Frustration but just keep going

Its not easy dealing with a mind that you dont understand. One moment for something then the next running away frm it. Borderline personality disorder is so draining. No one can understand unless they live with this condition. I dont want to be negative in this blog but the truth is I dont know how long I can keep surviving when the pain of this keeps eating away at me. I try to stay positive but forever am disappointed especially since my mind cannot stick to sumthg instead it goes back and forth like a yoyo.

My sunday afternoon closure

Hi hv spent afternoon sorting out my boxes downstairs. I havent been ready up till now to face up to their contents as there are memories and glimpses of the past but I am going through my stuff now with a positive outlook and a feeling of closure. I know my past has not been ideal but im going ahead and creating the life I want for myself presently and future. I was surprised to see many items including jewellery pieces I thought were stolen. Pleasant surprise to see them again. Even such reminders of my ex husband didbt get me down ans thats good when you can look at an item and not have a feeling. Just you say thats the past. Hes my past and I wonder who will be my future. I cant believe how clear my vision is. I even picked up pamphlets on depression and umm do I keep them? A sign that I dont want to go backwards only forwards.its amazing what the right meds can do that and therapy and support. But you also need to be ready to turn a corner in yr life. I read my posts frm wks ago and wonder who that depressed creature is as life seems optimistic and full of possibilities right now. Thats good when u can laugh and joke and mean it.even with grandad being the way he is I am not allowing myself to fall into deep depression. Always try and see the light.

I hv boxes galore to go thru. Niw in my room. But its ok cos nz got talent on tonight. So will hv sumfg to watch.

I miss my laptop but been listening to good ol cds on stereo.yay. And dancing around mi room.....

All blacks playg italy just turned on tv...love watchn men in black..go abs.

Not much to say but jipper japper so will let u folk go take care.

Tash.

intense feelings

Today I am ashamed to tell you in my blog that I attempted suicide. It was something I could not help at the time. I was straight in there and wanted my life over. Luckily for my parents I stopped myself before I went unconscious. But I was serious when I started the attempt and it took all my efforts to stop myself. I dont know why I stopped myself I think I thought that my dad did not deserve to come home from a day at work to find me dead in my bed. Oh well its out there. Havent told anyone much about this but too late cos its on my blog so everyones going to read it. I made a promise to myself when I started this blog is that I was going to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, thats the only way thats why what I write on here has to be real.

Havent had terribly many thoughts about things today. Even though there is alot going on including my grandfather having luekemia. My mother is in Melbourne visiting him and my grandma. We do not know how long he has to live. I am sad cos I have lost one grandad already this year to cancer, and a close family friend and I have another grandma with suspected bowel cancer so that is just great. But I am trying to deal with my pain. Saying that though I am not dealing with it in the best way. I have been having these intense feelings and feeling as though I want to self harm or commit suicide. Its horrible when you are telling yourself you cant do something and more than anything you want to, because you know you will feel better. I am starting counselling on the 6 November though, and seeing my mental health therapist tomorrow so hopefully she can help me work out some different strategies for getting this pain out.

I feel at the moment all I want to do is sleep, everything is just too much.

child abuse and sexual predators

Hi everyone. I have a decision to make whether I am going to australia or not to see my grandfather and be with him whilst he is coping with treatments, due to having cancer. I want to go but I need to be sure that I am strong enough to handle what I may come upon. It will not be easy to watch him in a distressed state during chemo. Even still he is my grandfather so I would like to see him whilst i have the chance to still do so. My mother is over there at the moment with her siblings, and my grandma is present. Dad will likely have to stay in NZ as he needs to pay the bills etc and run a business.  Waiting to hear what my other cousins have decided to do whether they are going or not.
In the meantime getting sorted with the pasport and things so that I can go when I am ready.

Another distressing report of child abuse. Also a sexual predator being on the run, what is wrong with the world. He was on home detention, who lets a sexual predator on home detention when they are such a risk to the public. These cops and officers, judges really need their heads examined to even put such a dangerous person in a place where they can escape. Why wasnt he kept behind bars.

