confusion

Hi been on bed rest today, have a sprained ankle due to falling down the stairs. I am very impressed with the ed department locally as I was seen within an hour sent to xrays and then discharged, seen at 8 15pm and gone home by 9.30 pm Well done ED.

Have been rallying around trying to save the favourite show the nutters club on radio live on a sunday night every wk. Radio live wants to make it monthly and sorry that is just not an option for us nutters who need the show and what it contains. So have set up a facebook page keep the nutters club show on radio live every week. If you can please get on and support this page it would mean a lot.

Just heard from Mike King. He says doing all can to keep show going, including looking at other radio stations, but wants to keep good relationship with radiolive so have to be careful how we approach tis. Fair enough really, he know I am stubborn as. Probably too stubborn for my own good. Anyway we were talking about the events of the 25 October when I am joining him on stage at the town hall to tackle the issue of suicide in the wairarapa. He wants me to share my personal experiences and the thorts that penetrate my mind every waking moment. There are plans in the pipeline but too early to share, so will be quiet for now.

Well today is Wednesday. The middle of the week. I am on bed rest again cos of this stupid foot. Anytime I walk on it it is so flippin sore that it is better to stay off it. so yes being waited on hand and foot literally and watching tv, movies, reading and sleeping, fun aye - NOT. Getting tired of it.

Not much to say as my brain aint working too well today. I dont know why I cant get my own death off my mind, it puzzles me, even whilst talking to Mike I liked the sound of what he was saying but there was a voice saying you wont be around girl to help others cos you will be in the ground. I thought seriously about attempting suicide again last night, didnt do it, but the means was there and the will was there. One of my friends thinks it may be habit and I have taught myself that the best way to get out of my problems is to leave this world. I dont know. I know I dont glamarise suicide like other youths seem to do. I simply see it as the end of everything and peace. Thats why its so attractive to me I think, cos my life has been so messed up, like my friend said you dont know happiness girl so you think the rest of your life is going to be what its been like up till now. My friend tried to make me appreciate that, this was not the case, still didnt sink in. I dont know what to do with myself to be honest, I am fed up of this way of thinking. My friend said you have emotions but its up to you how you feel those emotions. Whatever that tends to mean. It would be sad though if Mike set up this project and I could make a difference to other teens lives but I wasnt around to do so. I keep telling myself i am no good in a box! At the moment too I have a grandad with lukemia and I could not justify leaving this world before he does! not like I would be around to see the consequences but you know what I mean. My grandfather is 84 I am 29. What if life can get better and I am just not giving myself a chance to feel it, to let it get better. What if I have condemmed myself in my mind to be unhappy for all days that I really cant feel joy or happiness. I dont know but it is food for thought. You are what you tell yourself. I know I never have truly been happy. I have felt rejection and pain, and maybe that rejection and pain is making me act out and hurt myself through self harm and suicide. I know its not an attention seeking thing, it is out of pure desperation and hurt that I take that course. Everytime willing it to succeed.

My friend told me about his friend a 33 year old mother and wife who had 2 children in kindy, that took her life a few weeks back. He still does not understand what happened to make her do so, she seemed happy on the outside but inside obviously there was alot of self hatred, etc. she could not make peace with herself. I was thinking over this story and wondering why a beautiful woman who had travelled had settled down with a hubby and 2 kids could do such a thing. I thought I was empty this woman seemed to have it all yet it was not enough. Something was missing. She didnt love herslf. They say you have to love and accept yourself before you can let another in. Maybe she missed this cruicial step. What has she achieved by her actions, ok well my mind tells me she has succeeded cos she committed suicide and it worked! but underneath that part who has she left 2 children that cant understand where and why their mom has gone and a husband who is grieving. I dont believe that suicide is selfish because it is a last resort option for many, but in this case I do believe it is selfish because those children are going to bear the scars of what their mum has done for their whole lives, and they will probably have a mental illness because of it. Some even use it as an excuse to copy actions later in life. Well mum did it so I can too. I can be with her!

I wonder if this person has finally found the peace that she had been searching for so hard. My friend tells me she doesnt find peace she is just dead. But this does not make any difference to the way my mind percieves the situation. To want to be where she is more than words and not being able to get there now that is painful. Still I wonder why, why do I want to give up?. Why do I want to give up this gift of life at any price?.What price is too high? how far will you go to finally be at peace within your soul?

My friend wants me to listen to motivational cds such as Tony Robbins so he is giving me a copy. He is hoping some postive inforcement will weed out the negative thoughts. I forgot to tell him already been there tried that. I read affirmations I read positive self help books, but constantly my thoughts stay pressed on this subject.

Oh well back to bed

Tash.