladies at the cashier counters could see that I was struggling on my crutches and let me cut through so I didnt have to walk round the whole store. Have you ever tried walking on crutches, man its hard work, takes alot out of you especially when you havent used your feet for the last few days. I bought a few items and then returned to the car went home. Mum then showed me kindly how to fillet a fish salmon as I had not done this process before. I sat downstairs in the armchair and watched her taking each part off and setting it aside for meals. So we got good value from our salmon which was only $20 in the first place. It should do us 3 meals and thats between 3 individuals.

I spent some time today reading a book on forgiveness and getting rid of pain and healing the soul. I couldnt really do much else as I am no good on my feet, and cannot drive due to my foot being no good on the pedals for the time being, I cannot walk anywhere as my foot is not strong enough, so all I could do was put my feet up and read, or watch tv or sleep.

This book talks about feeling your grief and letting those feelings of pain to well inside you feeling without trying to find the answers or blaming others just letting the feeling be, feeling it and letting it go when you are ready. The book does say though that forgiveness is not a light process and it can take longer for others then some. That you forgive when the time is right and you feel that it is vital you move on.

I also watched the nutters show that was presented on maori television last night at 10.30pm. I have a laptop so watched it on there. I took time and listened to what the women were saying and applied what she was saying to my personal situation. I felt like she was telling me, she knew the time was right for her and she didnt want to be stuck, I am stuck and I dont wanna be so I need to make a move. That is difficult for me as the level of pain I am feeling inside is extremely high but at the same time it is a necessary process in order to go forward and not stay stuck in this place.  Because at the end of the day you either accept help and get out of the rut, or you stay in it stubbornly or you die by taking your own life. I do not want to stay stubbornly in a mess where I am not happy and not achieving anything. I am trying not to end my life for the sake of those around me. so that means I need to accept help and move forward no matter how hard or long that journey may be.

youngsters giving up before they hit 20

Read some stuff tonight on facebook, and particularly the wairarapa suicide prevention site. I listened to some songs. A really sad song by Ben Harper. Which made me cry because it talked about how alone the person felt in the words of the song. Thats the reality of many who do take their lives ultimately. I wonder though if the music they listen to leads them to do so though because the words can be full of violent undertones, and suicidal thoughts. One song I used to listen to on a hit combination album the words said go kill yourself go kill yourself. Now what message is that driving into the teens mind. Well you know the answer. I skipped that song. But songs provided by groups such as limp biskit, linken Park, can be quite violent in overtones and their meanings. They can stirr something within the individual where they need to let out their frustrations.  I know songs such as going under by Evenscence, the words of that are very subtle but deep in meaning. I know personally that alot of rap music and hip hop have violent themes throughout the songs, creating messages that are left in the youths head leading them to certain actions and activities. This is just a theory but songs such as Eminem- stan, yes its catchy too catchy because the song ultimately is about a fan committing suicide and taking his family down with him. Not good for a teenager who is down and out or even a young person or anyone to be listening to as it creates ideas, and a plan can emerge just on the subconscious thinking of the individual.

But im not here to judge. I just know at their age the thought did not even enter my mind, I was too busy being a youngster. Shows how times have changed. What a society we live in now. Its just getting worse. John Key really frustrates me because the governments most pressing issue in their world is Dot Com. Well what about the many people taking their own lives in our country I would of thought that was more of an issue that needed to be dealt with. Things are only getting worse with unemployment and other reasons, youth are finding it difficult to find work, they are losing self esteem and self worth and giving up before their lives have even begun.

I wonder if anyone is out there actually listening to these teenagers and working out what is going on in their minds? they need to talk to someone who has been there, who suffers with thoughts of death continually and know that its ok to be honest about what is going on for them. And for goodness sakes facebook pages glorifying people who have taken their lives need to be gone! its not helping the situation.

Im with Mike King that we need to help this situation on our own cos the governments are not listening and neither are the DHB. But communities can get involved and make a difference to the youth and those who are vunerable. More about this later!


anyway going to sleep now



Tash.

confusion

Hi been on bed rest today, have a sprained ankle due to falling down the stairs. I am very impressed with the ed department locally as I was seen within an hour sent to xrays and then discharged, seen at 8 15pm and gone home by 9.30 pm Well done ED.

Have been rallying around trying to save the favourite show the nutters club on radio live on a sunday night every wk. Radio live wants to make it monthly and sorry that is just not an option for us nutters who need the show and what it contains. So have set up a facebook page keep the nutters club show on radio live every week. If you can please get on and support this page it would mean a lot.

Just heard from Mike King. He says doing all can to keep show going, including looking at other radio stations, but wants to keep good relationship with radiolive so have to be careful how we approach tis. Fair enough really, he know I am stubborn as. Probably too stubborn for my own good. Anyway we were talking about the events of the 25 October when I am joining him on stage at the town hall to tackle the issue of suicide in the wairarapa. He wants me to share my personal experiences and the thorts that penetrate my mind every waking moment. There are plans in the pipeline but too early to share, so will be quiet for now.

Well today is Wednesday. The middle of the week. I am on bed rest again cos of this stupid foot. Anytime I walk on it it is so flippin sore that it is better to stay off it. so yes being waited on hand and foot literally and watching tv, movies, reading and sleeping, fun aye - NOT. Getting tired of it.

