Trying to get thru

I'm back to the blog. It's helpful I must admit to put my thoughts down on paper. I've been avoiding a lot of people recently, and twitter and Facebook only for the sake that I don't wanna appear like the girl always with issues. Guess it is pride. Also I haven't been able to really come to terms with the fact that I am going to lose my grandfather in the not too distant future, from leukemia. He has had a great life he is 85 years of age but it doesn't make it any easier to accept that one day he is not going to be around.  I've kept to myself regarding my feelings but the other night I felt like I was going to explode so I rang a helpline and it was comforting to have someone still the other end of the phone to talk to.  I thoroughly recommend this service if ever you need to talk to someone, and get some things off your chest.

It's been very hard that a friend of mine blocked me on twitter. I understand the reasoning behind it. But it feels like a rejection.  This is another thing that I've found very difficult to accept. As well as the  pain of a package going astray in the mail and not being compensated for it. This was  hard to accept still haven't got there with level of acceptance.

I have restarted writing my book, my story living with borderline personality disorder from a perspective of hope. Hopefully this will occupy my mind and allow me to think of positive things.

I am trying to change the health services here in the Wairarapa and campaigning for the sake of the little man, the consumers of mental health services who are not taken seriously enough and given the care they require.


 I have looked at other treatment options to get my life on track and avail myself of the dbt programme that my condition responds to as a therapy. I am looking Into the treatment facility Takaka in Golden Bay in the South Island. At present I am going through the referral process for getting into their programme. I'm sorry but I had given up on the system I had waited for dbt treatment for a year, and this year was accepted into the outpatient dbt programme with a group in the Hutt once a week and work with psychologist, but I was disappointed to have the course changed to several dates including January, February, and then April, and then I heard that the programme wasn't happening as the lady who took the programme had moved to Australia,   This programme has been a long time coming but I believe when it finally happens it will be good to get this treatment. It hopefully will change the course of my life and make things easier to cope with.


At present I am stuck with some sort of virus which is not ideal and hope to get rid of it ASAP stuck in bed today, feeling yuck, and yes that affects your mental health when your physical health is rubbish as well.

The weather is rubbish as well.

I have some good news.  I'm going to Aussie in 5 weeks time for two weeks.   Not really as a holiday just to see family and help them out, and see my grandfather if he is still alive.

If you have any tips on dealing with the grief process I would be interested to know.

Any feedback as to what has helped you recover from death of a loved one.


Thanks for reading.


Tania

Another Post. Another Month, Another Year and we r February

Here I am again. Sorry to all my followers of both my facebook page and my blog. Its been hard to come on here and write. Guess I havent really had it  in me. You think you recover from Borderline personality disorder and then something happens and you go backwards. Its a very frustrating illness. I am under a lot of stress right now. My grandfather has no white blood cells left. So its looking pretty glum for him, he is at risk now of picking up any sorts of infections, illnesses and no defenses against em. He has lukemia by the way for those of you who didnt know.

I have also had a Boyfriend recently but have had issues in that respect as well. A man that encourages you to do things that you dont feel comfortable with doing is no loving relationship instead its abusive. I told him where to go. He came back to me and now hes saying that his residency is not looking like its going to go through and he wants to move in with me have an arrangement give me money in return for residency papers. Hell No. I havent even met u in person and all of a sudden you want me to do this for you. Its ridiculas and I am finally realising that this relationship is one sided and just to make him feel good. I am not wanting to continue investing time in a man who does that its selfish and immature.

I have been extremely down and suicidal. I went for a job but missed out on it due to my past mental health issues. Bpd's cant ever escape their past and it sux. I have been put on the invalids benefit. Yes Work and Income finally see this as a disorder a disablity that you cant get out of, and disabling to everyday functioning. I guess when I went for this benefit though it started to sink in, the reality of my situation and that I am different from the general population who is working and earning their income. I dont think I am ever going to be well enough for fulltime work, I might be but I would be very surprised. Even still I am looking at studying parttime and trying to improve my prospects if I want a job in the future, I will also continue with my volunteer position at Supporting families Wairarapa.

I am looking at moving into a house with a friend of mine, so thats kinda good, just waiting for the owner of the house to go through references and get back to us as to whether we have been successful. Its close to town so can walk up the shops, and wont have to use the car as much. So will hopefully save on petrol. So thats good.

We have had very warm days here, its good in a way for your mood but it gets tiring having to change cos you stink so bad from sweat. Sometimes I can go through two outfits in a day. I have had to do a hell of a lot of washing.

Dads just bought a pool table. Hes rapped so will see how much he plays pool when it arrives.

anyway gonna go feeling yuck today have had nasty virus for the last few days. I am glad its nothing more serious but my body needs to rest and recooperate.

Talk Later


Tasha

Update Tasha is Doing Good!

Hi guys.

Tasha here, have been away for quite some time so I apologise for this, I guess whilst I was so unwell I wasnt in a state to contribute to this page. You will be pleased to hear that things have turned around for me because I am now on the right medication and getting the right therapy from a grief counsellor. She is wonderful I would not be in this place without her support and many others.

I am back to concentrating on my art work, and I will post some of my work in due time. I am also drawing my own pictures and painting now, so evolving as an artist. I have been applying for positions locally, work that is close to home, primarily my interests lie in working in the mental health sector, so I am making steps to study Mental Health this year and also do a certificate in trauma. Because I feel that the professionals out in the mental health sector do not know enough abou t trauma itself, and how to really relate and treat their clients. How can you fully understand unless you have been down that road yourself.

