Relapse. could be triggering !!!!!

I have relapsed guys thats why I havent been on here posting blogs. My apologies to my followers and those who are reading this. I have to say though if you are truly interested in what I have to say please follow this blog because it would make my day to see more followers.

As I said before I have relapsed. I am very suicidal at the moment. I have had a few attempts. The Borderline personality disorder seems to be getting the best of me, its like I have two brains, and the bpd is taking over at the moment. Just continual images, of skyscrapers etc. Leading me to eventually giving in. I am not proud of this by any means. But when you keep seeing the same thing over and over and dreaming about it even in a psychotic sense, visualizing everything and seeing yourself jump from a building, then it becomes literally an obsession to do it. Well I tried guys but there were latches on the window of the 6 storey building. Otherwise I would not be here telling this to you.

I do hope this is not too distressing to hear because it is nothing personal to any body. Its just I havent got a handle on the Bpd and it seems to be ruling. The eventual outcome of that experience was that the police caught up with me and were concerned wanting me to see the Catt Team Crisis team. They gave me a phone call but nothing else was done. You tell me if that is sensible. Leaving someone who obviously is in distress that they cannot control alone, in their surroundings. Yeah smart one DHB.

Anyway ended up attempting yesterday as well through another method. That was thorted in the end because there was a knock at the door and it was dad arriving home. Some how though I ended up saying goodbye to friends on facebook and leaving a suicide note for my folks. The police was called by friends of mine and my dad was informed. From there ended up mum being informed and so on. So yes not fun.

Still in a bad place. I am taking all my meds so thats not the issue, and I have been having counselling etc. But in a place that I cant seem to move my mind from. Its like a psychotic obsession. Except this psychotic obsession has got it in for me with plans rather than just emotions or feelings or thoughts that I can wipe out.

The other day my Bpd told me to go for a walk at 10.30pm at night. It pestered me so much that I ended up doing so. Now anyone else or myself in my right mind would say that is not a brilliant idea to do that because you could get raped, hurt, you are vunerable as a woman out at night on a empty street. But my BPD mind didnt care about the consequences and I had to shut it up because it was driving me crazy having the same plan going round and round and round in my head.

Anyway today is a new day but I am still incredibly suicidal. In fact too vunerable that I dont want to leave the house I dont know if thats a curse or a blessing. But driving a car is not a safe option right now and neither is walking up the road.

anyway bloggers thats me for now

just wanted to let you know why you havent seen me on here.


cheers


Tash

War against bpd.

I hv been really dwn tis wk. couldnt even go to supermarket easily today the idea of facing ppl nightmare when you hate yrslf.tonight I drew away frm facebook in order to create space so I could disappear for good. not bullshitting anyone when u live with borderline personality disorder the struggle is just sometimes too hard. It plainly sux up down round the bend and back again.im strong but christ. Not to mention not being able to control impulses sux mine has been catalogue shopping of late
Not good. Especially when u r on a benefit try telling bpd mind that...oh my.....oh well pressure too frm folks get a j o b . Easy to say not to do especially keeping the job when u hv bpd.
Anyway cant promise I will stick around bloggers.
Mike king was bak on nutters club radiolive for monthly dose. Carole was guest on maori tv nutters club. She lost her son to suicide. That was sad.
Saw family on skype tonight felt so disconnected. Werid. I feel not much for them now after was excommunicated frm church and family and friends. After yr disconnected how do u build relatnships that shattered do u even want to.? Big question marks....can u truly fix a shattered self.
is it worth it?

Tash