This is my Challenge, Tasha writing in my blog when she is down and depressed and not at all in the mood. That is me at the moment thats why I have skipped the writing process for the last few days. Suddenly it is upon me that I can no longer skip this, and let all my readers down.

I am going through a horrible time. Everything around me looks doom and gloom. My world is dark and horrible through my eyes. Everybody else can see blue skies and the sun, I went out the other day with my dad reluctantly to keep him company. We ended up near the botanical gardens, I couldnt even smile and wondered why everyone around me was so happy and I felt so miserable. All I could see were families and parents and children walking around smiling and enjoying nature at its best, new flowers out in bloom. All I saw when I looked at myself was I was alive another day, and not happy about it. What made all of them so happy, so interested in life? what clues have they found that I havent? these were questions I asked myself.

The day before I had to go and buy myself a soft kiwi toy to cuddle, to carrase to strangle and treat roughly. I needed a comforter as I am just feeling so low. I have been put on suicide watch the last few days due to circumstances out of my control now, and I dont want to go through the details on my blog.

My brain is foggy, I cant concentrate on anything, I pick up a book and none of the info sinks in I can read words over and over again but cant make sense of them. I watch tv and forget what I am watching,  My mind is just wandering all the time and thinking of death and ways to end it all.

I am grateful for good friends though, people who do not want to let you go. Its nice to know people care so much and believe in you when you cant believe in yourself. Thankyou to all you people you know who you are.

Earlier this week I ended up at a cemetry looking at graves, I thought they were the lucky ones to escape the pain and angony of life, what makes them go first I dont understand it?  some people dont go through the hell that others go through they leave earlier than others through death what makes them so lucky to do so. Why does a terminally ill child leave before someone who is healthy and suicidal? I dont understand. Why are some people chosen and others left behind. I know it is time and unforseen occurance but it hurts. I ended up quite frustrated in the graveyard as I personally as well as others go through hell everyday due to life and disorders, and yet I am still here suffering. I am tired I am depressed I am just over this life and I am stuck here until I die. I have been fighting for years now to stay strong and continue and am very tired. I dont know if I can continue this road. People tell me I have so much to give and need to keep going, but it is easy to say that but do I believe it I do not know.

I end up looking at a dead body in a funeral home. I am not even scared he is at peace I say. Others say he did not have a peaceful end. But I see something completely different. I cannot explain the way my mind works but it has come to the conclusion that living is hell and dying is a hell of a lot better. resting in peace. thats not the way it is though. I was given a tour of a funeral home recently and sat down and spoken to about the reality of suicide and what is involved, there was alot that I did not realise happens with every suicide.

anyway going to sign off for the night.


Tasha.

The other night in my dreams it was the end of the world. Ahh how freaky is that. Gave me a strange weird and awful feeling. Not pleasant. You just get that ikky feeling like what is going to happen next. Like when the twin towers went down or the tsnamui in Japan. Or the christchurch Earthquake just one thing after another. I feel sorry for all you in Christchurch that are still going through Hell my heart goes out to you all. Keep strong. I know that it easy to say when you havent walked in your shoes but thats all I can do. Give my sympathies like the rest of NZ

Got me thinking what can we do to relieve ourselves from our stressful lives.
The obvious things
WALKING EXERCISE
PRAYER
MEDIATION YOGA
BEING IN A PEACEFUL SPOT ENJOYING NATURE
GETTING OUT IN THE SUNSHINE GETTING VIT E
TAKE TIME OUT WITH A CUP OF COFFEE OR TEA. PROBABLY TEA LESS CAFFEINE BETTER FOR YOU AND BETTER FOR ANXIETY RELIEF
SLEEP
REST
RELAXATION
PLAY WITH PETS. WATCH THEM PLAY. THEY CAN PURR AND SIT ON YOUR LAP
VERY COMFORTING
LISTEN TO RELAXING MUSIC.
ORGANISE OUR HOMES, DE CLUTTER
WRITING POETRY/SONGS/STORIES

Can I suggest for some light relief from stress!

FRIENDS weeknights channel 2 6:30pm
THE BIG BANG THEORY - Funny about nerds. sooo good.
POLICE TEN 7
COMEDY SHOWS  friday night - Jono and Ben at 10

A different world- such as Glee channel 4 Wednesday nights.Light hearted comedy.


HILARIOUS...........................................................................................................


oh well theres some ideas if you hv some please post


Tasha

being present in the moment....

Another beautiful sunny day, thank goodness for that you get up and you just know that everythings going to be ok for the day because the sun is shining in the sky. I had my coffee and wash and put on todays scheduled clothing and went out to work.

 Being with the children today was a blessing. You see life being so worthwhile, and full of mystery and excitement, its a change from seeing life in another light. Its pretty sad when we grow up and change our perspective of life. It no longer seems like life is full of possiblities or maybe it does maybe its just us nutters who sometimes dont see it that way. I have no idea. I saw one child today carrying around a ladybird on his wrist, all the interest in this one little creature really interesting. Why at that age are we so fascinated with our world and what we are yet to experience, we cant get enough and instead of worrying about what is happening tomorrow in our worlds, or what the next stage of development or step may be we take one thing at a time and just enjoy every moment. John Kirwin points to this when he talks of mindfulness and this is one of the principles of Diabetual Behaviour therapy but it is something I sometimes master but very often forget to think of. But it is so important.