Not much to say as my brain aint working too well today. I dont know why I cant get my own death off my mind, it puzzles me, even whilst talking to Mike I liked the sound of what he was saying but there was a voice saying you wont be around girl to help others cos you will be in the ground. I thought seriously about attempting suicide again last night, didnt do it, but the means was there and the will was there. One of my friends thinks it may be habit and I have taught myself that the best way to get out of my problems is to leave this world. I dont know. I know I dont glamarise suicide like other youths seem to do. I simply see it as the end of everything and peace. Thats why its so attractive to me I think, cos my life has been so messed up, like my friend said you dont know happiness girl so you think the rest of your life is going to be what its been like up till now. My friend tried to make me appreciate that, this was not the case, still didnt sink in. I dont know what to do with myself to be honest, I am fed up of this way of thinking. My friend said you have emotions but its up to you how you feel those emotions. Whatever that tends to mean. It would be sad though if Mike set up this project and I could make a difference to other teens lives but I wasnt around to do so. I keep telling myself i am no good in a box! At the moment too I have a grandad with lukemia and I could not justify leaving this world before he does! not like I would be around to see the consequences but you know what I mean. My grandfather is 84 I am 29. What if life can get better and I am just not giving myself a chance to feel it, to let it get better. What if I have condemmed myself in my mind to be unhappy for all days that I really cant feel joy or happiness. I dont know but it is food for thought. You are what you tell yourself. I know I never have truly been happy. I have felt rejection and pain, and maybe that rejection and pain is making me act out and hurt myself through self harm and suicide. I know its not an attention seeking thing, it is out of pure desperation and hurt that I take that course. Everytime willing it to succeed.

My friend told me about his friend a 33 year old mother and wife who had 2 children in kindy, that took her life a few weeks back. He still does not understand what happened to make her do so, she seemed happy on the outside but inside obviously there was alot of self hatred, etc. she could not make peace with herself. I was thinking over this story and wondering why a beautiful woman who had travelled had settled down with a hubby and 2 kids could do such a thing. I thought I was empty this woman seemed to have it all yet it was not enough. Something was missing. She didnt love herslf. They say you have to love and accept yourself before you can let another in. Maybe she missed this cruicial step. What has she achieved by her actions, ok well my mind tells me she has succeeded cos she committed suicide and it worked! but underneath that part who has she left 2 children that cant understand where and why their mom has gone and a husband who is grieving. I dont believe that suicide is selfish because it is a last resort option for many, but in this case I do believe it is selfish because those children are going to bear the scars of what their mum has done for their whole lives, and they will probably have a mental illness because of it. Some even use it as an excuse to copy actions later in life. Well mum did it so I can too. I can be with her!

I wonder if this person has finally found the peace that she had been searching for so hard. My friend tells me she doesnt find peace she is just dead. But this does not make any difference to the way my mind percieves the situation. To want to be where she is more than words and not being able to get there now that is painful. Still I wonder why, why do I want to give up?. Why do I want to give up this gift of life at any price?.What price is too high? how far will you go to finally be at peace within your soul?

My friend wants me to listen to motivational cds such as Tony Robbins so he is giving me a copy. He is hoping some postive inforcement will weed out the negative thoughts. I forgot to tell him already been there tried that. I read affirmations I read positive self help books, but constantly my thoughts stay pressed on this subject.

Oh well back to bed

Tash.

idiot health system

I am living in an old rundown hotel that my parents and I are converting into a residence upstairs. Unfortunely though during this there are some disadvantages one of these is that we hv not alot of lighting, so tend to use torches at night to head down the stairs to the loo. Well last night I forgot to take my torch with me, I had done this before without any hiccups, and the dog went ahead of me down the stairs, I was more concerned about where he was and what he was doing that I forgot to count how many stairs, and hold onto the railing, the consequence of this is that I missed the last 4 steps of the stairs, and did a 45 degree turn and landed on my back, with my right leg hitting the ground with a thump, I was in agony. I called out to my family and they came to my aid, and put me in the recovery position and provided a cushion. I tried to sit up but was nausious as, and in absolutely awful pain. my parents put a cold pack on my right foot, and left me there for a bit and then tried to get me up the stairs. When I finally got into bed, at least I had Mike to listen to for comfort on the nutters club show on radio live.

Woke up this morning, my foot had swollen up dramatically so been off it all day resting. Will see what it is like tomorrow and whether I need to go to the hospital or doctors surgery. Has been a rather boring day and add to that my mood wasnt great in the first place. Add to that I have had to pee in a bucket cos I cant go down the stairs, I know how humiliating, only on this blog will you hear that.

The health system are still not getting the fact that I need to have help eg be in respite, but I have had enough of them all I say if I disappear it is on them and they can be sorry. I dont want to keep fighting them all. They are all idiots!  They pass the buck from one department and one individual to the next, like you are somebody else's problem. Makes you feel good as the consumer doesnt it. Really brings up your self esteem and mood. People dont ask for respite, or their families dont for that matter unless it is actually needed!
I am fed up with the lot of them. I believe this is one of the reasons why there are so many suicides because departments cant get their act together and send vunerable individuals home instead of getting them the help that they need. They just send them home to kill themselves. So many more opportunities to do so in your own home.
Oh well if you have an opinion on this I would be interested to hear it!

You do not want to hear what is on my mind bloggers, so I am not going to tell you, all I will say as I have friends who are trying to stop me from following through on what I would love to do. I had a dream last night that I was in a coffin, I was in there, and I felt peaceful and free. Who dreams of being in a coffin,. who sees something on tv an overdose or some sort of suicide attempt and thinks now thats a good way to do it, I tell you who thinks this crap. Me. I am fed up of wanting to die and NOT, and it pisses me off.