 What is wrong with people. I heard of a case of a baby being run over on a driveway. Why are children aloud to play on the driveway in the begining its a dangerous place, and should be treated like the road. How can parents ever get over running over their child. Its so awful.

What can we do to stop child abuse in this country? We need to look out for our neighbours and look for ones who need help and help them. Children become parents too easily these days and then lose it because they do not know how to cope with a little one. Why arent there more parenting classes? education for these ones.

I dont know I just know something needs to be done.


Any ideas.???????


Seeya Tash

Hi guys, today didnt have alot of strength to get up, but I did all the same so that was an achievement considering I have just been getting over a virus, etc. I went out got petrol and went to supporting families had a cuppa there with the lovely friendly staff and volunteers. I have joined the ranks by being a volunteer on a Wednesday afternoon its a way forward for me some stability in life a life that I seem to have lost control over.

I went and saw my mental health worker today she mentioned to me that I need to view myself as powerful and need to take charge of the situation when go into and officially started counselling with a grief counsellor in the hopes of dealing with my issues and moving on. Everyone knows I have potential I just dont realise it myself, and its rough having to go through my past but it needs to disappear and let me move on with the present and future.  She said I need to take the tape out that keeps playing in my head and get rid of the stinky thoughts replacing them with a positive tape of reinforcement of all the positive things I do and do, instead. I see her again next wednesday, but in the process need to do some work on myself, like she said counselling can only work if there is committment from the individual involved.

seeya

Tash

Strategies for wellness

Today I was able to attend church, like i said I would. I went with an open mind and a determination to put the past behind me and see the present and the future for what it brings my way. So I did that and felt quite happy with myself with my achievement as it took alot of guts just to walk into the hall. But I was rewarded cos what I heard encouraged me further and gave me some support during this hard time of crisis with having a sick grandfather etc.

The weather today is absolute rubbish, raining. So will use the time wisely to do something practical in the way of cleaning up the house. I have chosen to sort out my footwear. Finally put them away in my room and not just have them in a box downstairs from my last move.

I have been using strategies lately to keep myself well. Such as getting more involved in the cleaning of the house, and cooking meals, experimenting with recipes and ingredients. Doing this makes me realise how much I miss not being a housewife. A little wife, having my own kitchen, to myself. Aww how i long for the day when I am in charge of a household. At the moment I will just have to make do with the make shift kitchen I have at present at my parents.

I went for a long walk with my dog and realised when my feet hit the pavement that it was grounding me in a positive way, and improving my mood, as I had a purpose. My dog needed a walk, and so did I personally. As I walked through the town I saw families and couples in the many restaurants and cafes and realised how important it is to remember to embrace moments in life because you never know when its going to be your last. Once a moment is gone you cannot get it back all you have is a memory, thats why photos are so important so you can look back on precious times.

I guess i have really started to examine life and its purpose since finding out about my sick grandfather. He is at a ripe old age of 76 and I am only 29 there is so much life left to live. I guess I dont want to take it for granted. At least my grandfather is sitting around at 76 saying to himself I have no regrets, Ive had a lovely life with my wife, and I have had some wonderful kids, and I have some grandchildren and even one great grandchild. He feels fullfilled. He knew one day he was going to leave this earth so hes made the most of the time he had here to do good. He also has a faith that has kept him strong, given him something to be sure of.  Likewise I need to do the same reach out for what I can achieve now that my medication is working properly. I need to reach out for a career that is in my grasp, and start to let people back in my life so that I have friends. That means opening myself up which is a scary prospect but if you dont open yourself up to people you dont meet individuals who can make life enjoyable, yes there may be heartbreak, but I have survived more than that. Its time to open up to possiblities of life. Find a life that I to can be proud of living just like my grandfather is proud of the life he has lived. Well spent and purposeful...