I realised this too when I passed a funeral home today and saw the crowd of people outside wearing black and the black herse outside. I have been so fascinated with the concept of death and those final moments in someones life. Hoping that they would be mine so many times. But this time I felt sorry for those left behind, for the friends and family and relatives, even the police officers that may have been involved. I remember looking for uniforms, as if I was searching for a facial expression that would tell me everything that I needed to know about the broken hearts left behind after a death. I wondered to myself whether this person had passed of old age, or whether it was a youth, a teen suicide or an accidental death. Whether it was a car crash, something that was fatal taking the one away from those who loved him or her. I realised in those few moments how fleeting life was it is here tomorrow and sometimes gone tomorrow and we only have so long on earth to prove ourselves worthy to both ourselves and our friends and family and the world we live in.  I wondered what was so special about this individual and what maybe would of been said in the service. I guess I was thinking this as well because I read something today in the local paper about a young girl that a friend of mine was close to who committed suicide not long ago due to bullying and feeling uncomfortable around youths around her. Her father is still coming to terms with what has happened and stated that he did not blame the bullies fully for what happened as a result. He knows that his daughter still had a choice how she handled the situation and in this case she chose the wrong one because she wanted to go down that road. This was interesting to me. Because I have always seen it is a personal decision commiting suicide and this was reinforced in my mind by what this father said in his comments. For a second I put myself in the place of this father and realised he must be feeling so much pain due to his daughters actions. I realised too that I am no better than this girl I have taken this road many times yes I have not been successful as of yet but do I want my father to be the one left behind regretting my actions and feeling remorse and knowing it was my choice but that I had taken a slice of his heart away by doing what I did. Nobody could bring me back if that was the outcome. Forever my family and friends would have a whole where I should of been.

I feel guilty cos even after thinking this way on the way home I was considering throwing my car into a lamppost. What makes you change this way of thinking I dont know.  I hope by meditating on what I saw today I can slowly change my mind as to this course of action. No matter how much pain I am in it really is not the right course of action for everyone to take your own life.

Hamish was talking about anxiety last night on the nutters club. I am listening to a song at the moment which is talking about having a spirit that is undestructable I hope that is the way I am. Anxiety when I have it I try and do deep breathing techniques such as wise mind. Breathing in wise and out Mind. Trying to change focus and perspective of events using CBT therapy. reframing what has happened in my mind. I have engaged in visual holidays where I take myself out of a situation and end up on a desert island or something peaceful such as a place like that where I can just be by myself. Sometimes I take a walk. I love to go to the lake and walk the dog.

I guess the key is just to keep going no matter how nasty you feel. To also have friends you know will listen to you when you need to vent. Or helplines for that matter.
Cry into your pillow. put on a song that expresses how you are feeling.

Just keep chugging along NEVER GIVE UP NO MATTER HOW LONG THE ROAD MAY SEEM
THERE COULD BE SOMETHING WONDERFUL ROUND THE CORNER

EVEN I CANT FORSEE THE FUTURE.



take care bloggers



Tasha

bits and bobs and useless chatter

What a beautiful sunny day its amazing how your mood is affected on a nice day like this. There is a slight bit of wind but sunny sunny sunny. I have been outside today with my family burning rubbish and all sorts of crap around our property. I didnt think I would enjoy doing this but I found it strangely theraputic to my situation. I was burning rubbish and at the same time burning the crappy things that I was thinking about the past, and throwing bit of rubbish into the fire and watching them disintegrate like I was disintergrating my past wrongs and things I regret, people I hate were the rubbish that was destroyed. All the things I reget were no more they were ashes. GONE the past is THE PAST.

I finished doing this and came inside cleaning the inside of the house as well. Then I sat down and watched Sex in the City 2 which I had out on dvd. I have a friend over for the evening so that is nice. We are going to drink some rum and cola. Yum. Its ok once and a while isnt it.

Friend came round and once again my mother made it all about her AGGGH. I get so frustrated when she goes through all her problems with my friends, and tries to get sympathy just pisses me off. I just sat there and tried not to say anything, all the time though steam was coming out of my ears. Plus if I try and say anything guess who cuts me off. Yes mother dearest again. So frustrating. Better not to say anything cos it is all about my mother and not actually a conversation between people. The usual. My friends end up having to listen to her life story. I dont know why she cant just keep quiet and let people have a nice evening without dragging up the past, especially when she does not know the person well in the first place. The person was MY FRIEND not hers.

I am so cross tonight. AGGGGGHHHH

I have come to bed after one rum and I dont feel tired even though I took my pills earlier this evening. SUX

Anyway going to sign off now for a while



Tasha.

living inside my mind!

Ok this is what it is like to live inside my mind. My mind is continually racing with ideas and thoughts and plans and I am meant to be on medication go figure. Dont think its working! anyway I am trying to remain positive but it would just be so much easier to give up and die rather than fight this crappy time I am having. I am sitting watching the voice on tv and also channel 3s x factor programme and yet that cant keep me interested enough. What is wrong with me. Aggghhhh 

I guess this is a really negative post and I am sorry if you feel that I shouldnt be posting tis but I said to myself when I started this blog that it was going to be 100 percent real. Well this is reality for me for the present. So if it doesnt interest you to hear these struggles then do not read on. Even though it can be a comfort to know that others are going through hell. You are not the only one in other words.

