my sunday nights have changed BRING NUTTERS CLUB BACK RADIO LIVE

Watched The Hangover yesterday on channel 2. I love that movie its so funny! I thoroughly recommend it!!!!!! Would of preferred though to be listening to my favourite show on radio live - The Nutters Club, but unfortunely someone at radiolive thought that the nutters club show was not worth keeping on air once a week! I say to that person obviously you have not had mental health issues you have not been in the position where I and some others find ourselves in where we need to vent things, we need to talk to professionals and get sound advice to our medical questions without judgement. Sometimes we just need to hear from those who are brave enough to reach out and pick up the phone and share their stories, because we can completely relate to their stories of struggles, and how they got through or how they are just holding on for dear life hoping not to lose their grip.

I have no idea why this show has been removed. All I know is that this show has helped many a person, saved many lives, and given hope and advice to many a listener. Not to mention the host Mike King is inspirational in himself. He is reaching out to the country now trying to get people to hear that suicides are happening and we need to do something about it before we lose too many individuals to this silent killer. I completely agree with everything this man is doing, and think good on him for speaking up. Using humour and his own story to get through to the many kids at high school and us oldies. His co-host Dr David Codyre well he is a professional that doesnt need too much of an entrance because we know already that sound advice is provided to help each individual in their situation or problem. Then there are the many guests that come on this show and share their stories of tribulation and also incredible strength through their struggles and the way they have come to be at the stage of wellness.

I say to whomever at Radio Live. Bring this show back to once a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! much more valuable than all of your talkback shows put together. Who wants to hear general talkback constantly when The Nutters Club is advice for the time we live in, to get through daily struggles and tribulations. Even if you have no mental health issues I swear blind that you can gain something from this miracle of a radio programme.


Anyway I am not the only one who feels this way.


Come on Radio Live play ball.....give your listeners what they want!


Tash

tonights entry

Theres alot happening in my world right now, and I dont seem to be coping too great. My grandfather has lukemia, and I watch him on skype and he has lost weight and does not look well. I have also been told by mum and my grandma that he is a bit slower in understanding things. Its just not pleasant when you see your grandparents who were healthy as looking really not like they should.

I dont have terribly much to say about this because it is such a hard topic for me to even explain the emotional pain I am feeling is deep as. I so want to give up on life and commit suicide. But I would be undoing all the good that Mike King did in the wairarapa yesterday by visiting the 3 schools in the wairarapa and talking at the town hall about the issue of suicide, due to the fact that many of the youths have been taking their lives. If I took my life then there could be more copycat suicides so that would ruin the whole point of stopping suicide. So instead I am unhappy living. Existing for everyone around me again. Nah thats not going to do.

On a lighter side Mike King was hillirous on the stage for the first part of the event at the town hall. Could not stop laughing. It was interesting to hear his personal story. My pictures were a hit, one dealing on how the suicidal individual feels, and the other on we can make it through the tough times. Lots of interest, and I was able to speak to a few of the teenagers about what my story was about, even though I didnt get the chance to share story with everyone as planned which was disappointing. At the town hall there was the chance to let the community talk and have their say about the issues, and it was emphasised that parents need to listen to their children and be approachable as bullying is a major problem in the wairarapa.

Mum went off to Melbourne today for 5 wks or so, so just dad and I here shes gone to spend time with her dad my grandad who is sick with Leukemia. I know I missed out on sleep last night so maybe that accounts for some of my mood I dont know. Went for a drive today dropped off the easels I borrowed, and visited the police station, Dhb and medical centre to show pictures, I have had two offers to put my 2 large pics on suicide at either the doctors surgery or Supporting families, on lend. So I have decisions to make. Where would the pics have more impact etc. I decided to visit the police station so they could see some of the things that are going through the minds of those in that space. Went to my local doctors surgery and left a canvas painting there on loan so will see if theres interest from that. I am just trying to spread my name around adn I have so many pics now it is hard to know what to do with them all. After a while gets too much, unless having an exhibition. There was alot of interest from patients at the medical centre, but no offers as of yet. I have left my details though, so will see.


