Another Post. Another Month, Another Year and we r February

Here I am again. Sorry to all my followers of both my facebook page and my blog. Its been hard to come on here and write. Guess I havent really had it  in me. You think you recover from Borderline personality disorder and then something happens and you go backwards. Its a very frustrating illness. I am under a lot of stress right now. My grandfather has no white blood cells left. So its looking pretty glum for him, he is at risk now of picking up any sorts of infections, illnesses and no defenses against em. He has lukemia by the way for those of you who didnt know.

I have also had a Boyfriend recently but have had issues in that respect as well. A man that encourages you to do things that you dont feel comfortable with doing is no loving relationship instead its abusive. I told him where to go. He came back to me and now hes saying that his residency is not looking like its going to go through and he wants to move in with me have an arrangement give me money in return for residency papers. Hell No. I havent even met u in person and all of a sudden you want me to do this for you. Its ridiculas and I am finally realising that this relationship is one sided and just to make him feel good. I am not wanting to continue investing time in a man who does that its selfish and immature.

I have been extremely down and suicidal. I went for a job but missed out on it due to my past mental health issues. Bpd's cant ever escape their past and it sux. I have been put on the invalids benefit. Yes Work and Income finally see this as a disorder a disablity that you cant get out of, and disabling to everyday functioning. I guess when I went for this benefit though it started to sink in, the reality of my situation and that I am different from the general population who is working and earning their income. I dont think I am ever going to be well enough for fulltime work, I might be but I would be very surprised. Even still I am looking at studying parttime and trying to improve my prospects if I want a job in the future, I will also continue with my volunteer position at Supporting families Wairarapa.

I am looking at moving into a house with a friend of mine, so thats kinda good, just waiting for the owner of the house to go through references and get back to us as to whether we have been successful. Its close to town so can walk up the shops, and wont have to use the car as much. So will hopefully save on petrol. So thats good.

We have had very warm days here, its good in a way for your mood but it gets tiring having to change cos you stink so bad from sweat. Sometimes I can go through two outfits in a day. I have had to do a hell of a lot of washing.

Dads just bought a pool table. Hes rapped so will see how much he plays pool when it arrives.

anyway gonna go feeling yuck today have had nasty virus for the last few days. I am glad its nothing more serious but my body needs to rest and recooperate.

Talk Later


Tasha

Update Tasha is Doing Good!

Hi guys.

Tasha here, have been away for quite some time so I apologise for this, I guess whilst I was so unwell I wasnt in a state to contribute to this page. You will be pleased to hear that things have turned around for me because I am now on the right medication and getting the right therapy from a grief counsellor. She is wonderful I would not be in this place without her support and many others.

I am back to concentrating on my art work, and I will post some of my work in due time. I am also drawing my own pictures and painting now, so evolving as an artist. I have been applying for positions locally, work that is close to home, primarily my interests lie in working in the mental health sector, so I am making steps to study Mental Health this year and also do a certificate in trauma. Because I feel that the professionals out in the mental health sector do not know enough abou t trauma itself, and how to really relate and treat their clients. How can you fully understand unless you have been down that road yourself.

I feel that I am in a privellged position to share what I have learnt through my own recovery and journey to help others through theirs. Because even though alot of what I have gone through has been extremely painful at times, and I would not wish upon anyone, I know without this journey I would not be as strong as I am now. The resillence that I have learnt is what I treasure. I know no matter what happens to me in life if I can overcome such a struggle as I have then I can get through anything that life throws my way.

I am also looking at writing my own book regarding my own story. I want it to be positive and inspirational, not a sympathy tale. Shouldnt we celebrate our strengths and our amazing strength to get over the unbelievably awful experiences that life presents. I guess going through the sucky times also makes you appreciate the good times when they come your way.

Its starts off just as John Kirwin says you drink your coffee and think that was nice.. or you look out on a summers day and think thankgoodness its not raining. But later on you see more than the little things in life. Especially once the fog clears that clouds your judgement and your lifes focus.

One thing thats helped me in the end is that I decided to volunteer at Supporting Families an organisation that deals with the mentally ill and those who need support. I volunteer one day a wk but I find because I started to do this and look outside of myself, to help others that my problems didnt seem so major compared to others issues. Helps you to get your thinking into perspective. It also gives you a reason to wake up and get dressed and go out.

I am a firm believer in forcing yourself out of the hole. Its not easy. It takes an intense struggle at times to do but if you can see yourself as more than an illness and not label yourself or put yourself in a limiting box then you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. My therapist calls my past thinking as stinky thinking - the negative thoughts that rob you of joy and she said to me when I first came to her that I needed to rewrite the tape that was playing. I think I have improved in this respect I feed my mind on positive literature tho, and affirmations to try and keep me appreciating life and not taking it for granted. Also my grandfather is sick with Lukemia so I see life in a different perspective I think cos he is struggling to hold onto his with all his might. Why shouldnt I embrace mine?

I dont know what else to say I know that it is always a battle to try and keep myself in a healthy way mentally. But I have recently got the privellge back of giving myself my own medications everynight and I do not want to lose this chance to right my life and have something more than what I have had in the past. I have a future and I am looking at studies and a life. Why cant I have everything I want. There is no reason why not as long as I keep myself in a healthy state, and appreciate all the blessings I have around me.

Have a good night Bloggers.


I will try to be more regular with my posts  - apologies again!

Tash