I have a friend who keeps telling me I am strong and will get through these struggles. I dont know to what extent to believe him, I am strong yes that is true life has made me that way by what I have suffered. But whether I am strong to put up with this borderline crap mixed with Bipolar stuff I do not know. My mind is going crazy 24 7 and there is no telling it to shut up. I am so impulsive I want to do stuff, I want to push boundaries and go over the wall of what is realistic real behaviour.

Maybe I am lacking excitement in my life. I dont know I have always had quite a controlling upbringing in a church environment but I dont believe that is why I am reacting as I am at present. I believe its because of a health reason the one I mentioned above. I am not blaming my behaviour on my health but its really difficult to put up with your mind going crazy in this way and turn a blind eye.

How strong is strong that is my question you all out there. Does it put up with this forever and a day and just hope for the best. Cos i am struggling to do this.  I am struggling to continue my fight to stay alive and part of this world.

I need help but I am on meds and I am waiting for DBT and I am not strong enough to call out to mental health services so I will continue doing this without them.

I hv planned how I am going to steal medication from a pharmacy and gobble them down before leaving, I have planned other things too. My mind is going to town.

I'm not scared of consequences of my actions.
I want to feel alive and excited even for a moment.

I guess people will think this blog is just attention seeking its not. trust me. Everything I am saying is real for me. I am incredibly impulsive so I can not tell you when these things are due to occur.

I do know though that what I think of does normally happen if it festers in my mind for too long it drives me crazy and then it happens.

sorry again about the content of this blog.

better on paper than in my head.


Nite


Tasha.

beaten down not defeated yet.

My mind has been racing. Woke up 4am this morning with thourts that just would not shut up, impulsive thoughts crazy ideas etc. My solution to this was to get out of bed and go and make a hot cup of milo. I just wanted to chuck stuff around the place. The angry feelings were to the point i could of seriously done some damage in different circumstances.

Your dreams are an interesting and varied place to visit. I guess they are fairly safe cos if it happens in the dream it can seem really lifelike without actually posing any danger or hurting anyone close to you. Its when your dreams become so real that you really feel that you are carrying out that activity, just makes you want to do it more sometimes when you wake up and find you are still around you are disappointed in this fact to the point where you just want to show yourself you can actually complete what you say you will or what you have no reservations in completing in your dream. Why is that. I dont get why its such a big deal to make what happens in the dream a reality.

I thought getting these thoughts on paper yesterday through using charcoal and pastels that I had got all the frustration out of my system, but to have a night like I did last night tells me that I am far from over feeling the frustration and the anger and the annoyance of living this way. I get so fed up with being me. I did some more crazy things yesterday that I dont quite understand including bidding on another wardrobe on trade me cos I couldnt let it go the emotional attachment was too much, even though I had bought a cheaper one the day before. Now i have two wardrobes, my solution to this is to wait for them both to arrive and make up my mind, one I can very easily turn into a storage cupboard. I was trying to explain the way my brain works to my dad the other day, they are starting to understand but they just say hang in there, you will get through it. They dont get what it is like living like this day by day. Seriously if I knew this would be my reality in life I would of chosen not to be born on this earth but hey just saying the choice wasnt up to me and it sux.

I am listening to my playlist for when I am depressed. It makes me feel like there is someone there holding my hand, and telling me to continue. Even though I know it is only music. The words are impressioning on my mind. I also know that you nutters are all depending on me getting through this hell, and I dont want to disappoint you. Saying that though remember i have done my best whatever the outcome may be.

One of the verses in the song I am listening to says would someone come and carry me home tonight/  thats how I am feeling - vunerable and small. Like a child scared of puberty. Even though I know this is really different to that situation.

I recieved a lovely heartfelt card from my Aunty in Australia it pretty much says this is just a few lines to let you know that we love you, you are very special and have a special place in our family. Our family would have a sad and empty space in it if you were not here so please honey dont keep trying to harm yourself.  She says that she knows I am clever enough to beat my diagnosis that I need to punch it right back and not let it beat me down. Its a lovely card. Hard for her to get what it is like daily for a sufferer though it is easy to look in and say be strong but to live it daily is a different story. Lovely words though. It is nice to know I am loved.

I am very tired today due to my escapades in the night. Take care nutters and I will get back to you later.
The one thing I have achieved today is doing the dishes downstairs and getting myself some lunch.

Yay


talk later


Tasha.

impulsive tasha

I've had a few days off the blog. Sometimes its good to take another perspective on things, and I wanted to see what a difference it was making to my life writing a blog. It turns out that it is making a big difference cos I know you followers of this blog are waiting for another entry to be posted. So here I am. I am needed, I guess.

I have been put on a new drug from the psychiatrist, Epillem. I have been extremely tired and zonked out since i started this drug a few days ago. Unfortunely it is not quick acting and will start working in 3 or 4 weeks. Not a quick fix, but better than nothing. Anyway I have been zonked out and wanting to sleep for most of the day, I have had no energy and been really lethargic. Not at all who I am. So thats a bit concerning but I am not giving up on it yet.

My impulsive thoughts have been driving me up the wall though. The other night I wanted to drive to the nearest town and buy KFC and this was at 11pm at night. Then it was chocolate I wanted anything to do with chocolate late and night and ended up eating heaps of junk food to shut up the impulse. Last night it was that I wanted to go for a drive, and speed, and be chased by the cops, I wanted to go out and stay out all night and not come home till 2 in the morning. Thats if I returned at all I didnt mind if I ended up in a pole or a tree. I only didnt follow this plan through as I was listening to the nutters club on radio live and told myself I would go out after 12 when the show ends, by that time my pills had kicked in and I was tired, and sleepy and not at all in the mood. So thankyou radio live I guess. Good for more than one purpose.