Watched the nutters club tonight on maori television that was good.

Something I dont understand is that I am really concerned about youth and young people committing suicide and dont want them to do so, but I dont give a stuff about myself doing so, and completing it and dying. Its so much of a double standard, like its ok for me but not ok for them. I dont understand it but suicide has always been my exit point, and still is my exit point if life gets too difficult or too painful to handle. Maybe people say that is looking backwards and not forwards I dont know. I never planned to make suicide a focal part of my life but it has become it and I cant help but think of it and it makes me angry if I attempt and dont succeed.. I dont commit suicide for attention I do it cos I am in incredibly awful pain that I cannot rid myself of. drove today without my seatbelt on, no fear of death, dont care taking chances. I dont know how to stop this. I dont know if I want to enough to stop this ive given up in my head but everyone tells you you can push a little further. That is frustrating.
and I am frustrating them in the process, I really personally feel everyone would be better off without me., I am trouble, and I dont want to be that for anyone. The only way I can stop this is by taking myself out.


Tash

Its a learning process.

Hi people. Ive been absent minded for the past few weeks. But saying that I think I am returning slowly. I really feel that my new medication may be kicking in finally. I will say this cos for the time things looked up a fraction.

I woke up this morning and was determined to be out of bed as I have been home in bed for the last 3 days with a bad foot. As I hurt my ankle falling down the stairs. I am still on crutches but mum and I went to the market day opposite and bought some lemon curd and then we went out for morning tea at a cafe. I bought a donut and a custard slice and split them so we both had half of both and I bought 2 mochas, they were delivered to the table and were scrummy.

Then we went to the supermarket to get a few things. Lucky for me the ladies at the cashier counters could see that I was struggling on my crutches and let me cut through so I didnt have to walk round the whole store. Have you ever tried walking on crutches, man its hard work, takes alot out of you especially when you havent used your feet for the last few days. I bought a few items and then returned to the car went home. Mum then showed me kindly how to fillet a fish salmon as I had not done this process before. I sat downstairs in the armchair and watched her taking each part off and setting it aside for meals. So we got good value from our salmon which was only $20 in the first place. It should do us 3 meals and thats between 3 individuals.

I spent some time today reading a book on forgiveness and getting rid of pain and healing the soul. I couldnt really do much else as I am no good on my feet, and cannot drive due to my foot being no good on the pedals for the time being, I cannot walk anywhere as my foot is not strong enough, so all I could do was put my feet up and read, or watch tv or sleep.

This book talks about feeling your grief and letting those feelings of pain to well inside you feeling without trying to find the answers or blaming others just letting the feeling be, feeling it and letting it go when you are ready. The book does say though that forgiveness is not a light process and it can take longer for others then some. That you forgive when the time is right and you feel that it is vital you move on.

I also watched the nutters show that was presented on maori television last night at 10.30pm. I have a laptop so watched it on there. I took time and listened to what the women were saying and applied what she was saying to my personal situation. I felt like she was telling me, she knew the time was right for her and she didnt want to be stuck, I am stuck and I dont wanna be so I need to make a move. That is difficult for me as the level of pain I am feeling inside is extremely high but at the same time it is a necessary process in order to go forward and not stay stuck in this place.  Because at the end of the day you either accept help and get out of the rut, or you stay in it stubbornly or you die by taking your own life. I do not want to stay stubbornly in a mess where I am not happy and not achieving anything. I am trying not to end my life for the sake of those around me. so that means I need to accept help and move forward no matter how hard or long that journey may be.

