Hi well it is Tuesday and i have survived a few days since my recent hospital admission so I am grateful for that. I have to wait till Thursday and then I can see the psychiatrist and get some real help hopefully in the way of medication that actually does something to help me rather than harm me.
Do you ever feel that with your medication it just doesnt seem to do the trick. I know the story is that you are meant to do the counselling, and all the range of therapys as well as having your medication but how many of you can keep that up. It is so painful bringing up the past and I have found when I have been involved in therapy that its just too much to take. Who wants to drudge up the past all the time but isnt that the only way to really let it go. How do you let go of the pain and frustrations of the past, I would be interested in hearing what type of ways you have used to let go of things that have hurt you or frustrated you, or crippled you into living the so called life but without ever being present in it, like you dont deserve what you have and the people you are around. I often feel like I am living a daze that I am not really present, but am just living as a robot for everyone else. There has to be a certain point though and I am learning this for myself that you need to say I am now going to live because i want to live. I am now going to do things that I want to do, and achieve the goals that I feel I can achieve. At the end of the day nobody else really does control what you do or say or how you act and you can not just say my illness made me behave that way. Why limit our thinking to that extent where we give all the power to others, or a condition that we happen to have that is out of our control. I sometimes wonder whether forums that deal with these conditions are helpful to the sufferer or if they just reinforce the fact that you have a problem. Isnt it best sometimes just to put aside thoughts of what we may feel we have and just say that yes I have this disorder but it is not going to define me. I define myself, and at the end of the day I stand or I fall because of what I do and say and how I choose to live my life.
Trust me this is not easy to do because you literally have to take the power back and not just believe what you hear or what is spoken about a certain condition. Yes the battle that we fight may be an uphill one but nothing in life is easy and if we think that we are just going to get an easy route in life then we are very much mistaken. Some have it easy but trust me they will get whats coming to them in due course, I am not saying that to be evil or vindictive but we need to stop comparing how we are placed circumstance wise in proportion to others. It does no one any favours to do this, and just makes us more unhappy in the process. I know this because I have cousins for instance who are younger than I am and they have married, had children, and on the surface you may think they have it easy but remember friends that you do not get to see what happens behind closed doors. This is just one example.
I think too of the fact that we should try to live for what we have now, and find some joys in that not say that when I am married life will be better. When I have my baby I will be happy. None of these things in the long run will bring us the happiness that we search and long for if we do not find that happiness and joy and learn to love ourselves for who we are before we get others involved. Its not a matter of being vain and looking in the mirror and saying wow I am hot, Its a matter of excepting our faults, or imperfections, but also seeing our strengths, the things we bring to the table everyday. How we light up the room with a smile, how we are there when someone needs to talk or a helping hand, we are there to listen. Maybe we are artistic, maybe we are not but what are we good at, what can we say I am proud of myself for doing that, for making that mug, painting that picture, maybe its just a matter of being proud of ourselves for getting out of bed or doing a thing simple like the dishes. When we deal with what we have to deal with every single day, we are fighting a war. Others do not realise that fact. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is boost your confidence by wearing a nice outfit, putting makeup on, doing your hair. Anything to make who you appear on the outside start to shine inwards. Because we all have something to give and a reason for being here, alive on this planet. Sometimes its just we need to see that. I know I like to express myself with colour, and just wearing some bright colours can make u feel a little better. You may not be bright on the inside or even happy for that matter but you fake it till you make it. One day you will feel bright, happy cheerful, and you will realise that those days made the difference.
going to sign off for a bit
talk to you soon
Tasha
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