I have just had dinner, maccoroni cheese with bacon. Tasty. I am watching friends, before shortland street and greys tonight. I have my fluffy ginger persian cat beside me wanting some attention. Its amazing what comfort you can get from your fury companions. They need you, and want your time and fuss.

I made myself change my bedsheets today, I am proud that I did that even though I had no energy. Now I have the joy of nice fresh clean bedsheets to fit between. I love the feel of freshly cleaned sheets. Such a joy.

Going to go now my mind is racing with thoughts and I cant even concentrate on my blog.

take care readers..


Tasha.

Never stop dreaming!

Well bloggers here I am again. I am just realising that even though I have been sick for so long it does not have to mean the end of my dreams. I will make what I purpose happen. I have this image of myself as a qualified early childhood teacher in a childcare centre and I will get there. With much hard work of course, but why cant I finish off my degree in childcare, I started it, I have the intelligence and the know how. I just need the paper at the end of the day and because of my health at the time the certificate is missing from my wall. Does not mean the dream has to end though. I have found a centre that I feel really comfortable in, at the moment I am doing some temporary work there, but I am in line for a permanent job if i play my cards right so wish me the best. I forgot how wonderful it was working alongside children, they brighten up yr life, with their smiles and their laughter. Their innocent comments, and ways of percieving the world. I had two young children today who got excited over seeing a fly buzzing around. Something us supposed adults would take for granted.  Going back to what i said in my last blog the simple things of life are the best! It got me thinking I wish us adults could percieve things the way children percieved the world around them. Why are we in such a rush to get to the next stage when there are treasures lying around us that we are not even taking notice of. If we dont take notice of the joys and wonders around us we will miss out on things that are wonderous and exiting that are here for a little while and then gone again.

Kind of like People. We take for granted that our friends and family members will stay in our lives. But the reality is different we do not know what will happen in days to come and we do not know what time and unforseen circumstances can do. We just need to enjoy these ones whilst we have them. Treasure the small amounts of time we have with them and that means being fully present in the moment.

Went and saw the psychiatrist today and I have been given new meds so thank goodness for that. My doctor is taking me seriously. So in 3 weeks hopefully I will be feeling a hell of a lot better than nowadays. But where there is a will there is a way. He is also going to look into DBT therapy.

going to sign off now,

take care bloggers



Tasha

Wrapping myself up in cotton Wool.

I am sorta blank today. Maybe i shared too much with you all yesterday but my pain is lying dormant within my heart and soul. I feel like crying but as I am used to suppressing my emotions I am suppressing my pain again and not allowing myself to feel it. I know though to heal from the trauma I have endured and continue to face I need to face my fears and feel every bit of my pain. This seems such a scary proposition to someone who has not done this before. I am thinking if i allow myself to feel the pain I might never stop, I might not be able to see the reality from the past and I may grieve into an abyss and not be able to get myself out of it.

I guess this is a process though that needs to happen and the sooner it does the better you will feel in the long run. But opening yourself up to face all that just makes me weary. I do not know if you have felt this way before you probably have. I hear the words fight the fear and do it anyway and this is probably how it is going to have to happen. You cant live your life suppressing your pain and anguish you have to let it out someday and it is better to let it out in ways that are helpful to you and that help you continue along your journey or the path you have taken.

So this what I will do whether I need to punch every inch of my pillow continually and let out the anger that way, whether I need to call a helpline and just go on and on about how I am feeling, or maybe it is a silent expression where I just sit and let the emotions come to me and let them out in a healthy way that is not harmful to myself or others around me.

I know today is very cold and I feel like wrapping myself up in cotton wool and staying warm in a blanket, a place of security for me. A place where I cannot come to harm and where I cannot do any harm to myself. I am vunerable but I try and stay strong for those around me. Being vunerable and low doesnt get you anywhere in fact it gets you nowhere soon. I dont want to stand still or just in one place. I have too much potential for that and realise that. Knowing this though I am still falling back on my bad ways, on the paths that give me some degree of comfort. They are not helpful, they are not progressive in the ways of making me better emotionally physically and mentally. They keep you in a box or make you go backwards. But it is hard when these particular methods bring a degree of serenity or peace. How do you find peace in your life?

I know I need to find other ways to find that peace and that serenity I just havent found them yet and havent worked out what works for my personal situation. I believe i am getting to the point though where I am fed up of looking in the mirror at a person who takes two steps forward and one back. What is the point of doing that. All the time you are fighting for things to get better so why sabotage yourself at the point when things do seem to be changing and evolving into a better quality of life. I am not just blaming myself as I know I have disorders that make it difficult to see reality from what is percieved in the mind, and the impulsive nature that i possess and intense anxiety make it difficult to say no when it really counts. But I guess before that time comes it is up to me to realise I am weak, and need people around me to step in when I reach a certain point and go downhill.

Having a safety plan is important. Having family members on the same page, so they realise what you are facing by looking up information about it, and knowing the signals to watch for when you are going downhill emotionally. I have my parents picking up my medication for me, and controlling this, it is embarressing to mention this but this is a protection for me as there is no way I can take an overdose of pills as they are controlling how many I receive at any given point in time. Yes it does make you feel a little bit inferior but when you reach a certain point you know the only way to go is up and sooner or later you have to realise that sometimes you have to give control to those you love in order to protect you, and keep you safe and living alongside them. I am definately not out of the woods I am extremely unbalanced on the medication I am on now and i am hoping that seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow will sort all of that out. It is an uphill battle and i get tired of the struggle like everyone else, but something keeps you on this earth and you might not know that purpose now but sooner or later you will. I have set up another strategy being a safe box where I keep some photos, and affirmations, and other special items so that when I am extremely low and suicidal I can open the box and have letters and photos, and activities to keep me occupied. It also reminds you why you are here, as your family and friends are in those photos, and you know their lives will not be the same if you were not around.