youngsters giving up before they hit 20

Read some stuff tonight on facebook, and particularly the wairarapa suicide prevention site. I listened to some songs. A really sad song by Ben Harper. Which made me cry because it talked about how alone the person felt in the words of the song. Thats the reality of many who do take their lives ultimately. I wonder though if the music they listen to leads them to do so though because the words can be full of violent undertones, and suicidal thoughts. One song I used to listen to on a hit combination album the words said go kill yourself go kill yourself. Now what message is that driving into the teens mind. Well you know the answer. I skipped that song. But songs provided by groups such as limp biskit, linken Park, can be quite violent in overtones and their meanings. They can stirr something within the individual where they need to let out their frustrations.  I know songs such as going under by Evenscence, the words of that are very subtle but deep in meaning. I know personally that alot of rap music and hip hop have violent themes throughout the songs, creating messages that are left in the youths head leading them to certain actions and activities. This is just a theory but songs such as Eminem- stan, yes its catchy too catchy because the song ultimately is about a fan committing suicide and taking his family down with him. Not good for a teenager who is down and out or even a young person or anyone to be listening to as it creates ideas, and a plan can emerge just on the subconscious thinking of the individual.

But im not here to judge. I just know at their age the thought did not even enter my mind, I was too busy being a youngster. Shows how times have changed. What a society we live in now. Its just getting worse. John Key really frustrates me because the governments most pressing issue in their world is Dot Com. Well what about the many people taking their own lives in our country I would of thought that was more of an issue that needed to be dealt with. Things are only getting worse with unemployment and other reasons, youth are finding it difficult to find work, they are losing self esteem and self worth and giving up before their lives have even begun.

I wonder if anyone is out there actually listening to these teenagers and working out what is going on in their minds? they need to talk to someone who has been there, who suffers with thoughts of death continually and know that its ok to be honest about what is going on for them. And for goodness sakes facebook pages glorifying people who have taken their lives need to be gone! its not helping the situation.

Im with Mike King that we need to help this situation on our own cos the governments are not listening and neither are the DHB. But communities can get involved and make a difference to the youth and those who are vunerable. More about this later!


anyway going to sleep now



Tash.

confusion

Hi been on bed rest today, have a sprained ankle due to falling down the stairs. I am very impressed with the ed department locally as I was seen within an hour sent to xrays and then discharged, seen at 8 15pm and gone home by 9.30 pm Well done ED.

Have been rallying around trying to save the favourite show the nutters club on radio live on a sunday night every wk. Radio live wants to make it monthly and sorry that is just not an option for us nutters who need the show and what it contains. So have set up a facebook page keep the nutters club show on radio live every week. If you can please get on and support this page it would mean a lot.

Just heard from Mike King. He says doing all can to keep show going, including looking at other radio stations, but wants to keep good relationship with radiolive so have to be careful how we approach tis. Fair enough really, he know I am stubborn as. Probably too stubborn for my own good. Anyway we were talking about the events of the 25 October when I am joining him on stage at the town hall to tackle the issue of suicide in the wairarapa. He wants me to share my personal experiences and the thorts that penetrate my mind every waking moment. There are plans in the pipeline but too early to share, so will be quiet for now.

Well today is Wednesday. The middle of the week. I am on bed rest again cos of this stupid foot. Anytime I walk on it it is so flippin sore that it is better to stay off it. so yes being waited on hand and foot literally and watching tv, movies, reading and sleeping, fun aye - NOT. Getting tired of it.

Not much to say as my brain aint working too well today. I dont know why I cant get my own death off my mind, it puzzles me, even whilst talking to Mike I liked the sound of what he was saying but there was a voice saying you wont be around girl to help others cos you will be in the ground. I thought seriously about attempting suicide again last night, didnt do it, but the means was there and the will was there. One of my friends thinks it may be habit and I have taught myself that the best way to get out of my problems is to leave this world. I dont know. I know I dont glamarise suicide like other youths seem to do. I simply see it as the end of everything and peace. Thats why its so attractive to me I think, cos my life has been so messed up, like my friend said you dont know happiness girl so you think the rest of your life is going to be what its been like up till now. My friend tried to make me appreciate that, this was not the case, still didnt sink in. I dont know what to do with myself to be honest, I am fed up of this way of thinking. My friend said you have emotions but its up to you how you feel those emotions. Whatever that tends to mean. It would be sad though if Mike set up this project and I could make a difference to other teens lives but I wasnt around to do so. I keep telling myself i am no good in a box! At the moment too I have a grandad with lukemia and I could not justify leaving this world before he does! not like I would be around to see the consequences but you know what I mean. My grandfather is 84 I am 29. What if life can get better and I am just not giving myself a chance to feel it, to let it get better. What if I have condemmed myself in my mind to be unhappy for all days that I really cant feel joy or happiness. I dont know but it is food for thought. You are what you tell yourself. I know I never have truly been happy. I have felt rejection and pain, and maybe that rejection and pain is making me act out and hurt myself through self harm and suicide. I know its not an attention seeking thing, it is out of pure desperation and hurt that I take that course. Everytime willing it to succeed.

