living inside my mind!

Ok this is what it is like to live inside my mind. My mind is continually racing with ideas and thoughts and plans and I am meant to be on medication go figure. Dont think its working! anyway I am trying to remain positive but it would just be so much easier to give up and die rather than fight this crappy time I am having. I am sitting watching the voice on tv and also channel 3s x factor programme and yet that cant keep me interested enough. What is wrong with me. Aggghhhh 

I guess this is a really negative post and I am sorry if you feel that I shouldnt be posting tis but I said to myself when I started this blog that it was going to be 100 percent real. Well this is reality for me for the present. So if it doesnt interest you to hear these struggles then do not read on. Even though it can be a comfort to know that others are going through hell. You are not the only one in other words.

I have a friend who keeps telling me I am strong and will get through these struggles. I dont know to what extent to believe him, I am strong yes that is true life has made me that way by what I have suffered. But whether I am strong to put up with this borderline crap mixed with Bipolar stuff I do not know. My mind is going crazy 24 7 and there is no telling it to shut up. I am so impulsive I want to do stuff, I want to push boundaries and go over the wall of what is realistic real behaviour.

Maybe I am lacking excitement in my life. I dont know I have always had quite a controlling upbringing in a church environment but I dont believe that is why I am reacting as I am at present. I believe its because of a health reason the one I mentioned above. I am not blaming my behaviour on my health but its really difficult to put up with your mind going crazy in this way and turn a blind eye.

How strong is strong that is my question you all out there. Does it put up with this forever and a day and just hope for the best. Cos i am struggling to do this.  I am struggling to continue my fight to stay alive and part of this world.

I need help but I am on meds and I am waiting for DBT and I am not strong enough to call out to mental health services so I will continue doing this without them.

I hv planned how I am going to steal medication from a pharmacy and gobble them down before leaving, I have planned other things too. My mind is going to town.

I'm not scared of consequences of my actions.
I want to feel alive and excited even for a moment.

I guess people will think this blog is just attention seeking its not. trust me. Everything I am saying is real for me. I am incredibly impulsive so I can not tell you when these things are due to occur.

I do know though that what I think of does normally happen if it festers in my mind for too long it drives me crazy and then it happens.

sorry again about the content of this blog.

better on paper than in my head.


Nite


Tasha.