I'm not perfect guys I spend alot of my time looking for ways to end my life as well as save it. But the key is I try not to give up, yes i fall but I can get up hopefully and if I cant hopefully others can get me up on my feet until I am ready to stand on my own. Thats the idea of this blog as well to realise the struggles are not just felt by one person but we are all struggling and we can all relate to how others are feeling. When I was in a bad way the other week a friend of mine called the police. That friend is a true friend, he saw a need and he followed through, he knew i was not in a good place and he had to act. He would not of been a good friend if he didnt react. You never know guys when a life is going to be saved by your actions, dont think too long just act. If its a false alarm its ok at least you were there for your friend, and you got the help for them that was required.

I have my cat near me as I write this blog, I can hear him purrring what a lovely sound. Its such a peaceful and soft noise, vibrating. I can hear the rain as I write this, and that is a comforting sound, as it washes away the blurry skies and feeds the plants, and flowers. Try not to take the sounds you hear for granted. They are important they are moments in time where we get to stop and listen!

Like John Kirwin speaks of enjoying a cup of coffee and smelling the coffee, the aroma. Feeling the sun on your back. This is reality this is life, this is meditation and enliving the forgotton spirit of the soul. We need to live in the present not in the future and definately not in the past. I still struggle with this one, sometimes i am present and other times I am somewhere else.

I will try and be more present though and enjoy every moment that comes my way in a positive light.

Thats the way we start to enjoy life instead of just endure it.

Yes we struggle but we also can live a present which is life. A gift, and it is up to us how we unwrap and care for it.

We have control.

We have a choice

We have a life to live and a gift to leave the world

Just another bit of info that I am trying to live and leave myself.


Cheers


Tasha

Concrete Angel

Ok I have some thoughts to share I need to let go of some of my pain some of my drama. Sometimes your life becomes Me Me Me. The truth is thats the way my disorder makes me feel on a regular basis. It shouldnt be like that though. I have a friend a really good mate who is moving away and it is breaking my heart. She has a young 2 year old son who I have had alot to do with. Its hurting me. People seem to leave me alot, that has happened quite a few times during my life up to now. I know it is a fact of life that people move, change, mature, but it always hits me hard. Well its hitting me hard now, so what to do about it. I just feel like I am always left on my own like the only one I can depend on is me. I have lost friends and family before for quite some time. I am not ready to talk about the situation for this. I never quite recovered if you know what i mean, I lost them and had to stand on my own two feet even though it broke me into pieces. To go from being around the familiar to having the familiar surroundings you are used to whisked away, its confusing. I had to find another identity another part of myself that I did not know was there to get through it all. That was my strength. You do not realise how strong you are until you have to show it, strength is the only thing that keeps you going when times are tough and you think life is never going to get better.

I did not know how strong I was, and I still do not know the strength I am capable of. I am not alone we all have that strength if we look inside ourselves. I went through having abusive inlaws, and a failed marriage that left me alone again, without any self esteem but I picked myself up I dusted myself off and 2 years later I am doing ok on my own. Its not impossible and despite what people say you do not need a man to make or keep you happy. I get alot of strength from doing simple things like driving around in my own car which I paid for, filling my car with petrol, taking care of it. keeping my independence, my flexiblity as to how my money will be spent. All of these things are a testiment to what its like to be independent and strong. I had a husband who ripped me off who took money each week and made me think we were poor, and didnt have enough to splurge. Far from the truth but I found that out too late. Anyway I promised myself that i would always be aware of what the financial situation is around me. That i would keep my power and not let a man take that from me.

I have been attending a group which is a stopping violence support group to try and deal with some of this stuff, painful experiences that have happened. I have let men rule me for far too long, and have been used and abused. I have had boyfriends who have got what they wanted at a price. The price was my self esteem. You think you are going to lose someone if you dont give them what they want at the time, far from it. Its the way a man keeps power over you and uses that to his advantage. Women do not need to give in to every urge or request of a man. We are not controlled by Men we are free agents who decide what we will accept and who will treat us a certain way. I have learnt to not let men treat me with less than what I deserve. But this has taken some time. From a young age a man took advantage of a friendship with my family and the church and took advantage of me. I have always seen myself as undeserving of love and as an object. It has taken many years and many bad experiences and now this stopping violence support group for women to prove to me that I deserve far more than I have received in the past from men, from people for that matter. Nobody should be made to feel inferior or not valuable in a humans eyes. People rolling their eyes at you, this is not ok. Nobody should be made to feel like dirt. Yet when I consider it it happens very commonly in relationships and communities. I hope women take heed and realise they do not need to put up with the treatment that they recieve and they are worth more than that. If a man does not treat you the way you deserve get out of that relationship and find someone who will treat you like a queen! how you deserve to be treated.

Also think of the children dont let children be wittnesses of abuse, or violence, they will remember this in years to come, and are likely to have emotional problems and bad relationships.