My friend told me about his friend a 33 year old mother and wife who had 2 children in kindy, that took her life a few weeks back. He still does not understand what happened to make her do so, she seemed happy on the outside but inside obviously there was alot of self hatred, etc. she could not make peace with herself. I was thinking over this story and wondering why a beautiful woman who had travelled had settled down with a hubby and 2 kids could do such a thing. I thought I was empty this woman seemed to have it all yet it was not enough. Something was missing. She didnt love herslf. They say you have to love and accept yourself before you can let another in. Maybe she missed this cruicial step. What has she achieved by her actions, ok well my mind tells me she has succeeded cos she committed suicide and it worked! but underneath that part who has she left 2 children that cant understand where and why their mom has gone and a husband who is grieving. I dont believe that suicide is selfish because it is a last resort option for many, but in this case I do believe it is selfish because those children are going to bear the scars of what their mum has done for their whole lives, and they will probably have a mental illness because of it. Some even use it as an excuse to copy actions later in life. Well mum did it so I can too. I can be with her!

I wonder if this person has finally found the peace that she had been searching for so hard. My friend tells me she doesnt find peace she is just dead. But this does not make any difference to the way my mind percieves the situation. To want to be where she is more than words and not being able to get there now that is painful. Still I wonder why, why do I want to give up?. Why do I want to give up this gift of life at any price?.What price is too high? how far will you go to finally be at peace within your soul?

My friend wants me to listen to motivational cds such as Tony Robbins so he is giving me a copy. He is hoping some postive inforcement will weed out the negative thoughts. I forgot to tell him already been there tried that. I read affirmations I read positive self help books, but constantly my thoughts stay pressed on this subject.

Oh well back to bed

Tash.

idiot health system

I am living in an old rundown hotel that my parents and I are converting into a residence upstairs. Unfortunely though during this there are some disadvantages one of these is that we hv not alot of lighting, so tend to use torches at night to head down the stairs to the loo. Well last night I forgot to take my torch with me, I had done this before without any hiccups, and the dog went ahead of me down the stairs, I was more concerned about where he was and what he was doing that I forgot to count how many stairs, and hold onto the railing, the consequence of this is that I missed the last 4 steps of the stairs, and did a 45 degree turn and landed on my back, with my right leg hitting the ground with a thump, I was in agony. I called out to my family and they came to my aid, and put me in the recovery position and provided a cushion. I tried to sit up but was nausious as, and in absolutely awful pain. my parents put a cold pack on my right foot, and left me there for a bit and then tried to get me up the stairs. When I finally got into bed, at least I had Mike to listen to for comfort on the nutters club show on radio live.

Woke up this morning, my foot had swollen up dramatically so been off it all day resting. Will see what it is like tomorrow and whether I need to go to the hospital or doctors surgery. Has been a rather boring day and add to that my mood wasnt great in the first place. Add to that I have had to pee in a bucket cos I cant go down the stairs, I know how humiliating, only on this blog will you hear that.