Let me just say when I go if I go it will be without warning. I will not tell anyone of my plans and my intentions. It will just happen. BOOM shes gone!

and please do not blame yourselves k, cos I have fought as long as I could. Suicide is a complicated process and if you do not know all the reasons behind it then do not judge. You do not know what hell that individual has been carrying with them or living. Suicide is the end of the road. But it is also peace forever.

and yes thats all I have to say


Tash

trying to hold onto hope.

Ok this is my first post for October. You have probably wondered where I have been. Well I have not been at all well enough to post on this blog and have been just been trying to stay alive on this planet, once again for the ones in my life, family, friends, fellow bloggers, who would notice if I went away for good.
I really wish that I was dead now, as it seems alot harder to suffer through the aches and the hurt that I feel deep inside, theres this pain that does not seem to be shifting. I have slept and spent time resting etc. Its only been due to friends keeping an eye on me and keeping tabs throughout the day that I happen to still be breathing.

Do I wish they would go away and let me complete the action Hell Yes. I would love to be at peace finally and not suffering with the crap that goes round and round in my brain. Everyone tells me its going to get better, dont give up, but do they really know how difficult life can be for you, every single day. I suffer a mental illness that does not give me a break. Unless I take a break myself.

My medication is not working to the extent it should be. If it was working I would not be thinking of suicide and continually coming up with ways to leave. I have been told I will probably have another few weeks before the medication does start to work. In the meantime I want to visit the cemetry and the funeral home more times a day than I can count. But as I was told by a fellow Nutter what good does that do? So I am trying to avoid those places which is difficult.

A friend of mine went to the seminar in Auckland that John Kirwin was giving on depression and he managed to get john kirwin to write something on some paper and sign it for me. I feel privellged that John Kirwin took time out to do that, and have found a nice frame to put the autograph in. It says wellness in every day, enjoy the simple things, john kirwin.

Mental health services are not helping to the extent they should be I have not heard from pathways regarding respite care, that they were meant to be looking into for me for the weekend. So not impressed at all. Dont feel like they really give a damn. I could be wrong and they are just busy but they need to realise that when people need those support services they should be available. I should be in hospital right now the way I feel. But instead i am home, being a burden on my parents who are tired by the way. If my parents are concerned about anything the police get called and that is a tragedy in itself as they do not know how to handle cases such as myself with borderline personality disorder. Suicidal attempts etc. are just selfish to particular cops,.thats where I feel they would benefit from learning more about mental illness. Went to see my doctor yesterday and he completely rebuffed a comment I made about Mike Kings visit to the wairarapa to talk about suicide at the town hall,. He said he wasnt going to go. I said to him it would be good to go and get educated about what goes on in the heads of those who commit suicide or even attempt to do so.  In my view how can you treat these ones if you dont give a sh.. t about their health conditions in the first place. I think these ones need to have more of an understanding and to do that they need to learn about mental health and illnesses and how they affect certain ones. I wonder why there are not courses provided for these ones to learn about this and other conditions.

anyway gonna go now, slept all day and hoping to sleep tonight as well. No energy what so ever.

Tasha

This is my Challenge, Tasha writing in my blog when she is down and depressed and not at all in the mood. That is me at the moment thats why I have skipped the writing process for the last few days. Suddenly it is upon me that I can no longer skip this, and let all my readers down.

I am going through a horrible time. Everything around me looks doom and gloom. My world is dark and horrible through my eyes. Everybody else can see blue skies and the sun, I went out the other day with my dad reluctantly to keep him company. We ended up near the botanical gardens, I couldnt even smile and wondered why everyone around me was so happy and I felt so miserable. All I could see were families and parents and children walking around smiling and enjoying nature at its best, new flowers out in bloom. All I saw when I looked at myself was I was alive another day, and not happy about it. What made all of them so happy, so interested in life? what clues have they found that I havent? these were questions I asked myself.

The day before I had to go and buy myself a soft kiwi toy to cuddle, to carrase to strangle and treat roughly. I needed a comforter as I am just feeling so low. I have been put on suicide watch the last few days due to circumstances out of my control now, and I dont want to go through the details on my blog.

My brain is foggy, I cant concentrate on anything, I pick up a book and none of the info sinks in I can read words over and over again but cant make sense of them. I watch tv and forget what I am watching,  My mind is just wandering all the time and thinking of death and ways to end it all.

I am grateful for good friends though, people who do not want to let you go. Its nice to know people care so much and believe in you when you cant believe in yourself. Thankyou to all you people you know who you are.

Earlier this week I ended up at a cemetry looking at graves, I thought they were the lucky ones to escape the pain and angony of life, what makes them go first I dont understand it?  some people dont go through the hell that others go through they leave earlier than others through death what makes them so lucky to do so. Why does a terminally ill child leave before someone who is healthy and suicidal? I dont understand. Why are some people chosen and others left behind. I know it is time and unforseen occurance but it hurts. I ended up quite frustrated in the graveyard as I personally as well as others go through hell everyday due to life and disorders, and yet I am still here suffering. I am tired I am depressed I am just over this life and I am stuck here until I die. I have been fighting for years now to stay strong and continue and am very tired. I dont know if I can continue this road. People tell me I have so much to give and need to keep going, but it is easy to say that but do I believe it I do not know.

I end up looking at a dead body in a funeral home. I am not even scared he is at peace I say. Others say he did not have a peaceful end. But I see something completely different. I cannot explain the way my mind works but it has come to the conclusion that living is hell and dying is a hell of a lot better. resting in peace. thats not the way it is though. I was given a tour of a funeral home recently and sat down and spoken to about the reality of suicide and what is involved, there was alot that I did not realise happens with every suicide.

anyway going to sign off for the night.


Tasha.

