Concrete Angel

Ok I have some thoughts to share I need to let go of some of my pain some of my drama. Sometimes your life becomes Me Me Me. The truth is thats the way my disorder makes me feel on a regular basis. It shouldnt be like that though. I have a friend a really good mate who is moving away and it is breaking my heart. She has a young 2 year old son who I have had alot to do with. Its hurting me. People seem to leave me alot, that has happened quite a few times during my life up to now. I know it is a fact of life that people move, change, mature, but it always hits me hard. Well its hitting me hard now, so what to do about it. I just feel like I am always left on my own like the only one I can depend on is me. I have lost friends and family before for quite some time. I am not ready to talk about the situation for this. I never quite recovered if you know what i mean, I lost them and had to stand on my own two feet even though it broke me into pieces. To go from being around the familiar to having the familiar surroundings you are used to whisked away, its confusing. I had to find another identity another part of myself that I did not know was there to get through it all. That was my strength. You do not realise how strong you are until you have to show it, strength is the only thing that keeps you going when times are tough and you think life is never going to get better.

I did not know how strong I was, and I still do not know the strength I am capable of. I am not alone we all have that strength if we look inside ourselves. I went through having abusive inlaws, and a failed marriage that left me alone again, without any self esteem but I picked myself up I dusted myself off and 2 years later I am doing ok on my own. Its not impossible and despite what people say you do not need a man to make or keep you happy. I get alot of strength from doing simple things like driving around in my own car which I paid for, filling my car with petrol, taking care of it. keeping my independence, my flexiblity as to how my money will be spent. All of these things are a testiment to what its like to be independent and strong. I had a husband who ripped me off who took money each week and made me think we were poor, and didnt have enough to splurge. Far from the truth but I found that out too late. Anyway I promised myself that i would always be aware of what the financial situation is around me. That i would keep my power and not let a man take that from me.

I have been attending a group which is a stopping violence support group to try and deal with some of this stuff, painful experiences that have happened. I have let men rule me for far too long, and have been used and abused. I have had boyfriends who have got what they wanted at a price. The price was my self esteem. You think you are going to lose someone if you dont give them what they want at the time, far from it. Its the way a man keeps power over you and uses that to his advantage. Women do not need to give in to every urge or request of a man. We are not controlled by Men we are free agents who decide what we will accept and who will treat us a certain way. I have learnt to not let men treat me with less than what I deserve. But this has taken some time. From a young age a man took advantage of a friendship with my family and the church and took advantage of me. I have always seen myself as undeserving of love and as an object. It has taken many years and many bad experiences and now this stopping violence support group for women to prove to me that I deserve far more than I have received in the past from men, from people for that matter. Nobody should be made to feel inferior or not valuable in a humans eyes. People rolling their eyes at you, this is not ok. Nobody should be made to feel like dirt. Yet when I consider it it happens very commonly in relationships and communities. I hope women take heed and realise they do not need to put up with the treatment that they recieve and they are worth more than that. If a man does not treat you the way you deserve get out of that relationship and find someone who will treat you like a queen! how you deserve to be treated.

Also think of the children dont let children be wittnesses of abuse, or violence, they will remember this in years to come, and are likely to have emotional problems and bad relationships.

I dont have alot to say about how i have got through these times that I have spoken of apart from pure endurance and just having to get through. You think you are weak but you are powerful when you have the chance to show it. It has been a hard road. I have gone through alot including growing up in a religious family and then being excommunicated at 23 years of age. I had a very unwell mother who was frequently attempting sucide as I was growing up.  I hv been abused, verbal, emotionally, psychologically by family members but also my husband and his mother and father. enduring this and a short marriage of only a year and a half. I have been taken advantage of by a number of men including a middle aged member of my church at the time who was a family friend. I studied for a degree in childcare but was very unwell and had to give up this dream for a while as I was unsafe around children. I have had many attempts at ending my life and ended up in hospital psych wards and admissions to hospital. I was not let back into the church for 6 years and this meant not seeing my family and all my friends for many years its hard because I still dont have much of a relationship with some of them but I try. Adding to this I suffer with Borderline Personality disorder and Bipolar Disorder.
I do not want to keep looking back at my past but to let it lay dorment is a scary prospect as well I am angry because my impulsive personality due to Borderline personality disorder and bipolar affected me I believe right back when I was excommunicated from the church. I did not know i had this disorder at the time tho and there was no sympathy. I know now that I was very unwell and I do not know if how I was treated was entirely fair. But I cant live in the past, and I have to let things go otherwise they are going to continue to eat me up with resentment and hurt. I do not know how to let this go though any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. There are no words to the pain I feel on a continual basis due to the decisions and things that have happened in my life.

So how to you move on. I guess a start is by blogging all this on this site so that once again it is out of my head and onto paper. I have to say that I need to think that I can get through in order to make it happen. I choose to forgive and forget the past and to let go of these events and things once and for all. Yes they happened I accept that, it was not fair, but it is not right to hold grudges, and it does not help me in the present to carry this round on my back as a burden. It is time to accept that I was a person that was not aware I was naive at times, and I was sick and I was not aware of this fact at the time. The church only did what they thought was right at the time. I have to stop blaming them and myself. My friends and family do love me, they do accept me now and that is the main thing. It does not matter that for those 6 years I was nothing to them because I was in their hearts and their minds. I have to leave my ex behind and realise that he had the problem, his family his parents had issues, and they could not let go of their son so how could they embrace their daughter in law. I deserve better treatment. I will get better treatment. I will not accept anything less than I deserve as i am a beautiful confident lovely girl who deserves to be loved and to have all her dreams come true.

I accept my illnesses and I am not going to fight them any longer. I am just going to try and keep going moving forward and to recovery where I can have the things I deserve a family a future a good quality life. I refuse to be defined by my illness. I am more than that I am a person with feelings and a heart. I am not going to fight living. I am going to embrace it. I am not scared to succeed to live to have a wonderful life. I refuse to dwell on what i dont have instead I embrace what is right infront of me the people and the comforts of home, my pets, my parents, my friends, and myself.

Suicide can never be an option no matter how hard the day may be. I deserve more in life than that, I dont want to put people and family through that pain. I am better than that. I can succeed I can do well in life.

I refuse to give up on myself but to see the possiblities that hey I can make it. I will make it. I will fight everything and anything and I will get through......

Goodbye to the people that have hurt me. have let me down, have made me feel inferior, I am strong and I have got through those hard times and I will get through everything else that is thrown my way,
I am a concrete Angel. Who is unmovable, unrestricted by all my issues, there are no boundaries there are no limits to what i can accomplish....

and I will succeed.


Signing off

Tasha