The health system are still not getting the fact that I need to have help eg be in respite, but I have had enough of them all I say if I disappear it is on them and they can be sorry. I dont want to keep fighting them all. They are all idiots!  They pass the buck from one department and one individual to the next, like you are somebody else's problem. Makes you feel good as the consumer doesnt it. Really brings up your self esteem and mood. People dont ask for respite, or their families dont for that matter unless it is actually needed!
I am fed up with the lot of them. I believe this is one of the reasons why there are so many suicides because departments cant get their act together and send vunerable individuals home instead of getting them the help that they need. They just send them home to kill themselves. So many more opportunities to do so in your own home.
Oh well if you have an opinion on this I would be interested to hear it!

You do not want to hear what is on my mind bloggers, so I am not going to tell you, all I will say as I have friends who are trying to stop me from following through on what I would love to do. I had a dream last night that I was in a coffin, I was in there, and I felt peaceful and free. Who dreams of being in a coffin,. who sees something on tv an overdose or some sort of suicide attempt and thinks now thats a good way to do it, I tell you who thinks this crap. Me. I am fed up of wanting to die and NOT, and it pisses me off.

Let me just say when I go if I go it will be without warning. I will not tell anyone of my plans and my intentions. It will just happen. BOOM shes gone!

and please do not blame yourselves k, cos I have fought as long as I could. Suicide is a complicated process and if you do not know all the reasons behind it then do not judge. You do not know what hell that individual has been carrying with them or living. Suicide is the end of the road. But it is also peace forever.

and yes thats all I have to say


Tash

trying to hold onto hope.

Ok this is my first post for October. You have probably wondered where I have been. Well I have not been at all well enough to post on this blog and have been just been trying to stay alive on this planet, once again for the ones in my life, family, friends, fellow bloggers, who would notice if I went away for good.
I really wish that I was dead now, as it seems alot harder to suffer through the aches and the hurt that I feel deep inside, theres this pain that does not seem to be shifting. I have slept and spent time resting etc. Its only been due to friends keeping an eye on me and keeping tabs throughout the day that I happen to still be breathing.

Do I wish they would go away and let me complete the action Hell Yes. I would love to be at peace finally and not suffering with the crap that goes round and round in my brain. Everyone tells me its going to get better, dont give up, but do they really know how difficult life can be for you, every single day. I suffer a mental illness that does not give me a break. Unless I take a break myself.

My medication is not working to the extent it should be. If it was working I would not be thinking of suicide and continually coming up with ways to leave. I have been told I will probably have another few weeks before the medication does start to work. In the meantime I want to visit the cemetry and the funeral home more times a day than I can count. But as I was told by a fellow Nutter what good does that do? So I am trying to avoid those places which is difficult.

A friend of mine went to the seminar in Auckland that John Kirwin was giving on depression and he managed to get john kirwin to write something on some paper and sign it for me. I feel privellged that John Kirwin took time out to do that, and have found a nice frame to put the autograph in. It says wellness in every day, enjoy the simple things, john kirwin.

Mental health services are not helping to the extent they should be I have not heard from pathways regarding respite care, that they were meant to be looking into for me for the weekend. So not impressed at all. Dont feel like they really give a damn. I could be wrong and they are just busy but they need to realise that when people need those support services they should be available. I should be in hospital right now the way I feel. But instead i am home, being a burden on my parents who are tired by the way. If my parents are concerned about anything the police get called and that is a tragedy in itself as they do not know how to handle cases such as myself with borderline personality disorder. Suicidal attempts etc. are just selfish to particular cops,.thats where I feel they would benefit from learning more about mental illness. Went to see my doctor yesterday and he completely rebuffed a comment I made about Mike Kings visit to the wairarapa to talk about suicide at the town hall,. He said he wasnt going to go. I said to him it would be good to go and get educated about what goes on in the heads of those who commit suicide or even attempt to do so.  In my view how can you treat these ones if you dont give a sh.. t about their health conditions in the first place. I think these ones need to have more of an understanding and to do that they need to learn about mental health and illnesses and how they affect certain ones. I wonder why there are not courses provided for these ones to learn about this and other conditions.

anyway gonna go now, slept all day and hoping to sleep tonight as well. No energy what so ever.

Tasha