The other night in my dreams it was the end of the world. Ahh how freaky is that. Gave me a strange weird and awful feeling. Not pleasant. You just get that ikky feeling like what is going to happen next. Like when the twin towers went down or the tsnamui in Japan. Or the christchurch Earthquake just one thing after another. I feel sorry for all you in Christchurch that are still going through Hell my heart goes out to you all. Keep strong. I know that it easy to say when you havent walked in your shoes but thats all I can do. Give my sympathies like the rest of NZ

Got me thinking what can we do to relieve ourselves from our stressful lives.
The obvious things
WALKING EXERCISE
PRAYER
MEDIATION YOGA
BEING IN A PEACEFUL SPOT ENJOYING NATURE
GETTING OUT IN THE SUNSHINE GETTING VIT E
TAKE TIME OUT WITH A CUP OF COFFEE OR TEA. PROBABLY TEA LESS CAFFEINE BETTER FOR YOU AND BETTER FOR ANXIETY RELIEF
SLEEP
REST
RELAXATION
PLAY WITH PETS. WATCH THEM PLAY. THEY CAN PURR AND SIT ON YOUR LAP
VERY COMFORTING
LISTEN TO RELAXING MUSIC.
ORGANISE OUR HOMES, DE CLUTTER
WRITING POETRY/SONGS/STORIES

Can I suggest for some light relief from stress!

FRIENDS weeknights channel 2 6:30pm
THE BIG BANG THEORY - Funny about nerds. sooo good.
POLICE TEN 7
COMEDY SHOWS  friday night - Jono and Ben at 10

A different world- such as Glee channel 4 Wednesday nights.Light hearted comedy.


HILARIOUS...........................................................................................................


oh well theres some ideas if you hv some please post


Tasha

being present in the moment....

Another beautiful sunny day, thank goodness for that you get up and you just know that everythings going to be ok for the day because the sun is shining in the sky. I had my coffee and wash and put on todays scheduled clothing and went out to work.

 Being with the children today was a blessing. You see life being so worthwhile, and full of mystery and excitement, its a change from seeing life in another light. Its pretty sad when we grow up and change our perspective of life. It no longer seems like life is full of possiblities or maybe it does maybe its just us nutters who sometimes dont see it that way. I have no idea. I saw one child today carrying around a ladybird on his wrist, all the interest in this one little creature really interesting. Why at that age are we so fascinated with our world and what we are yet to experience, we cant get enough and instead of worrying about what is happening tomorrow in our worlds, or what the next stage of development or step may be we take one thing at a time and just enjoy every moment. John Kirwin points to this when he talks of mindfulness and this is one of the principles of Diabetual Behaviour therapy but it is something I sometimes master but very often forget to think of. But it is so important.

I realised this too when I passed a funeral home today and saw the crowd of people outside wearing black and the black herse outside. I have been so fascinated with the concept of death and those final moments in someones life. Hoping that they would be mine so many times. But this time I felt sorry for those left behind, for the friends and family and relatives, even the police officers that may have been involved. I remember looking for uniforms, as if I was searching for a facial expression that would tell me everything that I needed to know about the broken hearts left behind after a death. I wondered to myself whether this person had passed of old age, or whether it was a youth, a teen suicide or an accidental death. Whether it was a car crash, something that was fatal taking the one away from those who loved him or her. I realised in those few moments how fleeting life was it is here tomorrow and sometimes gone tomorrow and we only have so long on earth to prove ourselves worthy to both ourselves and our friends and family and the world we live in.  I wondered what was so special about this individual and what maybe would of been said in the service. I guess I was thinking this as well because I read something today in the local paper about a young girl that a friend of mine was close to who committed suicide not long ago due to bullying and feeling uncomfortable around youths around her. Her father is still coming to terms with what has happened and stated that he did not blame the bullies fully for what happened as a result. He knows that his daughter still had a choice how she handled the situation and in this case she chose the wrong one because she wanted to go down that road. This was interesting to me. Because I have always seen it is a personal decision commiting suicide and this was reinforced in my mind by what this father said in his comments. For a second I put myself in the place of this father and realised he must be feeling so much pain due to his daughters actions. I realised too that I am no better than this girl I have taken this road many times yes I have not been successful as of yet but do I want my father to be the one left behind regretting my actions and feeling remorse and knowing it was my choice but that I had taken a slice of his heart away by doing what I did. Nobody could bring me back if that was the outcome. Forever my family and friends would have a whole where I should of been.

I feel guilty cos even after thinking this way on the way home I was considering throwing my car into a lamppost. What makes you change this way of thinking I dont know.  I hope by meditating on what I saw today I can slowly change my mind as to this course of action. No matter how much pain I am in it really is not the right course of action for everyone to take your own life.

Hamish was talking about anxiety last night on the nutters club. I am listening to a song at the moment which is talking about having a spirit that is undestructable I hope that is the way I am. Anxiety when I have it I try and do deep breathing techniques such as wise mind. Breathing in wise and out Mind. Trying to change focus and perspective of events using CBT therapy. reframing what has happened in my mind. I have engaged in visual holidays where I take myself out of a situation and end up on a desert island or something peaceful such as a place like that where I can just be by myself. Sometimes I take a walk. I love to go to the lake and walk the dog.

I guess the key is just to keep going no matter how nasty you feel. To also have friends you know will listen to you when you need to vent. Or helplines for that matter.
Cry into your pillow. put on a song that expresses how you are feeling.