Just some ideas that have been rolling around in my mind.

I want to make a difference, I hope I can do that. Tell people there is more than mental illness out there and if you can get to the other side then dont allow yourself to go backwards. As long as you are taking one step forward every day and not giving up on yourself. Then its okay to fall. Just get back up and try again. That its okay to ask for help if you cant handle your life. That counselling is a must to get you on the right track especially if you have gone through some heavy heavy stuff, trauma that you just cant let go.

I would tell people put your mind on positive thinking, read positive books that have affirmations and ways through inner hurt. I would tell people find a group of people that accept you for you, and who you can be yourself with no matter what insecurities or baggage you are carrying. People who can just steer you in the right direction when you are lacking a compass. For myself that has been the nutters club nz on facebook and other such organisations on facebook. Real life savers. Hearing others experiences with mental illness and knowing where they are now you can pick up skills that help you fight through. Believe me its a fight. But sooner or later your either going to give up the fight altogether or you are going to struggle and push and prodd until you get what you are after someone to listen, therapy that helps you get out of being stuck. When you do that when you see clarity you see that life can get better. Its already better, you are seeing when you were in the fog before. I was blind but now I see! when you see you know you still have a purpose you still have a life thats worth fighting for. Theres things that you havent done, that you want to do before you leave this earth. When you hit that moment of clarity theres nothing better!

On that positive note I am going to go off and carry on with my mental wellness plan including tidying up my surroundings, and making my life more pleasant.

Take care Bloggers I wanna hear what you think
write feedback if you like let me know what you think about my blogs

Cheers Tash

an unattentive hairdresser hmmm

Hello thort I better keep the stroke of good luck alive and whilst using the computer post another entry incase I dont get round to it later.

Well its been a miserable overcast day with a bit of rain. Quite like my mood, started ok but turned dreary. Just had my hair cut which was nice but found the hairdresser too fast, she was late for other clients so rushed through the job. I expected a nice easy visit, where she would take her time, instead she didnt want a coffee just to get straight into the haircut and leave afterwards. So I was a bit taken back. On one hand she did a nice job of the haircut, but I didnt like the way she rushed her service. So I dont really know what to think. Probably shouldnt take it personally but its a little hard, only person I had seen all day and I didnt feel that I was important enough for her to take her time and spend time to enjoy the service provided by a home visit by a hairdresser. So I dont know if I will have her do my hair again. Still thinking that through.

Anyway going for the good old Jennifer Anniston long ish cut, so growing it out, so only an inch was taken off the bottom and some layering nothing major but it was way overdue for a trim.

Thought I must get into shape for summer, now that its almost here, so I am back on my exercise machine and trying to trim down. Which proves to be rather difficult when dad buys chocolate and chippies, and other naughty treats, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I do tell myself though do not deprive yourself make sure you do enjoy the finer things in life. Which last night happened to be Rum Chocolate. Yum. I did not know that dairy milk made that flavour, and it was surprisingly strong and pungent. But delicious. Topped off with one of my favourite movies Notting Hill. Ohhh so sweet.  The good old englishman meeting the actress. But I have to say Spike his lodger flatmate is my favourite, he is hillirious. If you have not seen this movie you are missing out cos it is a good one!

Everything in moderation. I'm not saying I am fat by any means just like some others could lose a bit. trim the tummy u know what I mean. Thats realistic, not like these stick figures that you see in magazines. I can still get into a sexy party frock, with heels, just have curves.

Greys anatomy is on tonight yay. Looked interesting on the preview.



anyway have to go dinners arrived

seeya Tash

discussing suicide, and media content

I am back after a week of not attending this blog sorry if you have been holding out for the next entry in a series and I have not delivered. Shame on me. Anyway the usual laptop is in the shop right now having repairs done to it, so I am writing this on dads rather slow old laptop, so sorry if it takes a bit longer or I lose you half way through, doing my best on this machine.

