trying to hold onto hope.

Ok this is my first post for October. You have probably wondered where I have been. Well I have not been at all well enough to post on this blog and have been just been trying to stay alive on this planet, once again for the ones in my life, family, friends, fellow bloggers, who would notice if I went away for good.
I really wish that I was dead now, as it seems alot harder to suffer through the aches and the hurt that I feel deep inside, theres this pain that does not seem to be shifting. I have slept and spent time resting etc. Its only been due to friends keeping an eye on me and keeping tabs throughout the day that I happen to still be breathing.

Do I wish they would go away and let me complete the action Hell Yes. I would love to be at peace finally and not suffering with the crap that goes round and round in my brain. Everyone tells me its going to get better, dont give up, but do they really know how difficult life can be for you, every single day. I suffer a mental illness that does not give me a break. Unless I take a break myself.

My medication is not working to the extent it should be. If it was working I would not be thinking of suicide and continually coming up with ways to leave. I have been told I will probably have another few weeks before the medication does start to work. In the meantime I want to visit the cemetry and the funeral home more times a day than I can count. But as I was told by a fellow Nutter what good does that do? So I am trying to avoid those places which is difficult.

A friend of mine went to the seminar in Auckland that John Kirwin was giving on depression and he managed to get john kirwin to write something on some paper and sign it for me. I feel privellged that John Kirwin took time out to do that, and have found a nice frame to put the autograph in. It says wellness in every day, enjoy the simple things, john kirwin.

Mental health services are not helping to the extent they should be I have not heard from pathways regarding respite care, that they were meant to be looking into for me for the weekend. So not impressed at all. Dont feel like they really give a damn. I could be wrong and they are just busy but they need to realise that when people need those support services they should be available. I should be in hospital right now the way I feel. But instead i am home, being a burden on my parents who are tired by the way. If my parents are concerned about anything the police get called and that is a tragedy in itself as they do not know how to handle cases such as myself with borderline personality disorder. Suicidal attempts etc. are just selfish to particular cops,.thats where I feel they would benefit from learning more about mental illness. Went to see my doctor yesterday and he completely rebuffed a comment I made about Mike Kings visit to the wairarapa to talk about suicide at the town hall,. He said he wasnt going to go. I said to him it would be good to go and get educated about what goes on in the heads of those who commit suicide or even attempt to do so.  In my view how can you treat these ones if you dont give a sh.. t about their health conditions in the first place. I think these ones need to have more of an understanding and to do that they need to learn about mental health and illnesses and how they affect certain ones. I wonder why there are not courses provided for these ones to learn about this and other conditions.

anyway gonna go now, slept all day and hoping to sleep tonight as well. No energy what so ever.

Tasha