intense feelings

Today I am ashamed to tell you in my blog that I attempted suicide. It was something I could not help at the time. I was straight in there and wanted my life over. Luckily for my parents I stopped myself before I went unconscious. But I was serious when I started the attempt and it took all my efforts to stop myself. I dont know why I stopped myself I think I thought that my dad did not deserve to come home from a day at work to find me dead in my bed. Oh well its out there. Havent told anyone much about this but too late cos its on my blog so everyones going to read it. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog is that I was going to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, thats the only way thats why what I write on here has to be real.

Havent had terribly many thoughts about things today. Even though there is alot going on including my grandfather having luekemia. My mother is in Melbourne visiting him and my grandma. We do not know how long he has to live. I am sad cos I have lost one grandad already this year to cancer, and a close family friend and I have another grandma with suspected bowel cancer so that is just great. But I am trying to deal with my pain. Saying that though I am not dealing with it in the best way. I have been having these intense feelings and feeling as though I want to self harm or commit suicide. Its horrible when you are telling yourself you cant do something and more than anything you want to, because you know you will feel better. I am starting counselling on the 6 November though, and seeing my mental health therapist tomorrow so hopefully she can help me work out some different strategies for getting this pain out.

I feel at the moment all I want to do is sleep, everything is just too much.