idiot health system

I am living in an old rundown hotel that my parents and I are converting into a residence upstairs. Unfortunely though during this there are some disadvantages one of these is that we hv not alot of lighting, so tend to use torches at night to head down the stairs to the loo. Well last night I forgot to take my torch with me, I had done this before without any hiccups, and the dog went ahead of me down the stairs, I was more concerned about where he was and what he was doing that I forgot to count how many stairs, and hold onto the railing, the consequence of this is that I missed the last 4 steps of the stairs, and did a 45 degree turn and landed on my back, with my right leg hitting the ground with a thump, I was in agony. I called out to my family and they came to my aid, and put me in the recovery position and provided a cushion. I tried to sit up but was nausious as, and in absolutely awful pain. my parents put a cold pack on my right foot, and left me there for a bit and then tried to get me up the stairs. When I finally got into bed, at least I had Mike to listen to for comfort on the nutters club show on radio live.

Woke up this morning, my foot had swollen up dramatically so been off it all day resting. Will see what it is like tomorrow and whether I need to go to the hospital or doctors surgery. Has been a rather boring day and add to that my mood wasnt great in the first place. Add to that I have had to pee in a bucket cos I cant go down the stairs, I know how humiliating, only on this blog will you hear that.

The health system are still not getting the fact that I need to have help eg be in respite, but I have had enough of them all I say if I disappear it is on them and they can be sorry. I dont want to keep fighting them all. They are all idiots!  They pass the buck from one department and one individual to the next, like you are somebody else's problem. Makes you feel good as the consumer doesnt it. Really brings up your self esteem and mood. People dont ask for respite, or their families dont for that matter unless it is actually needed!
I am fed up with the lot of them. I believe this is one of the reasons why there are so many suicides because departments cant get their act together and send vunerable individuals home instead of getting them the help that they need. They just send them home to kill themselves. So many more opportunities to do so in your own home.
Oh well if you have an opinion on this I would be interested to hear it!

You do not want to hear what is on my mind bloggers, so I am not going to tell you, all I will say as I have friends who are trying to stop me from following through on what I would love to do. I had a dream last night that I was in a coffin, I was in there, and I felt peaceful and free. Who dreams of being in a coffin,. who sees something on tv an overdose or some sort of suicide attempt and thinks now thats a good way to do it, I tell you who thinks this crap. Me. I am fed up of wanting to die and NOT, and it pisses me off.

Let me just say when I go if I go it will be without warning. I will not tell anyone of my plans and my intentions. It will just happen. BOOM shes gone!

and please do not blame yourselves k, cos I have fought as long as I could. Suicide is a complicated process and if you do not know all the reasons behind it then do not judge. You do not know what hell that individual has been carrying with them or living. Suicide is the end of the road. But it is also peace forever.

and yes thats all I have to say


Tash