I dont have alot to say about how i have got through these times that I have spoken of apart from pure endurance and just having to get through. You think you are weak but you are powerful when you have the chance to show it. It has been a hard road. I have gone through alot including growing up in a religious family and then being excommunicated at 23 years of age. I had a very unwell mother who was frequently attempting sucide as I was growing up.  I hv been abused, verbal, emotionally, psychologically by family members but also my husband and his mother and father. enduring this and a short marriage of only a year and a half. I have been taken advantage of by a number of men including a middle aged member of my church at the time who was a family friend. I studied for a degree in childcare but was very unwell and had to give up this dream for a while as I was unsafe around children. I have had many attempts at ending my life and ended up in hospital psych wards and admissions to hospital. I was not let back into the church for 6 years and this meant not seeing my family and all my friends for many years its hard because I still dont have much of a relationship with some of them but I try. Adding to this I suffer with Borderline Personality disorder and Bipolar Disorder.
I do not want to keep looking back at my past but to let it lay dorment is a scary prospect as well I am angry because my impulsive personality due to Borderline personality disorder and bipolar affected me I believe right back when I was excommunicated from the church. I did not know i had this disorder at the time tho and there was no sympathy. I know now that I was very unwell and I do not know if how I was treated was entirely fair. But I cant live in the past, and I have to let things go otherwise they are going to continue to eat me up with resentment and hurt. I do not know how to let this go though any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. There are no words to the pain I feel on a continual basis due to the decisions and things that have happened in my life.

So how to you move on. I guess a start is by blogging all this on this site so that once again it is out of my head and onto paper. I have to say that I need to think that I can get through in order to make it happen. I choose to forgive and forget the past and to let go of these events and things once and for all. Yes they happened I accept that, it was not fair, but it is not right to hold grudges, and it does not help me in the present to carry this round on my back as a burden. It is time to accept that I was a person that was not aware I was naive at times, and I was sick and I was not aware of this fact at the time. The church only did what they thought was right at the time. I have to stop blaming them and myself. My friends and family do love me, they do accept me now and that is the main thing. It does not matter that for those 6 years I was nothing to them because I was in their hearts and their minds. I have to leave my ex behind and realise that he had the problem, his family his parents had issues, and they could not let go of their son so how could they embrace their daughter in law. I deserve better treatment. I will get better treatment. I will not accept anything less than I deserve as i am a beautiful confident lovely girl who deserves to be loved and to have all her dreams come true.

I accept my illnesses and I am not going to fight them any longer. I am just going to try and keep going moving forward and to recovery where I can have the things I deserve a family a future a good quality life. I refuse to be defined by my illness. I am more than that I am a person with feelings and a heart. I am not going to fight living. I am going to embrace it. I am not scared to succeed to live to have a wonderful life. I refuse to dwell on what i dont have instead I embrace what is right infront of me the people and the comforts of home, my pets, my parents, my friends, and myself.

Suicide can never be an option no matter how hard the day may be. I deserve more in life than that, I dont want to put people and family through that pain. I am better than that. I can succeed I can do well in life.

I refuse to give up on myself but to see the possiblities that hey I can make it. I will make it. I will fight everything and anything and I will get through......

Goodbye to the people that have hurt me. have let me down, have made me feel inferior, I am strong and I have got through those hard times and I will get through everything else that is thrown my way,
I am a concrete Angel. Who is unmovable, unrestricted by all my issues, there are no boundaries there are no limits to what i can accomplish....

and I will succeed.


Signing off

Tasha

Time to be honest.

Ok people its time to be honest. I am freaking out after the events of last week. You know I went and saw my doctor the second things went down hill for me and thoughts made me crazy but he did not take me serious he threw me out of his consultation room and told me to make an appointment with the psychiatrist. Then I tried to cope and believe me I tried, I took my meds regularly as prescriped, but somehow things became pear shaped and I went down hill fast. I mean fast. Constant distressing thoughts that I do not appreciate, and a voice in my head that did not shut up. Then there was the impulsivity thats scary when it hits you, I was thinking all sorts of crazy ideas and making plans to carry out. Half way through the week my mood was real high, Manic. Everyone thought I was bubbly and happy but inside I was just the same old wreck, empty and sad. Hard to explain how you feel to others though when they think you are functioning. Anyway I have to be honest with you guys I was manic one day and low the next. I couldnt stop myself before I knew it I was on the booze for comfort. to try and help the anxiety and the thoughts that were racing round in my head. Didnt help as you know alcohol is a depressant. At the time though I didnt care and just needed comfort. Do you know what it is like to be so uncomfortable that you go home and you cant even undress for the night as you have a plan in your head and want to carry it out but theres a part of you that is trying to hang in for the sake of the ones who love you and dont want you to leave.
I'm not going to add any details as that would not be fair to you out there who are struggling with these thoughts, but my mind was going crazy and the anxiety was out of control

Anyway Friday night came to a head as the anxiety became too much, the thoughts became too much and I gave in, I took pills to make me feel better but my parents thought it was more than that and I whisked away to ED in the ambulance. Whilst there the anxiety and thoughts got the best of me and I attempted, I spent 2 nights in hospital on a heart monitor and was released on Sunday. I faced a very judgemental member of the Ed staff, she made me feel small and stupid even thought this all happened because of a condition and I had done my best to control myself and couldnt handle it any longer.

