This is my Challenge, Tasha writing in my blog when she is down and depressed and not at all in the mood. That is me at the moment thats why I have skipped the writing process for the last few days. Suddenly it is upon me that I can no longer skip this, and let all my readers down.

I am going through a horrible time. Everything around me looks doom and gloom. My world is dark and horrible through my eyes. Everybody else can see blue skies and the sun, I went out the other day with my dad reluctantly to keep him company. We ended up near the botanical gardens, I couldnt even smile and wondered why everyone around me was so happy and I felt so miserable. All I could see were families and parents and children walking around smiling and enjoying nature at its best, new flowers out in bloom. All I saw when I looked at myself was I was alive another day, and not happy about it. What made all of them so happy, so interested in life? what clues have they found that I havent? these were questions I asked myself.

The day before I had to go and buy myself a soft kiwi toy to cuddle, to carrase to strangle and treat roughly. I needed a comforter as I am just feeling so low. I have been put on suicide watch the last few days due to circumstances out of my control now, and I dont want to go through the details on my blog.

My brain is foggy, I cant concentrate on anything, I pick up a book and none of the info sinks in I can read words over and over again but cant make sense of them. I watch tv and forget what I am watching,  My mind is just wandering all the time and thinking of death and ways to end it all.

I am grateful for good friends though, people who do not want to let you go. Its nice to know people care so much and believe in you when you cant believe in yourself. Thankyou to all you people you know who you are.

Earlier this week I ended up at a cemetry looking at graves, I thought they were the lucky ones to escape the pain and angony of life, what makes them go first I dont understand it?  some people dont go through the hell that others go through they leave earlier than others through death what makes them so lucky to do so. Why does a terminally ill child leave before someone who is healthy and suicidal? I dont understand. Why are some people chosen and others left behind. I know it is time and unforseen occurance but it hurts. I ended up quite frustrated in the graveyard as I personally as well as others go through hell everyday due to life and disorders, and yet I am still here suffering. I am tired I am depressed I am just over this life and I am stuck here until I die. I have been fighting for years now to stay strong and continue and am very tired. I dont know if I can continue this road. People tell me I have so much to give and need to keep going, but it is easy to say that but do I believe it I do not know.

I end up looking at a dead body in a funeral home. I am not even scared he is at peace I say. Others say he did not have a peaceful end. But I see something completely different. I cannot explain the way my mind works but it has come to the conclusion that living is hell and dying is a hell of a lot better. resting in peace. thats not the way it is though. I was given a tour of a funeral home recently and sat down and spoken to about the reality of suicide and what is involved, there was alot that I did not realise happens with every suicide.

anyway going to sign off for the night.


Tasha.