It feels good to write again, I have just been in the space where I could not write anything positive so thort best to give this blog a break, as you dont want to hear the rants and raves of someone who just cant get her .... together.

An update mum is still in Melbourne, grandad seems to be putting on weight which is good, and he is on natural remedies, including a protein shake everyday made up of a heap of vegetables,anyway his mind has become sharper and hes more with it. So thats an improvement. Still talking to him on skype and granny for that matter. Havent gone to Melbourne yet though, holding off at present incase need to go later urgently.

Dad and I are having some precious father daughter time, which is nice. Had a movie night, with junk food, and our relationship seems to be improving so thats good. I am enjoying having him to myself. I know that sounds funny its just dad and I have never been close. He has always been too busy running a business etc and he has been the provider but not really someone I can talk to much, about stuff and spend time with.

Getting my hair cut today Yay, so that'll be nice. I am making dinner tonight in the slow cooker, Lamb chops, with potatos, and vegies so it will be nice and hot when dad returns after work.

Was thinking last night really need to get my ................together and decide what I plan to do career wise whether early childhood is still a go, or whether I should look at peer support work and helping others eg getting their lives on track support work, mental health field, I say this because I have an interest in this field now as I have been through the system so have first hand experience and also know now how crappy the system and the DHB can be and want to rectify alot of wrongs that do happen and people fall through the cracks. I think I have mentioned before things that have happened through no fault of my own but stupidity of the DHB and not seeing the signs before interfening. Its only because of my own self resillence and friends that I am actually existing and its sad because the DHB and other mental health departments have let down certain ones when they needed them the most and these ones were vunerable members of society.
So whens it going to end.
When are people like the PM John Key gonna see just how much damage these departments do.
I dont know, all I know is that there are going to be stories of those who are let down by the system, lives that could of been saved but people didnt see the signs.

In effect it baffles me like this lawyer Greg King. If it was ineffect suicide, that he took his own life why did he do it? he had a brilliant mind, brilliant job, money to burn, a loving wife, and family 2 kids. That wasnt enough????????
The actress. She was successful? or was she? what is in the minds of these ones who give up. Its suddenly not just the poor, weak vunerable, mentally ill that take their lives or the unemployed. Its a much greater amount of individuals now. Why?
I wonder with Greg King whether he felt some he represented in court were guilty, and even though he got them scott free from conviction, whether this played on his conscience. Taunting him cos he knew the truth and what in fact did happen in the Scott Guy case. Etc/.
This is just speculation but even still its interesting to consider.

I was watching the story of Marilyn Monroe the other day and her case is still unanswered, was it suicide at the end of the day, or was someone covering up? We will never know as these answers to these questions have been taken to the grave alongside these ones. But it doesnt stop the majority of the public from looking at the case and examining what evidence is left to consider.

Then theres the faithful story of why are those who are so talented and so likeable succesful in their attempts to commit suicide. When others arent.  Everytime I watch the Batman movie, the Joker haunts me - as he was played by Heath Ledger. An up and coming young actor the role of his life. Yet it was such a dark role. What was going through his mind in order to prepare to play such a dark charactor - villian. Well everytime I see the Joker on screen it gives me the creeps. To think back then when I watched the movie for the first time I thought someone is going to copy him. Like I could see it someone would try to be the Joker in real life. I wish I had said something maybe it wouldnt of made a difference being one persons thort out of many but soon enough there was a man who dressed like the joker and he went into a movie theatre and he shot many people! is that just coincidence? You decide.

Maybe theres a reason that we are meant to see. Maybe violence has just got to such a disturbing stage on tv, videos, video games, dvds theatre. That people become what they see they dream of it and some are so disturbed that it becomes them. I dont know the reason. This is just a theory but I wonder to have a safer and peaceful society whether we can do so with such content on the box. Whether we need to take a look at what we feed our minds and our hearts and our souls. Because whether or not we are that sort of person who can fathom hurting others. They are out there, and we are just feeding an obsession, a dangerous obsession and the wrong person, with the wrong information can use it against us.