Just keep chugging along NEVER GIVE UP NO MATTER HOW LONG THE ROAD MAY SEEM
THERE COULD BE SOMETHING WONDERFUL ROUND THE CORNER

EVEN I CANT FORSEE THE FUTURE.



take care bloggers



Tasha

bits and bobs and useless chatter

What a beautiful sunny day its amazing how your mood is affected on a nice day like this. There is a slight bit of wind but sunny sunny sunny. I have been outside today with my family burning rubbish and all sorts of crap around our property. I didnt think I would enjoy doing this but I found it strangely theraputic to my situation. I was burning rubbish and at the same time burning the crappy things that I was thinking about the past, and throwing bit of rubbish into the fire and watching them disintegrate like I was disintergrating my past wrongs and things I regret, people I hate were the rubbish that was destroyed. All the things I reget were no more they were ashes. GONE the past is THE PAST.

I finished doing this and came inside cleaning the inside of the house as well. Then I sat down and watched Sex in the City 2 which I had out on dvd. I have a friend over for the evening so that is nice. We are going to drink some rum and cola. Yum. Its ok once and a while isnt it.

Friend came round and once again my mother made it all about her AGGGH. I get so frustrated when she goes through all her problems with my friends, and tries to get sympathy just pisses me off. I just sat there and tried not to say anything, all the time though steam was coming out of my ears. Plus if I try and say anything guess who cuts me off. Yes mother dearest again. So frustrating. Better not to say anything cos it is all about my mother and not actually a conversation between people. The usual. My friends end up having to listen to her life story. I dont know why she cant just keep quiet and let people have a nice evening without dragging up the past, especially when she does not know the person well in the first place. The person was MY FRIEND not hers.

I am so cross tonight. AGGGGGHHHH

I have come to bed after one rum and I dont feel tired even though I took my pills earlier this evening. SUX

Anyway going to sign off now for a while



Tasha.

living inside my mind!

Ok this is what it is like to live inside my mind. My mind is continually racing with ideas and thoughts and plans and I am meant to be on medication go figure. Dont think its working! anyway I am trying to remain positive but it would just be so much easier to give up and die rather than fight this crappy time I am having. I am sitting watching the voice on tv and also channel 3s x factor programme and yet that cant keep me interested enough. What is wrong with me. Aggghhhh 

I guess this is a really negative post and I am sorry if you feel that I shouldnt be posting tis but I said to myself when I started this blog that it was going to be 100 percent real. Well this is reality for me for the present. So if it doesnt interest you to hear these struggles then do not read on. Even though it can be a comfort to know that others are going through hell. You are not the only one in other words.

I have a friend who keeps telling me I am strong and will get through these struggles. I dont know to what extent to believe him, I am strong yes that is true life has made me that way by what I have suffered. But whether I am strong to put up with this borderline crap mixed with Bipolar stuff I do not know. My mind is going crazy 24 7 and there is no telling it to shut up. I am so impulsive I want to do stuff, I want to push boundaries and go over the wall of what is realistic real behaviour.

Maybe I am lacking excitement in my life. I dont know I have always had quite a controlling upbringing in a church environment but I dont believe that is why I am reacting as I am at present. I believe its because of a health reason the one I mentioned above. I am not blaming my behaviour on my health but its really difficult to put up with your mind going crazy in this way and turn a blind eye.

How strong is strong that is my question you all out there. Does it put up with this forever and a day and just hope for the best. Cos i am struggling to do this.  I am struggling to continue my fight to stay alive and part of this world.

I need help but I am on meds and I am waiting for DBT and I am not strong enough to call out to mental health services so I will continue doing this without them.

I hv planned how I am going to steal medication from a pharmacy and gobble them down before leaving, I have planned other things too. My mind is going to town.

I'm not scared of consequences of my actions.
I want to feel alive and excited even for a moment.

I guess people will think this blog is just attention seeking its not. trust me. Everything I am saying is real for me. I am incredibly impulsive so I can not tell you when these things are due to occur.

I do know though that what I think of does normally happen if it festers in my mind for too long it drives me crazy and then it happens.

sorry again about the content of this blog.

better on paper than in my head.


Nite


Tasha.

beaten down not defeated yet.

My mind has been racing. Woke up 4am this morning with thourts that just would not shut up, impulsive thoughts crazy ideas etc. My solution to this was to get out of bed and go and make a hot cup of milo. I just wanted to chuck stuff around the place. The angry feelings were to the point i could of seriously done some damage in different circumstances.

Your dreams are an interesting and varied place to visit. I guess they are fairly safe cos if it happens in the dream it can seem really lifelike without actually posing any danger or hurting anyone close to you. Its when your dreams become so real that you really feel that you are carrying out that activity, just makes you want to do it more sometimes when you wake up and find you are still around you are disappointed in this fact to the point where you just want to show yourself you can actually complete what you say you will or what you have no reservations in completing in your dream. Why is that. I dont get why its such a big deal to make what happens in the dream a reality.

I thought getting these thoughts on paper yesterday through using charcoal and pastels that I had got all the frustration out of my system, but to have a night like I did last night tells me that I am far from over feeling the frustration and the anger and the annoyance of living this way. I get so fed up with being me. I did some more crazy things yesterday that I dont quite understand including bidding on another wardrobe on trade me cos I couldnt let it go the emotional attachment was too much, even though I had bought a cheaper one the day before. Now i have two wardrobes, my solution to this is to wait for them both to arrive and make up my mind, one I can very easily turn into a storage cupboard. I was trying to explain the way my brain works to my dad the other day, they are starting to understand but they just say hang in there, you will get through it. They dont get what it is like living like this day by day. Seriously if I knew this would be my reality in life I would of chosen not to be born on this earth but hey just saying the choice wasnt up to me and it sux.

