Wrapping myself up in cotton Wool.

I am sorta blank today. Maybe i shared too much with you all yesterday but my pain is lying dormant within my heart and soul. I feel like crying but as I am used to suppressing my emotions I am suppressing my pain again and not allowing myself to feel it. I know though to heal from the trauma I have endured and continue to face I need to face my fears and feel every bit of my pain. This seems such a scary proposition to someone who has not done this before. I am thinking if i allow myself to feel the pain I might never stop, I might not be able to see the reality from the past and I may grieve into an abyss and not be able to get myself out of it.

I guess this is a process though that needs to happen and the sooner it does the better you will feel in the long run. But opening yourself up to face all that just makes me weary. I do not know if you have felt this way before you probably have. I hear the words fight the fear and do it anyway and this is probably how it is going to have to happen. You cant live your life suppressing your pain and anguish you have to let it out someday and it is better to let it out in ways that are helpful to you and that help you continue along your journey or the path you have taken.

So this what I will do whether I need to punch every inch of my pillow continually and let out the anger that way, whether I need to call a helpline and just go on and on about how I am feeling, or maybe it is a silent expression where I just sit and let the emotions come to me and let them out in a healthy way that is not harmful to myself or others around me.

I know today is very cold and I feel like wrapping myself up in cotton wool and staying warm in a blanket, a place of security for me. A place where I cannot come to harm and where I cannot do any harm to myself. I am vunerable but I try and stay strong for those around me. Being vunerable and low doesnt get you anywhere in fact it gets you nowhere soon. I dont want to stand still or just in one place. I have too much potential for that and realise that. Knowing this though I am still falling back on my bad ways, on the paths that give me some degree of comfort. They are not helpful, they are not progressive in the ways of making me better emotionally physically and mentally. They keep you in a box or make you go backwards. But it is hard when these particular methods bring a degree of serenity or peace. How do you find peace in your life?

I know I need to find other ways to find that peace and that serenity I just havent found them yet and havent worked out what works for my personal situation. I believe i am getting to the point though where I am fed up of looking in the mirror at a person who takes two steps forward and one back. What is the point of doing that. All the time you are fighting for things to get better so why sabotage yourself at the point when things do seem to be changing and evolving into a better quality of life. I am not just blaming myself as I know I have disorders that make it difficult to see reality from what is percieved in the mind, and the impulsive nature that i possess and intense anxiety make it difficult to say no when it really counts. But I guess before that time comes it is up to me to realise I am weak, and need people around me to step in when I reach a certain point and go downhill.

Having a safety plan is important. Having family members on the same page, so they realise what you are facing by looking up information about it, and knowing the signals to watch for when you are going downhill emotionally. I have my parents picking up my medication for me, and controlling this, it is embarressing to mention this but this is a protection for me as there is no way I can take an overdose of pills as they are controlling how many I receive at any given point in time. Yes it does make you feel a little bit inferior but when you reach a certain point you know the only way to go is up and sooner or later you have to realise that sometimes you have to give control to those you love in order to protect you, and keep you safe and living alongside them. I am definately not out of the woods I am extremely unbalanced on the medication I am on now and i am hoping that seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow will sort all of that out. It is an uphill battle and i get tired of the struggle like everyone else, but something keeps you on this earth and you might not know that purpose now but sooner or later you will. I have set up another strategy being a safe box where I keep some photos, and affirmations, and other special items so that when I am extremely low and suicidal I can open the box and have letters and photos, and activities to keep me occupied. It also reminds you why you are here, as your family and friends are in those photos, and you know their lives will not be the same if you were not around.

I'm not perfect guys I spend alot of my time looking for ways to end my life as well as save it. But the key is I try not to give up, yes i fall but I can get up hopefully and if I cant hopefully others can get me up on my feet until I am ready to stand on my own. Thats the idea of this blog as well to realise the struggles are not just felt by one person but we are all struggling and we can all relate to how others are feeling. When I was in a bad way the other week a friend of mine called the police. That friend is a true friend, he saw a need and he followed through, he knew i was not in a good place and he had to act. He would not of been a good friend if he didnt react. You never know guys when a life is going to be saved by your actions, dont think too long just act. If its a false alarm its ok at least you were there for your friend, and you got the help for them that was required.

I have my cat near me as I write this blog, I can hear him purrring what a lovely sound. Its such a peaceful and soft noise, vibrating. I can hear the rain as I write this, and that is a comforting sound, as it washes away the blurry skies and feeds the plants, and flowers. Try not to take the sounds you hear for granted. They are important they are moments in time where we get to stop and listen!

Like John Kirwin speaks of enjoying a cup of coffee and smelling the coffee, the aroma. Feeling the sun on your back. This is reality this is life, this is meditation and enliving the forgotton spirit of the soul. We need to live in the present not in the future and definately not in the past. I still struggle with this one, sometimes i am present and other times I am somewhere else.

I will try and be more present though and enjoy every moment that comes my way in a positive light.

Thats the way we start to enjoy life instead of just endure it.

Yes we struggle but we also can live a present which is life. A gift, and it is up to us how we unwrap and care for it.

We have control.

We have a choice

We have a life to live and a gift to leave the world

Just another bit of info that I am trying to live and leave myself.


Cheers


Tasha