Its a learning process.

Hi people. Ive been absent minded for the past few weeks. But saying that I think I am returning slowly. I really feel that my new medication may be kicking in finally. I will say this cos for the time things looked up a fraction.

I woke up this morning and was determined to be out of bed as I have been home in bed for the last 3 days with a bad foot. As I hurt my ankle falling down the stairs. I am still on crutches but mum and I went to the market day opposite and bought some lemon curd and then we went out for morning tea at a cafe. I bought a donut and a custard slice and split them so we both had half of both and I bought 2 mochas, they were delivered to the table and were scrummy.

Then we went to the supermarket to get a few things. Lucky for me the ladies at the cashier counters could see that I was struggling on my crutches and let me cut through so I didnt have to walk round the whole store. Have you ever tried walking on crutches, man its hard work, takes alot out of you especially when you havent used your feet for the last few days. I bought a few items and then returned to the car went home. Mum then showed me kindly how to fillet a fish salmon as I had not done this process before. I sat downstairs in the armchair and watched her taking each part off and setting it aside for meals. So we got good value from our salmon which was only $20 in the first place. It should do us 3 meals and thats between 3 individuals.

I spent some time today reading a book on forgiveness and getting rid of pain and healing the soul. I couldnt really do much else as I am no good on my feet, and cannot drive due to my foot being no good on the pedals for the time being, I cannot walk anywhere as my foot is not strong enough, so all I could do was put my feet up and read, or watch tv or sleep.

This book talks about feeling your grief and letting those feelings of pain to well inside you feeling without trying to find the answers or blaming others just letting the feeling be, feeling it and letting it go when you are ready. The book does say though that forgiveness is not a light process and it can take longer for others then some. That you forgive when the time is right and you feel that it is vital you move on.

I also watched the nutters show that was presented on maori television last night at 10.30pm. I have a laptop so watched it on there. I took time and listened to what the women were saying and applied what she was saying to my personal situation. I felt like she was telling me, she knew the time was right for her and she didnt want to be stuck, I am stuck and I dont wanna be so I need to make a move. That is difficult for me as the level of pain I am feeling inside is extremely high but at the same time it is a necessary process in order to go forward and not stay stuck in this place.  Because at the end of the day you either accept help and get out of the rut, or you stay in it stubbornly or you die by taking your own life. I do not want to stay stubbornly in a mess where I am not happy and not achieving anything. I am trying not to end my life for the sake of those around me. so that means I need to accept help and move forward no matter how hard or long that journey may be.