I am listening to my playlist for when I am depressed. It makes me feel like there is someone there holding my hand, and telling me to continue. Even though I know it is only music. The words are impressioning on my mind. I also know that you nutters are all depending on me getting through this hell, and I dont want to disappoint you. Saying that though remember i have done my best whatever the outcome may be.

One of the verses in the song I am listening to says would someone come and carry me home tonight/  thats how I am feeling - vunerable and small. Like a child scared of puberty. Even though I know this is really different to that situation.

I recieved a lovely heartfelt card from my Aunty in Australia it pretty much says this is just a few lines to let you know that we love you, you are very special and have a special place in our family. Our family would have a sad and empty space in it if you were not here so please honey dont keep trying to harm yourself.  She says that she knows I am clever enough to beat my diagnosis that I need to punch it right back and not let it beat me down. Its a lovely card. Hard for her to get what it is like daily for a sufferer though it is easy to look in and say be strong but to live it daily is a different story. Lovely words though. It is nice to know I am loved.

I am very tired today due to my escapades in the night. Take care nutters and I will get back to you later.
The one thing I have achieved today is doing the dishes downstairs and getting myself some lunch.

Yay


talk later


Tasha.

impulsive tasha

I've had a few days off the blog. Sometimes its good to take another perspective on things, and I wanted to see what a difference it was making to my life writing a blog. It turns out that it is making a big difference cos I know you followers of this blog are waiting for another entry to be posted. So here I am. I am needed, I guess.

I have been put on a new drug from the psychiatrist, Epillem. I have been extremely tired and zonked out since i started this drug a few days ago. Unfortunely it is not quick acting and will start working in 3 or 4 weeks. Not a quick fix, but better than nothing. Anyway I have been zonked out and wanting to sleep for most of the day, I have had no energy and been really lethargic. Not at all who I am. So thats a bit concerning but I am not giving up on it yet.

My impulsive thoughts have been driving me up the wall though. The other night I wanted to drive to the nearest town and buy KFC and this was at 11pm at night. Then it was chocolate I wanted anything to do with chocolate late and night and ended up eating heaps of junk food to shut up the impulse. Last night it was that I wanted to go for a drive, and speed, and be chased by the cops, I wanted to go out and stay out all night and not come home till 2 in the morning. Thats if I returned at all I didnt mind if I ended up in a pole or a tree. I only didnt follow this plan through as I was listening to the nutters club on radio live and told myself I would go out after 12 when the show ends, by that time my pills had kicked in and I was tired, and sleepy and not at all in the mood. So thankyou radio live I guess. Good for more than one purpose.

I have just had dinner, maccoroni cheese with bacon. Tasty. I am watching friends, before shortland street and greys tonight. I have my fluffy ginger persian cat beside me wanting some attention. Its amazing what comfort you can get from your fury companions. They need you, and want your time and fuss.

I made myself change my bedsheets today, I am proud that I did that even though I had no energy. Now I have the joy of nice fresh clean bedsheets to fit between. I love the feel of freshly cleaned sheets. Such a joy.

Going to go now my mind is racing with thoughts and I cant even concentrate on my blog.

take care readers..


Tasha.

Never stop dreaming!

Well bloggers here I am again. I am just realising that even though I have been sick for so long it does not have to mean the end of my dreams. I will make what I purpose happen. I have this image of myself as a qualified early childhood teacher in a childcare centre and I will get there. With much hard work of course, but why cant I finish off my degree in childcare, I started it, I have the intelligence and the know how. I just need the paper at the end of the day and because of my health at the time the certificate is missing from my wall. Does not mean the dream has to end though. I have found a centre that I feel really comfortable in, at the moment I am doing some temporary work there, but I am in line for a permanent job if i play my cards right so wish me the best. I forgot how wonderful it was working alongside children, they brighten up yr life, with their smiles and their laughter. Their innocent comments, and ways of percieving the world. I had two young children today who got excited over seeing a fly buzzing around. Something us supposed adults would take for granted.  Going back to what i said in my last blog the simple things of life are the best! It got me thinking I wish us adults could percieve things the way children percieved the world around them. Why are we in such a rush to get to the next stage when there are treasures lying around us that we are not even taking notice of. If we dont take notice of the joys and wonders around us we will miss out on things that are wonderous and exiting that are here for a little while and then gone again.

Kind of like People. We take for granted that our friends and family members will stay in our lives. But the reality is different we do not know what will happen in days to come and we do not know what time and unforseen circumstances can do. We just need to enjoy these ones whilst we have them. Treasure the small amounts of time we have with them and that means being fully present in the moment.

Went and saw the psychiatrist today and I have been given new meds so thank goodness for that. My doctor is taking me seriously. So in 3 weeks hopefully I will be feeling a hell of a lot better than nowadays. But where there is a will there is a way. He is also going to look into DBT therapy.

going to sign off now,

take care bloggers



Tasha

Wrapping myself up in cotton Wool.

I am sorta blank today. Maybe i shared too much with you all yesterday but my pain is lying dormant within my heart and soul. I feel like crying but as I am used to suppressing my emotions I am suppressing my pain again and not allowing myself to feel it. I know though to heal from the trauma I have endured and continue to face I need to face my fears and feel every bit of my pain. This seems such a scary proposition to someone who has not done this before. I am thinking if i allow myself to feel the pain I might never stop, I might not be able to see the reality from the past and I may grieve into an abyss and not be able to get myself out of it.

