Live for the Present!

Hi bloggers.
Well positive me back I think!
Woke up today feeling a bit clearer. So that was a good start, have spent time organising wardrobe for summer and packing up the heavy winter jerseys as I dont think they are really needed now cos the weather seems to be getting warmer. I have also done some washing, and some ironing.

I have been in a big muddle recently, as you probably dont know I have been down a big hole of depression and bpd, and bipolar mixed together, believe me has not been pleasant everything has been dark and depressing, I have tried to take my life several times. But I am still here so someone up in the sky is smiling down on me and saying hey your not ready to go yet Miss. So maybe its time to listen to that someone!

I havent been able to think of anything but death, and ending it. Recently too I recieved bad news about my grandad in Aussie having leukemia which brought my world crashing down! as had found out that another granny had suspected bowel cancer, and lost a grandad this year already to cancer and a close friend. So I thought woefully poor me Im gonna lose another one. Also mum has gone over to Australia to see my grandad cos of the cancer and I miss her terribly abandonment issues caused by BPD. I felt blow I wanted to go to, and my world seemed dark, I also looked at my past and thought nothings gonna get better so go top yourself girl!

Thankfully my new medication has started to work, and we have had 2 days of complete sunshine. I also did some volunteering at Supporting families here in the wairarapa. It was lovely to think of people other than myself for once. When you have depression or a mental illness or both you can become very self centred and selfish. You dont mean to be this way. I had another friend help me through and I owe him so much, calling me day and night just making sure I was ok. That is a true friend. Kindness like that is not forgotton.

Believe it or not Mike King has also been a strong deterant not to end my life by suicide. He has been going throughout the north island talking on the issue of suicide and how we are losing too many youngsters and others to suicide. Trying to get communities to rally together to stop it from happening! Well he told me privately if I was to give up and kill myself then I would be undoing all the good he had accomplished talking to the wairarapa people at the Town Hall. What example would I be setting for all the youngsters and teens, none at all and then they may copy me and we end up with a bigger problem. Thanks Mike King big shout out to You.. You got me through a tough time just by saying that comment  to me when I said what I was planning, I was able to think twice about what I was planning to do!

Anyway as I said woke up bit clearer today, but the last few days too I have come to a solution to one of my problems I thought the best thing was to stay away from church and grieve, and get over my grudge etc for what happened. But I have found that I have been lonely and more miserable than I could ever imagine and I have missed it, the teachings, the people. So tomorrow I am going back to church tomorrow with new eyes, and a new perspective and attitude.This will not be easy because I have been hurt greatly but I am looking at putting this hurt aside and going in with a fresh perspective and seeing what others see not through my eyes, but through eyes that hvnt cried the pain. But I know it is time to stop crying. I know if I dont put myself out there I will not make friends, etc and opportunities will pass me by. I would like my grandfather to see me happy before he dies, and at the moment I am not there, but it is achieveable and hopefully now I am on the right medication I can become well mentally and emotionally and move forward in life instead of staying still in a place that is not productive for myself or for those around me. I used to be very sociable and a good friend and for years now I have been isolating myself well its time to get out of the box of safety and just put myself out there, for better or worse, I may get my heart broken but better is it to love than to stay hiden away from the world. I will keep up with the blog and let you know how this journey pans out.

I am ready, and I choose to live in the present and forget the past.

 I no longer want to reject others, and isolate myself, I want to come out of myself and forget the past. I used to be so social well I can be again, and if I dont put myself out there, opportunities cannot come my way, eg partner, friendships, and LIFE. so if you dont want to sit on the shelf and hv a bore of a life and feel down all the time, then get out there and start living that starts with talking to ppl and opening yourself up to heartbreak but also the possiblities of developing great friendships. im going back to my church tomorrow with different eyes, and a different attitude. so I will let u know how that goes. I am ready to be involved again.

forget the past I am living for the present!I know that I feel lost without my church especially when I believe in everything they say, I just need to get over myself. live in the present

For a long time I have not been living. Well I have been living in the past, in the dark lands. not the present.

 A documentary was on the other night on channel 2 20/20 programme of a doctor up in Auckland who has cancer but despite that he doesnt allow it to get the best of him. He still lives his life to the fullest, including working in the emergency department of a busy hospital, even whilst completing chemo treatments every week. He takes every opportunity and runs with it,  and something clicked for me. Why am I trying to end my life when this man is trying so hard to keep his?, and yet I have the opportunity to maybe live a long life. It doesnt make sense and it shows such disrespect for the sanctity of life and the fact that life can be here today and gone tomorrow. He didnt take for granted one moment of his life. Even taking pictures of a flower with raindrops on it, things of beauty but we walk past everyday thinking oh well that'll be there tomorrow. We are rushing, instead of enjoying the little things. Maybe John Kirwins right when he says enjoy the little things Tasha.



I am ready, and I choose to live in the present and forget the past.

I say to u try and see the church with fresh eyes, go in there and talk to people and come out of yrself. I am going to try and do the same I no longer want to reject others, and isolate myself, I want to come out of myself and forget the past. I used to be so social well I can be again, and if I dont put myself out there, opportunities cannot come my way, eg partner, friendships, and LIFE. so if you dont want to sit on the shelf and hv a bore of a life and feel down all the time, then get out there and start living that starts with talking to ppl and opening yourself up to heartbreak but also the possiblities of developing great friendships. im going back to my church tomorrow with different eyes, and a different attitude. so I will let u know how that goes. I am ready to be involved again.

forget the past I am living for the present!I know that I feel lost without my church especially when I believe in everything they say, I just need to get over myself. live in the present