This recent experience has left me bewildered as it was only 4 months ago that I was in the hospital for the exact thing. I thought I had made strides since then and got a hell of a lot better but I have relapsed. I am trying to see it as just a relapse though and not a failure on my behalf to control my condition. I have friends that would of been devestated if I had succeeded in my efforts and my family would of been as well.

One good thing thats has come out of this is that my parents and now more aware of my conditions and have looked up info on the internet and systematically are putting steps in place so that this does not occur again. They are taking control of my medications and they have told me that if in doubt they will not hestitate to call authorities police, ambulance etc if they feel they need to keep me safe. I feel that we are on the same page now and they have an awareness of how this affects me and my moods daily. Also they realise that these conditions are painful to live with and exhausting and none of this is their fault and it is out of their control, they cant fix me all they can do is stand by me and make sure that they protect me to the best of their abilities.

I know I have a responsiblity to try and cope as best as I can and get help if i need to so that I dont put them through the pain of having to live without me, or see me in hospital again. It takes strength it takes will, but to give up is just not an option for the sake of those around me. To hear my mother on the phone to my grandma made me cry she was pouring out her heart and saying you know we just cant control it, shes living in pain and will do what she can to get through but there is no cure for what she is coping with, and at the end of the day we are lucky to still have her around.

So tell me from here how can you go forward. I think the best thing is not to keep looking back. To just say that happened that was a relapse but I have been doing well, and I can still get through this and to a certain extinct hopefully have a decent quality of life. I need to get out emotions, pain, and cry I am so disappointed in myself I am not going to lie about that. You think one second that you can get through it and then the next you fall. But everytime you fall you have to get back up and get back on the horse and try again to make life a success. Yesterday on suicide awareness day seeing the photos of individuals who had succeeded made me sad, made me cry because you know they were so young some of them and had so much to give.

My mother says that Life is a gift from god May we never take it away.

Well life is precious. Every life is precious, and even though things are bad today things could be alot better tomorrow if we let them. If we let the circle of life continue we never know what surprises could be round the corner waiting for us. I havent had children yet, and I havent met the man that i meant to hv children, I have not made my mother a grandmother yet. So who am I to take my own life to take those joys away from my family. Just more that I need to consider and you as my followers on this blog can think over yourself and hopefully apply to your situation whatever that may be.

We are worth more than being put in a box in the ground.
we are worth more than being sprinkled as ashes/
Death is final.
Death is devestating to those left behind
Death is not the solution.
The solution is to stay strong, get through and stay here for those we love.


Thats all I have to say for now...
signing off


Tasha

Fake it till you make it

Hi well it is Tuesday and i have survived a few days since my recent hospital admission so I am grateful for that. I have to wait till Thursday and then I can see the psychiatrist and get some real help hopefully in the way of medication that actually does something to help me rather than harm me.
Do you ever feel that with your medication it just doesnt seem to do the trick. I know the story is that you are meant to do the counselling, and all the range of therapys as well as having your medication but how many of you can keep that up. It is so painful bringing up the past and I have found when I have been involved in therapy that its just too much to take. Who wants to drudge up the past all the time but isnt that the only way to really let it go. How do you let go of the pain and frustrations of the past, I would be interested in hearing what type of ways you have used to let go of things that have hurt you or frustrated you, or crippled you into living the so called life but without ever being present in it, like you dont deserve what you have and the people you are around. I often feel like I am living a daze that I am not really present, but am just living as a robot for everyone else. There has to be a certain point though and I am learning this for myself that you need to say I am now going to live because i want to live. I am now going to do things that I want to do, and achieve the goals that I feel I can achieve. At the end of the day nobody else really does control what you do or say or how you act and you can not just say my illness made me behave that way. Why limit our thinking to that extent where we give all the power to others, or a condition that we happen to have that is out of our control. I sometimes wonder whether forums that deal with these conditions are helpful to the sufferer or if they just reinforce the fact that you have a problem. Isnt it best sometimes just to put aside thoughts of what we may feel we have and just say that yes I have this disorder but it is not going to define me. I define myself, and at the end of the day I stand or I fall because of what I do and say and how I choose to live my life.

Trust me this is not easy to do because you literally have to take the power back and not just believe what you hear or what is spoken about a certain condition. Yes the battle that we fight may be an uphill one but nothing in life is easy and if we think that we are just going to get an easy route in life then we are very much mistaken. Some have it easy but trust me they will get whats coming to them in due course, I am not saying that to be evil or vindictive but we need to stop comparing how we are placed circumstance wise in proportion to others. It does no one any favours to do this, and just makes us more unhappy in the process. I know this because I have cousins for instance who are younger than I am and they have married, had children,  and on the surface you may think they have it easy but remember friends that you do not get to see what happens behind closed doors. This is just one example.

I think too of the fact that we should try to live for what we have now, and find some joys in that not say that when I am married life will be better. When I have my baby I will be happy. None of these things in the long run will bring us the happiness that we search and long for if we do not find that happiness and joy and learn to love ourselves for who we are before we get others involved. Its not a matter of being vain and looking in the mirror and saying wow I am hot, Its a matter of excepting our faults, or imperfections, but also seeing our strengths, the things we bring to the table everyday. How we light up the room with a smile, how we are there when someone needs to talk or a helping hand, we are there to listen. Maybe we are artistic, maybe we are not but what are we good at, what can we say I am proud of myself for doing that, for making that mug, painting that picture, maybe its just a matter of being proud of ourselves for getting out of bed or doing a thing simple like the dishes. When we deal with what we have to deal with every single day, we are fighting a war. Others do not realise that fact. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is boost your confidence by wearing a nice outfit, putting makeup on, doing your hair. Anything to make who you appear on the outside start to shine inwards. Because we all have something to give and a reason for being here, alive on this planet. Sometimes its just we need to see that.  I know I like to express myself with colour, and just wearing some bright colours can make u feel a little better. You may not be bright on the inside or even happy for that matter but you fake it till you make it. One day you will feel bright, happy cheerful, and you will realise that those days made the difference.

going to sign off for a bit

talk to you soon


Tasha

First Entry Welcome to the club BPD.