I guess this is a process though that needs to happen and the sooner it does the better you will feel in the long run. But opening yourself up to face all that just makes me weary. I do not know if you have felt this way before you probably have. I hear the words fight the fear and do it anyway and this is probably how it is going to have to happen. You cant live your life suppressing your pain and anguish you have to let it out someday and it is better to let it out in ways that are helpful to you and that help you continue along your journey or the path you have taken.

So this what I will do whether I need to punch every inch of my pillow continually and let out the anger that way, whether I need to call a helpline and just go on and on about how I am feeling, or maybe it is a silent expression where I just sit and let the emotions come to me and let them out in a healthy way that is not harmful to myself or others around me.

I know today is very cold and I feel like wrapping myself up in cotton wool and staying warm in a blanket, a place of security for me. A place where I cannot come to harm and where I cannot do any harm to myself. I am vunerable but I try and stay strong for those around me. Being vunerable and low doesnt get you anywhere in fact it gets you nowhere soon. I dont want to stand still or just in one place. I have too much potential for that and realise that. Knowing this though I am still falling back on my bad ways, on the paths that give me some degree of comfort. They are not helpful, they are not progressive in the ways of making me better emotionally physically and mentally. They keep you in a box or make you go backwards. But it is hard when these particular methods bring a degree of serenity or peace. How do you find peace in your life?

I know I need to find other ways to find that peace and that serenity I just havent found them yet and havent worked out what works for my personal situation. I believe i am getting to the point though where I am fed up of looking in the mirror at a person who takes two steps forward and one back. What is the point of doing that. All the time you are fighting for things to get better so why sabotage yourself at the point when things do seem to be changing and evolving into a better quality of life. I am not just blaming myself as I know I have disorders that make it difficult to see reality from what is percieved in the mind, and the impulsive nature that i possess and intense anxiety make it difficult to say no when it really counts. But I guess before that time comes it is up to me to realise I am weak, and need people around me to step in when I reach a certain point and go downhill.

Having a safety plan is important. Having family members on the same page, so they realise what you are facing by looking up information about it, and knowing the signals to watch for when you are going downhill emotionally. I have my parents picking up my medication for me, and controlling this, it is embarressing to mention this but this is a protection for me as there is no way I can take an overdose of pills as they are controlling how many I receive at any given point in time. Yes it does make you feel a little bit inferior but when you reach a certain point you know the only way to go is up and sooner or later you have to realise that sometimes you have to give control to those you love in order to protect you, and keep you safe and living alongside them. I am definately not out of the woods I am extremely unbalanced on the medication I am on now and i am hoping that seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow will sort all of that out. It is an uphill battle and i get tired of the struggle like everyone else, but something keeps you on this earth and you might not know that purpose now but sooner or later you will. I have set up another strategy being a safe box where I keep some photos, and affirmations, and other special items so that when I am extremely low and suicidal I can open the box and have letters and photos, and activities to keep me occupied. It also reminds you why you are here, as your family and friends are in those photos, and you know their lives will not be the same if you were not around.

I'm not perfect guys I spend alot of my time looking for ways to end my life as well as save it. But the key is I try not to give up, yes i fall but I can get up hopefully and if I cant hopefully others can get me up on my feet until I am ready to stand on my own. Thats the idea of this blog as well to realise the struggles are not just felt by one person but we are all struggling and we can all relate to how others are feeling. When I was in a bad way the other week a friend of mine called the police. That friend is a true friend, he saw a need and he followed through, he knew i was not in a good place and he had to act. He would not of been a good friend if he didnt react. You never know guys when a life is going to be saved by your actions, dont think too long just act. If its a false alarm its ok at least you were there for your friend, and you got the help for them that was required.

I have my cat near me as I write this blog, I can hear him purrring what a lovely sound. Its such a peaceful and soft noise, vibrating. I can hear the rain as I write this, and that is a comforting sound, as it washes away the blurry skies and feeds the plants, and flowers. Try not to take the sounds you hear for granted. They are important they are moments in time where we get to stop and listen!

Like John Kirwin speaks of enjoying a cup of coffee and smelling the coffee, the aroma. Feeling the sun on your back. This is reality this is life, this is meditation and enliving the forgotton spirit of the soul. We need to live in the present not in the future and definately not in the past. I still struggle with this one, sometimes i am present and other times I am somewhere else.

I will try and be more present though and enjoy every moment that comes my way in a positive light.

Thats the way we start to enjoy life instead of just endure it.

Yes we struggle but we also can live a present which is life. A gift, and it is up to us how we unwrap and care for it.

We have control.

We have a choice

We have a life to live and a gift to leave the world

Just another bit of info that I am trying to live and leave myself.


Cheers


Tasha

Concrete Angel

Ok I have some thoughts to share I need to let go of some of my pain some of my drama. Sometimes your life becomes Me Me Me. The truth is thats the way my disorder makes me feel on a regular basis. It shouldnt be like that though. I have a friend a really good mate who is moving away and it is breaking my heart. She has a young 2 year old son who I have had alot to do with. Its hurting me. People seem to leave me alot, that has happened quite a few times during my life up to now. I know it is a fact of life that people move, change, mature, but it always hits me hard. Well its hitting me hard now, so what to do about it. I just feel like I am always left on my own like the only one I can depend on is me. I have lost friends and family before for quite some time. I am not ready to talk about the situation for this. I never quite recovered if you know what i mean, I lost them and had to stand on my own two feet even though it broke me into pieces. To go from being around the familiar to having the familiar surroundings you are used to whisked away, its confusing. I had to find another identity another part of myself that I did not know was there to get through it all. That was my strength. You do not realise how strong you are until you have to show it, strength is the only thing that keeps you going when times are tough and you think life is never going to get better.

