being present in the moment....

Another beautiful sunny day, thank goodness for that you get up and you just know that everythings going to be ok for the day because the sun is shining in the sky. I had my coffee and wash and put on todays scheduled clothing and went out to work.

 Being with the children today was a blessing. You see life being so worthwhile, and full of mystery and excitement, its a change from seeing life in another light. Its pretty sad when we grow up and change our perspective of life. It no longer seems like life is full of possiblities or maybe it does maybe its just us nutters who sometimes dont see it that way. I have no idea. I saw one child today carrying around a ladybird on his wrist, all the interest in this one little creature really interesting. Why at that age are we so fascinated with our world and what we are yet to experience, we cant get enough and instead of worrying about what is happening tomorrow in our worlds, or what the next stage of development or step may be we take one thing at a time and just enjoy every moment. John Kirwin points to this when he talks of mindfulness and this is one of the principles of Diabetual Behaviour therapy but it is something I sometimes master but very often forget to think of. But it is so important.

I realised this too when I passed a funeral home today and saw the crowd of people outside wearing black and the black herse outside. I have been so fascinated with the concept of death and those final moments in someones life. Hoping that they would be mine so many times. But this time I felt sorry for those left behind, for the friends and family and relatives, even the police officers that may have been involved. I remember looking for uniforms, as if I was searching for a facial expression that would tell me everything that I needed to know about the broken hearts left behind after a death. I wondered to myself whether this person had passed of old age, or whether it was a youth, a teen suicide or an accidental death. Whether it was a car crash, something that was fatal taking the one away from those who loved him or her. I realised in those few moments how fleeting life was it is here tomorrow and sometimes gone tomorrow and we only have so long on earth to prove ourselves worthy to both ourselves and our friends and family and the world we live in.  I wondered what was so special about this individual and what maybe would of been said in the service. I guess I was thinking this as well because I read something today in the local paper about a young girl that a friend of mine was close to who committed suicide not long ago due to bullying and feeling uncomfortable around youths around her. Her father is still coming to terms with what has happened and stated that he did not blame the bullies fully for what happened as a result. He knows that his daughter still had a choice how she handled the situation and in this case she chose the wrong one because she wanted to go down that road. This was interesting to me. Because I have always seen it is a personal decision commiting suicide and this was reinforced in my mind by what this father said in his comments. For a second I put myself in the place of this father and realised he must be feeling so much pain due to his daughters actions. I realised too that I am no better than this girl I have taken this road many times yes I have not been successful as of yet but do I want my father to be the one left behind regretting my actions and feeling remorse and knowing it was my choice but that I had taken a slice of his heart away by doing what I did. Nobody could bring me back if that was the outcome. Forever my family and friends would have a whole where I should of been.

I feel guilty cos even after thinking this way on the way home I was considering throwing my car into a lamppost. What makes you change this way of thinking I dont know.  I hope by meditating on what I saw today I can slowly change my mind as to this course of action. No matter how much pain I am in it really is not the right course of action for everyone to take your own life.

Hamish was talking about anxiety last night on the nutters club. I am listening to a song at the moment which is talking about having a spirit that is undestructable I hope that is the way I am. Anxiety when I have it I try and do deep breathing techniques such as wise mind. Breathing in wise and out Mind. Trying to change focus and perspective of events using CBT therapy. reframing what has happened in my mind. I have engaged in visual holidays where I take myself out of a situation and end up on a desert island or something peaceful such as a place like that where I can just be by myself. Sometimes I take a walk. I love to go to the lake and walk the dog.

I guess the key is just to keep going no matter how nasty you feel. To also have friends you know will listen to you when you need to vent. Or helplines for that matter.
Cry into your pillow. put on a song that expresses how you are feeling.

Just keep chugging along NEVER GIVE UP NO MATTER HOW LONG THE ROAD MAY SEEM
THERE COULD BE SOMETHING WONDERFUL ROUND THE CORNER

EVEN I CANT FORSEE THE FUTURE.



take care bloggers



Tasha