Just the theory bloggers let me know what u think of it.


Take care till next time Tash

Live for the Present!

Hi bloggers.
Well positive me back I think!
Woke up today feeling a bit clearer. So that was a good start, have spent time organising wardrobe for summer and packing up the heavy winter jerseys as I dont think they are really needed now cos the weather seems to be getting warmer. I have also done some washing, and some ironing.

I have been in a big muddle recently, as you probably dont know I have been down a big hole of depression and bpd, and bipolar mixed together, believe me has not been pleasant everything has been dark and depressing, I have tried to take my life several times. But I am still here so someone up in the sky is smiling down on me and saying hey your not ready to go yet Miss. So maybe its time to listen to that someone!

I havent been able to think of anything but death, and ending it. Recently too I recieved bad news about my grandad in Aussie having leukemia which brought my world crashing down! as had found out that another granny had suspected bowel cancer, and lost a grandad this year already to cancer and a close friend. So I thought woefully poor me Im gonna lose another one. Also mum has gone over to Australia to see my grandad cos of the cancer and I miss her terribly abandonment issues caused by BPD. I felt blow I wanted to go to, and my world seemed dark, I also looked at my past and thought nothings gonna get better so go top yourself girl!

Thankfully my new medication has started to work, and we have had 2 days of complete sunshine. I also did some volunteering at Supporting families here in the wairarapa. It was lovely to think of people other than myself for once. When you have depression or a mental illness or both you can become very self centred and selfish. You dont mean to be this way. I had another friend help me through and I owe him so much, calling me day and night just making sure I was ok. That is a true friend. Kindness like that is not forgotton.

Believe it or not Mike King has also been a strong deterant not to end my life by suicide. He has been going throughout the north island talking on the issue of suicide and how we are losing too many youngsters and others to suicide. Trying to get communities to rally together to stop it from happening! Well he told me privately if I was to give up and kill myself then I would be undoing all the good he had accomplished talking to the wairarapa people at the Town Hall. What example would I be setting for all the youngsters and teens, none at all and then they may copy me and we end up with a bigger problem. Thanks Mike King big shout out to You.. You got me through a tough time just by saying that comment  to me when I said what I was planning, I was able to think twice about what I was planning to do!

Anyway as I said woke up bit clearer today, but the last few days too I have come to a solution to one of my problems I thought the best thing was to stay away from church and grieve, and get over my grudge etc for what happened. But I have found that I have been lonely and more miserable than I could ever imagine and I have missed it, the teachings, the people. So tomorrow I am going back to church tomorrow with new eyes, and a new perspective and attitude.This will not be easy because I have been hurt greatly but I am looking at putting this hurt aside and going in with a fresh perspective and seeing what others see not through my eyes, but through eyes that hvnt cried the pain. But I know it is time to stop crying. I know if I dont put myself out there I will not make friends, etc and opportunities will pass me by. I would like my grandfather to see me happy before he dies, and at the moment I am not there, but it is achieveable and hopefully now I am on the right medication I can become well mentally and emotionally and move forward in life instead of staying still in a place that is not productive for myself or for those around me. I used to be very sociable and a good friend and for years now I have been isolating myself well its time to get out of the box of safety and just put myself out there, for better or worse, I may get my heart broken but better is it to love than to stay hiden away from the world. I will keep up with the blog and let you know how this journey pans out.

I am ready, and I choose to live in the present and forget the past.

 I no longer want to reject others, and isolate myself, I want to come out of myself and forget the past. I used to be so social well I can be again, and if I dont put myself out there, opportunities cannot come my way, eg partner, friendships, and LIFE. so if you dont want to sit on the shelf and hv a bore of a life and feel down all the time, then get out there and start living that starts with talking to ppl and opening yourself up to heartbreak but also the possiblities of developing great friendships. im going back to my church tomorrow with different eyes, and a different attitude. so I will let u know how that goes. I am ready to be involved again.

forget the past I am living for the present!I know that I feel lost without my church especially when I believe in everything they say, I just need to get over myself. live in the present

For a long time I have not been living. Well I have been living in the past, in the dark lands. not the present.

