beaten down not defeated yet.

My mind has been racing. Woke up 4am this morning with thourts that just would not shut up, impulsive thoughts crazy ideas etc. My solution to this was to get out of bed and go and make a hot cup of milo. I just wanted to chuck stuff around the place. The angry feelings were to the point i could of seriously done some damage in different circumstances.

Your dreams are an interesting and varied place to visit. I guess they are fairly safe cos if it happens in the dream it can seem really lifelike without actually posing any danger or hurting anyone close to you. Its when your dreams become so real that you really feel that you are carrying out that activity, just makes you want to do it more sometimes when you wake up and find you are still around you are disappointed in this fact to the point where you just want to show yourself you can actually complete what you say you will or what you have no reservations in completing in your dream. Why is that. I dont get why its such a big deal to make what happens in the dream a reality.

I thought getting these thoughts on paper yesterday through using charcoal and pastels that I had got all the frustration out of my system, but to have a night like I did last night tells me that I am far from over feeling the frustration and the anger and the annoyance of living this way. I get so fed up with being me. I did some more crazy things yesterday that I dont quite understand including bidding on another wardrobe on trade me cos I couldnt let it go the emotional attachment was too much, even though I had bought a cheaper one the day before. Now i have two wardrobes, my solution to this is to wait for them both to arrive and make up my mind, one I can very easily turn into a storage cupboard. I was trying to explain the way my brain works to my dad the other day, they are starting to understand but they just say hang in there, you will get through it. They dont get what it is like living like this day by day. Seriously if I knew this would be my reality in life I would of chosen not to be born on this earth but hey just saying the choice wasnt up to me and it sux.

I am listening to my playlist for when I am depressed. It makes me feel like there is someone there holding my hand, and telling me to continue. Even though I know it is only music. The words are impressioning on my mind. I also know that you nutters are all depending on me getting through this hell, and I dont want to disappoint you. Saying that though remember i have done my best whatever the outcome may be.

One of the verses in the song I am listening to says would someone come and carry me home tonight/  thats how I am feeling - vunerable and small. Like a child scared of puberty. Even though I know this is really different to that situation.

I recieved a lovely heartfelt card from my Aunty in Australia it pretty much says this is just a few lines to let you know that we love you, you are very special and have a special place in our family. Our family would have a sad and empty space in it if you were not here so please honey dont keep trying to harm yourself.  She says that she knows I am clever enough to beat my diagnosis that I need to punch it right back and not let it beat me down. Its a lovely card. Hard for her to get what it is like daily for a sufferer though it is easy to look in and say be strong but to live it daily is a different story. Lovely words though. It is nice to know I am loved.

I am very tired today due to my escapades in the night. Take care nutters and I will get back to you later.
The one thing I have achieved today is doing the dishes downstairs and getting myself some lunch.

Yay


talk later


Tasha.