I did not know how strong I was, and I still do not know the strength I am capable of. I am not alone we all have that strength if we look inside ourselves. I went through having abusive inlaws, and a failed marriage that left me alone again, without any self esteem but I picked myself up I dusted myself off and 2 years later I am doing ok on my own. Its not impossible and despite what people say you do not need a man to make or keep you happy. I get alot of strength from doing simple things like driving around in my own car which I paid for, filling my car with petrol, taking care of it. keeping my independence, my flexiblity as to how my money will be spent. All of these things are a testiment to what its like to be independent and strong. I had a husband who ripped me off who took money each week and made me think we were poor, and didnt have enough to splurge. Far from the truth but I found that out too late. Anyway I promised myself that i would always be aware of what the financial situation is around me. That i would keep my power and not let a man take that from me.

I have been attending a group which is a stopping violence support group to try and deal with some of this stuff, painful experiences that have happened. I have let men rule me for far too long, and have been used and abused. I have had boyfriends who have got what they wanted at a price. The price was my self esteem. You think you are going to lose someone if you dont give them what they want at the time, far from it. Its the way a man keeps power over you and uses that to his advantage. Women do not need to give in to every urge or request of a man. We are not controlled by Men we are free agents who decide what we will accept and who will treat us a certain way. I have learnt to not let men treat me with less than what I deserve. But this has taken some time. From a young age a man took advantage of a friendship with my family and the church and took advantage of me. I have always seen myself as undeserving of love and as an object. It has taken many years and many bad experiences and now this stopping violence support group for women to prove to me that I deserve far more than I have received in the past from men, from people for that matter. Nobody should be made to feel inferior or not valuable in a humans eyes. People rolling their eyes at you, this is not ok. Nobody should be made to feel like dirt. Yet when I consider it it happens very commonly in relationships and communities. I hope women take heed and realise they do not need to put up with the treatment that they recieve and they are worth more than that. If a man does not treat you the way you deserve get out of that relationship and find someone who will treat you like a queen! how you deserve to be treated.

Also think of the children dont let children be wittnesses of abuse, or violence, they will remember this in years to come, and are likely to have emotional problems and bad relationships.

I dont have alot to say about how i have got through these times that I have spoken of apart from pure endurance and just having to get through. You think you are weak but you are powerful when you have the chance to show it. It has been a hard road. I have gone through alot including growing up in a religious family and then being excommunicated at 23 years of age. I had a very unwell mother who was frequently attempting sucide as I was growing up.  I hv been abused, verbal, emotionally, psychologically by family members but also my husband and his mother and father. enduring this and a short marriage of only a year and a half. I have been taken advantage of by a number of men including a middle aged member of my church at the time who was a family friend. I studied for a degree in childcare but was very unwell and had to give up this dream for a while as I was unsafe around children. I have had many attempts at ending my life and ended up in hospital psych wards and admissions to hospital. I was not let back into the church for 6 years and this meant not seeing my family and all my friends for many years its hard because I still dont have much of a relationship with some of them but I try. Adding to this I suffer with Borderline Personality disorder and Bipolar Disorder.
I do not want to keep looking back at my past but to let it lay dorment is a scary prospect as well I am angry because my impulsive personality due to Borderline personality disorder and bipolar affected me I believe right back when I was excommunicated from the church. I did not know i had this disorder at the time tho and there was no sympathy. I know now that I was very unwell and I do not know if how I was treated was entirely fair. But I cant live in the past, and I have to let things go otherwise they are going to continue to eat me up with resentment and hurt. I do not know how to let this go though any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. There are no words to the pain I feel on a continual basis due to the decisions and things that have happened in my life.

So how to you move on. I guess a start is by blogging all this on this site so that once again it is out of my head and onto paper. I have to say that I need to think that I can get through in order to make it happen. I choose to forgive and forget the past and to let go of these events and things once and for all. Yes they happened I accept that, it was not fair, but it is not right to hold grudges, and it does not help me in the present to carry this round on my back as a burden. It is time to accept that I was a person that was not aware I was naive at times, and I was sick and I was not aware of this fact at the time. The church only did what they thought was right at the time. I have to stop blaming them and myself. My friends and family do love me, they do accept me now and that is the main thing. It does not matter that for those 6 years I was nothing to them because I was in their hearts and their minds. I have to leave my ex behind and realise that he had the problem, his family his parents had issues, and they could not let go of their son so how could they embrace their daughter in law. I deserve better treatment. I will get better treatment. I will not accept anything less than I deserve as i am a beautiful confident lovely girl who deserves to be loved and to have all her dreams come true.

I accept my illnesses and I am not going to fight them any longer. I am just going to try and keep going moving forward and to recovery where I can have the things I deserve a family a future a good quality life. I refuse to be defined by my illness. I am more than that I am a person with feelings and a heart. I am not going to fight living. I am going to embrace it. I am not scared to succeed to live to have a wonderful life. I refuse to dwell on what i dont have instead I embrace what is right infront of me the people and the comforts of home, my pets, my parents, my friends, and myself.

Suicide can never be an option no matter how hard the day may be. I deserve more in life than that, I dont want to put people and family through that pain. I am better than that. I can succeed I can do well in life.

I refuse to give up on myself but to see the possiblities that hey I can make it. I will make it. I will fight everything and anything and I will get through......

Goodbye to the people that have hurt me. have let me down, have made me feel inferior, I am strong and I have got through those hard times and I will get through everything else that is thrown my way,
I am a concrete Angel. Who is unmovable, unrestricted by all my issues, there are no boundaries there are no limits to what i can accomplish....

and I will succeed.


Signing off

Tasha