tonights entry

Theres alot happening in my world right now, and I dont seem to be coping too great. My grandfather has lukemia, and I watch him on skype and he has lost weight and does not look well. I have also been told by mum and my grandma that he is a bit slower in understanding things. Its just not pleasant when you see your grandparents who were healthy as looking really not like they should.

I dont have terribly much to say about this because it is such a hard topic for me to even explain the emotional pain I am feeling is deep as. I so want to give up on life and commit suicide. But I would be undoing all the good that Mike King did in the wairarapa yesterday by visiting the 3 schools in the wairarapa and talking at the town hall about the issue of suicide, due to the fact that many of the youths have been taking their lives. If I took my life then there could be more copycat suicides so that would ruin the whole point of stopping suicide. So instead I am unhappy living. Existing for everyone around me again. Nah thats not going to do.

On a lighter side Mike King was hillirous on the stage for the first part of the event at the town hall. Could not stop laughing. It was interesting to hear his personal story. My pictures were a hit, one dealing on how the suicidal individual feels, and the other on we can make it through the tough times. Lots of interest, and I was able to speak to a few of the teenagers about what my story was about, even though I didnt get the chance to share story with everyone as planned which was disappointing. At the town hall there was the chance to let the community talk and have their say about the issues, and it was emphasised that parents need to listen to their children and be approachable as bullying is a major problem in the wairarapa.

Mum went off to Melbourne today for 5 wks or so, so just dad and I here shes gone to spend time with her dad my grandad who is sick with Leukemia. I know I missed out on sleep last night so maybe that accounts for some of my mood I dont know. Went for a drive today dropped off the easels I borrowed, and visited the police station, Dhb and medical centre to show pictures, I have had two offers to put my 2 large pics on suicide at either the doctors surgery or Supporting families, on lend. So I have decisions to make. Where would the pics have more impact etc. I decided to visit the police station so they could see some of the things that are going through the minds of those in that space. Went to my local doctors surgery and left a canvas painting there on loan so will see if theres interest from that. I am just trying to spread my name around adn I have so many pics now it is hard to know what to do with them all. After a while gets too much, unless having an exhibition. There was alot of interest from patients at the medical centre, but no offers as of yet. I have left my details though, so will see.


Watched the nutters club tonight on maori television that was good.

Something I dont understand is that I am really concerned about youth and young people committing suicide and dont want them to do so, but I dont give a stuff about myself doing so, and completing it and dying. Its so much of a double standard, like its ok for me but not ok for them. I dont understand it but suicide has always been my exit point, and still is my exit point if life gets too difficult or too painful to handle. Maybe people say that is looking backwards and not forwards I dont know. I never planned to make suicide a focal part of my life but it has become it and I cant help but think of it and it makes me angry if I attempt and dont succeed.. I dont commit suicide for attention I do it cos I am in incredibly awful pain that I cannot rid myself of. drove today without my seatbelt on, no fear of death, dont care taking chances. I dont know how to stop this. I dont know if I want to enough to stop this ive given up in my head but everyone tells you you can push a little further. That is frustrating.
and I am frustrating them in the process, I really personally feel everyone would be better off without me., I am trouble, and I dont want to be that for anyone. The only way I can stop this is by taking myself out.


Tash