 A documentary was on the other night on channel 2 20/20 programme of a doctor up in Auckland who has cancer but despite that he doesnt allow it to get the best of him. He still lives his life to the fullest, including working in the emergency department of a busy hospital, even whilst completing chemo treatments every week. He takes every opportunity and runs with it,  and something clicked for me. Why am I trying to end my life when this man is trying so hard to keep his?, and yet I have the opportunity to maybe live a long life. It doesnt make sense and it shows such disrespect for the sanctity of life and the fact that life can be here today and gone tomorrow. He didnt take for granted one moment of his life. Even taking pictures of a flower with raindrops on it, things of beauty but we walk past everyday thinking oh well that'll be there tomorrow. We are rushing, instead of enjoying the little things. Maybe John Kirwins right when he says enjoy the little things Tasha.



I am ready, and I choose to live in the present and forget the past.

I say to u try and see the church with fresh eyes, go in there and talk to people and come out of yrself. I am going to try and do the same I no longer want to reject others, and isolate myself, I want to come out of myself and forget the past. I used to be so social well I can be again, and if I dont put myself out there, opportunities cannot come my way, eg partner, friendships, and LIFE. so if you dont want to sit on the shelf and hv a bore of a life and feel down all the time, then get out there and start living that starts with talking to ppl and opening yourself up to heartbreak but also the possiblities of developing great friendships. im going back to my church tomorrow with different eyes, and a different attitude. so I will let u know how that goes. I am ready to be involved again.

forget the past I am living for the present!I know that I feel lost without my church especially when I believe in everything they say, I just need to get over myself. live in the present

Im Dreaming.....please dont wake me up!

Dream as of late

Ok this was my dream last night I was at one of the AB's games. I remember seeing the all blacks vividly, my mum points over to them and asks them whos single. Dan and Richie both said we're not otherwise we would so take yr daughter out and so they were out of the game, but there were two of the players that said hey I'll take you out yr hot. I smile sheepishly, and embarressed by my mums actions. But hey two of the ABs wanna take me out on a date. So they get my number and give me theres. and somehow in that I get to hang out with the All blacks, and somehow I am pashing Richie, giving him a french kiss, that literally didnt stop. and then another, and hes like where did that come from! Somehow I end off going off with some of the players, back to the hotel room. and Somehow it gets out into the public through the media. Hmmm. Their boss is pissed off that he was the last to know about the new member of the All Blacks Team. I just wake up and think Damm it I wanna dream that again! Wonder if Richie knows I was kissing him............................dreams can be GREAT!

thought would share with u all.

Just watched the nutters club on Maori Televison every time get so much from that programme it is such a shame it is only on once a month and once a week on maori television.

Today was a very productive day even though been suffering with depression and have hardly been able to make it out of bed the last few days. Today spoke to a friend and ended up with a bit of encouragement walking my lovely little dog round the block, then coming home and doing 3 loads of washing, the dishes, cleaning up, sorting out my cotton sheets, and putting away my flannelettes as it is getting warmer now. I also spent time working on my summer wardrobe and deciding what I had in the way of cooler clothes as the weather is heating up now. I found that clothes that didnt fit me fit me now so that is a bonus.

Watched x factor tonight thats a good programme. lots of talented performers. dont have much to say bloggers but wanted to make an entry. Still in a bad place.  But I did order my marriage certificate today and that was an achievement as I have been procrastinating doing that for several months. Time to get it done and dusted so thats what I have done will arrive in 4 days. I am also getting my passport sorted for journey overseas to see sick grandad with leukemia. Mums over there at the moment I have been talking to her on skype.

anyway off for the night


take care

tash