Hi Guys


On the outside you may think I am normal that I am just like any other 29 year old girl, I am bubbly I am attractive, I am friendly, you may think my life is easy. Far from it I have a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar disorder. It is an uphill battle to sometimes get through the day.

I have started this blog to help others who suffer with a mental illness and to also help myself by venting some stuff, and getting stuff out in the open. Its a good release to write your thoughts down or type them, suddenly they leave your head and end up on the paper instead.

 This is my first post in this blog but definately not my last, it is so difficult to live with a mental illness I get that, I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar and the daily struggle is so tiring but it is not impossible. Take advantage of all the resources available to you to get yourself better. There are support groups in your community, such as supporting families, and other womens centre groups. There are specific apps for your iphone, books that you can download to your kindle all to help you in the struggle.
I have a special playlist for when I am depressed that i can turn on, on my computer that way I always have some positive thoughts playing in the background, when you listen to the words you can really feel the sentiment. Try and think over those words, sometimes you have to play the songs over and over again till it hits home that the message is really important.

There is a great show called the nutters club on Maori Television on a friday night at 10:30pm and a show on radio live on a sunday night at 8pm.
Both of these shows I really recommend. Every week there is a new guest speaker who shares their stories of how they recovered from mental health issues. You can always take something from the show in the way of recovery principles and applying them to your life and your condition.
With the nutters club show on a sunday night Mike King and David Codyre a psychiatrist talk to a guest or sometimes just get people to ring in and share their stories of coping with mental illness, and recovering from such. There are a range of different callers some who are coping well with life and others that need a bit of a helping hand. The show is the Nutters show, and there are comments presented on the facebook site as well. The nutters club facebook page. I really recommend this show. Sometimes all thats needed is to get something off your chest when you ring, and you feel so much better for doing so.

Following on from that the nutters club facebook page has a number of lovely pictures and affirmations that are posted, on the page daily. So you always have a bright positive thought for the day, that really helps when you are suffering with a mental illness. I can also recommend some more different pages, there are support groups on facebook all you need to do is look for them. One for every issue that you are facing almost. I was quite surprised when I looked around as to how many pages of support were actually available to us as people with issues. We are never alone if you think you are alone you are mistaken because there is always someone around who is willing to lend a hand if needed. That is a comforting thought when you live life with issues that sometimes get the better of you and get your spirits down at times.

It is good if we can take a moment and take a look at the bigger picture and the perspective that others see of us, who we are in their eyes. All of our skills, our attributes, all of the things that make us special to our friends and family and people we meet in our day to day lives. It is hard to see this when we are wrapped up with our own problems. But I think it is important that we try to see what can only be told to be the truth of the matter that we are valuable to someone, we are loved, we are admired, someone needs us around. I consider this briefly as just recently I had the experience of being in a space where I have had to think of my friends and family more and more as a reason to continue on this planet. But I cannot imagine and would not want to imagine the emptiness they would feel if I wasnt here, I am my parents only daughter, my brothers only sister, I have a responsiblity to fight BPD and Bipolar to the bitter end, and sometimes that may mean some of my friends and family having to fight the war for me, as you can be quite uncontrollable at times with your moods and emotions. Today is Suicide awareness day and I went on the suicide shatters website and saw picture after picture of individual who are no longer here but had so much promise, and so much that they could of achieved, they all died too soon. Some only in their teens. No matter the pain that this illness inflicts on me I hope that being a statistic of that is not in my future. How many of us cannot say that we have nothing to give cos we all do have something to achieve in life and do, we all have a purpose even though sometimes we do not realise our purpose because our mind is so clouded with emotion or drugs, or medication or whatever the story is. Just something to keep in mind bloggers. How many of us have achieved what we wished we would whilst we were on the earth.
I dont know all the answers, I am trying to work them out for myself and slowly hopefully I will find them.

Many of us just seek an end to our pain and heartache, that is the truth of it, but yet by taking our lives we are ironically inflicting pain and heartache on the ones who are closest to us, and having to pick up the pieces. Just food for thought being suicide awareness day. I just want to do a shout out to all the ones who were in so much pain that they gave up the struggle of life, I dont know your reasons for giving up but you are all in our memories. Suicide is a really sad prospect so try to do your best to not inflict that upon the ones you love no matter how much pain you yourself might be in, round the corner there could be better days if we hang in there and give it a try.  I am no one to speak on this as I always have thoughts of ending it all, but I guess sometimes talking about the pain of suicide can stop us from making it a reality in our families and our lives. We have to get the issue out in the open and appreciate that it does happen more than it should and such a waste of lives that could of been long and full of wonder and life. Some of these ones have not married, have not had children, have not had grandchildren etc. is that what life is about, giving up at the first sign of pain and trouble. We need to be stronger than that guys. Dont let yourself be bullied into ending it all, not worth it!

anyway getting tired so gonna sign off for the night. food for thought for all the bloggas

Tash.