Time to be honest.

Ok people its time to be honest. I am freaking out after the events of last week. You know I went and saw my doctor the second things went down hill for me and thoughts made me crazy but he did not take me serious he threw me out of his consultation room and told me to make an appointment with the psychiatrist. Then I tried to cope and believe me I tried, I took my meds regularly as prescriped, but somehow things became pear shaped and I went down hill fast. I mean fast. Constant distressing thoughts that I do not appreciate, and a voice in my head that did not shut up. Then there was the impulsivity thats scary when it hits you, I was thinking all sorts of crazy ideas and making plans to carry out. Half way through the week my mood was real high, Manic. Everyone thought I was bubbly and happy but inside I was just the same old wreck, empty and sad. Hard to explain how you feel to others though when they think you are functioning. Anyway I have to be honest with you guys I was manic one day and low the next. I couldnt stop myself before I knew it I was on the booze for comfort. to try and help the anxiety and the thoughts that were racing round in my head. Didnt help as you know alcohol is a depressant. At the time though I didnt care and just needed comfort. Do you know what it is like to be so uncomfortable that you go home and you cant even undress for the night as you have a plan in your head and want to carry it out but theres a part of you that is trying to hang in for the sake of the ones who love you and dont want you to leave.
I'm not going to add any details as that would not be fair to you out there who are struggling with these thoughts, but my mind was going crazy and the anxiety was out of control

Anyway Friday night came to a head as the anxiety became too much, the thoughts became too much and I gave in, I took pills to make me feel better but my parents thought it was more than that and I whisked away to ED in the ambulance. Whilst there the anxiety and thoughts got the best of me and I attempted, I spent 2 nights in hospital on a heart monitor and was released on Sunday. I faced a very judgemental member of the Ed staff, she made me feel small and stupid even thought this all happened because of a condition and I had done my best to control myself and couldnt handle it any longer.

This recent experience has left me bewildered as it was only 4 months ago that I was in the hospital for the exact thing. I thought I had made strides since then and got a hell of a lot better but I have relapsed. I am trying to see it as just a relapse though and not a failure on my behalf to control my condition. I have friends that would of been devestated if I had succeeded in my efforts and my family would of been as well.

One good thing thats has come out of this is that my parents and now more aware of my conditions and have looked up info on the internet and systematically are putting steps in place so that this does not occur again. They are taking control of my medications and they have told me that if in doubt they will not hestitate to call authorities police, ambulance etc if they feel they need to keep me safe. I feel that we are on the same page now and they have an awareness of how this affects me and my moods daily. Also they realise that these conditions are painful to live with and exhausting and none of this is their fault and it is out of their control, they cant fix me all they can do is stand by me and make sure that they protect me to the best of their abilities.

I know I have a responsiblity to try and cope as best as I can and get help if i need to so that I dont put them through the pain of having to live without me, or see me in hospital again. It takes strength it takes will, but to give up is just not an option for the sake of those around me. To hear my mother on the phone to my grandma made me cry she was pouring out her heart and saying you know we just cant control it, shes living in pain and will do what she can to get through but there is no cure for what she is coping with, and at the end of the day we are lucky to still have her around.

So tell me from here how can you go forward. I think the best thing is not to keep looking back. To just say that happened that was a relapse but I have been doing well, and I can still get through this and to a certain extinct hopefully have a decent quality of life. I need to get out emotions, pain, and cry I am so disappointed in myself I am not going to lie about that. You think one second that you can get through it and then the next you fall. But everytime you fall you have to get back up and get back on the horse and try again to make life a success. Yesterday on suicide awareness day seeing the photos of individuals who had succeeded made me sad, made me cry because you know they were so young some of them and had so much to give.

My mother says that Life is a gift from god May we never take it away.

Well life is precious. Every life is precious, and even though things are bad today things could be alot better tomorrow if we let them. If we let the circle of life continue we never know what surprises could be round the corner waiting for us. I havent had children yet, and I havent met the man that i meant to hv children, I have not made my mother a grandmother yet. So who am I to take my own life to take those joys away from my family. Just more that I need to consider and you as my followers on this blog can think over yourself and hopefully apply to your situation whatever that may be.

We are worth more than being put in a box in the ground.
we are worth more than being sprinkled as ashes/
Death is final.
Death is devestating to those left behind
Death is not the solution.
The solution is to stay strong, get through and stay here for those we love.


Thats all I have to say for now...
signing off


Tasha