I feel that I am in a privellged position to share what I have learnt through my own recovery and journey to help others through theirs. Because even though alot of what I have gone through has been extremely painful at times, and I would not wish upon anyone, I know without this journey I would not be as strong as I am now. The resillence that I have learnt is what I treasure. I know no matter what happens to me in life if I can overcome such a struggle as I have then I can get through anything that life throws my way.

I am also looking at writing my own book regarding my own story. I want it to be positive and inspirational, not a sympathy tale. Shouldnt we celebrate our strengths and our amazing strength to get over the unbelievably awful experiences that life presents. I guess going through the sucky times also makes you appreciate the good times when they come your way.

Its starts off just as John Kirwin says you drink your coffee and think that was nice.. or you look out on a summers day and think thankgoodness its not raining. But later on you see more than the little things in life. Especially once the fog clears that clouds your judgement and your lifes focus.

One thing thats helped me in the end is that I decided to volunteer at Supporting Families an organisation that deals with the mentally ill and those who need support. I volunteer one day a wk but I find because I started to do this and look outside of myself, to help others that my problems didnt seem so major compared to others issues. Helps you to get your thinking into perspective. It also gives you a reason to wake up and get dressed and go out.

I am a firm believer in forcing yourself out of the hole. Its not easy. It takes an intense struggle at times to do but if you can see yourself as more than an illness and not label yourself or put yourself in a limiting box then you can see a light at the end of the tunnel. My therapist calls my past thinking as stinky thinking - the negative thoughts that rob you of joy and she said to me when I first came to her that I needed to rewrite the tape that was playing. I think I have improved in this respect I feed my mind on positive literature tho, and affirmations to try and keep me appreciating life and not taking it for granted. Also my grandfather is sick with Lukemia so I see life in a different perspective I think cos he is struggling to hold onto his with all his might. Why shouldnt I embrace mine?

I dont know what else to say I know that it is always a battle to try and keep myself in a healthy way mentally. But I have recently got the privellge back of giving myself my own medications everynight and I do not want to lose this chance to right my life and have something more than what I have had in the past. I have a future and I am looking at studies and a life. Why cant I have everything I want. There is no reason why not as long as I keep myself in a healthy state, and appreciate all the blessings I have around me.

Have a good night Bloggers.


I will try to be more regular with my posts  - apologies again!

Tash

Relapse. could be triggering !!!!!

I have relapsed guys thats why I havent been on here posting blogs. My apologies to my followers and those who are reading this. I have to say though if you are truly interested in what I have to say please follow this blog because it would make my day to see more followers.

As I said before I have relapsed. I am very suicidal at the moment. I have had a few attempts. The Borderline personality disorder seems to be getting the best of me, its like I have two brains, and the bpd is taking over at the moment. Just continual images, of skyscrapers etc. Leading me to eventually giving in. I am not proud of this by any means. But when you keep seeing the same thing over and over and dreaming about it even in a psychotic sense, visualizing everything and seeing yourself jump from a building, then it becomes literally an obsession to do it. Well I tried guys but there were latches on the window of the 6 storey building. Otherwise I would not be here telling this to you.

I do hope this is not too distressing to hear because it is nothing personal to any body. Its just I havent got a handle on the Bpd and it seems to be ruling. The eventual outcome of that experience was that the police caught up with me and were concerned wanting me to see the Catt Team Crisis team. They gave me a phone call but nothing else was done. You tell me if that is sensible. Leaving someone who obviously is in distress that they cannot control alone, in their surroundings. Yeah smart one DHB.

Anyway ended up attempting yesterday as well through another method. That was thorted in the end because there was a knock at the door and it was dad arriving home. Some how though I ended up saying goodbye to friends on facebook and leaving a suicide note for my folks. The police was called by friends of mine and my dad was informed. From there ended up mum being informed and so on. So yes not fun.

Still in a bad place. I am taking all my meds so thats not the issue, and I have been having counselling etc. But in a place that I cant seem to move my mind from. Its like a psychotic obsession. Except this psychotic obsession has got it in for me with plans rather than just emotions or feelings or thoughts that I can wipe out.

The other day my Bpd told me to go for a walk at 10.30pm at night. It pestered me so much that I ended up doing so. Now anyone else or myself in my right mind would say that is not a brilliant idea to do that because you could get raped, hurt, you are vunerable as a woman out at night on a empty street. But my BPD mind didnt care about the consequences and I had to shut it up because it was driving me crazy having the same plan going round and round and round in my head.

Anyway today is a new day but I am still incredibly suicidal. In fact too vunerable that I dont want to leave the house I dont know if thats a curse or a blessing. But driving a car is not a safe option right now and neither is walking up the road.

anyway bloggers thats me for now

just wanted to let you know why you havent seen me on here.


cheers


Tash

War against bpd.

I hv been really dwn tis wk. couldnt even go to supermarket easily today the idea of facing ppl nightmare when you hate yrslf.tonight I drew away frm facebook in order to create space so I could disappear for good. not bullshitting anyone when u live with borderline personality disorder the struggle is just sometimes too hard. It plainly sux up down round the bend and back again.im strong but christ. Not to mention not being able to control impulses sux mine has been catalogue shopping of late
Not good. Especially when u r on a benefit try telling bpd mind that...oh my.....oh well pressure too frm folks get a j o b . Easy to say not to do especially keeping the job when u hv bpd.
Anyway cant promise I will stick around bloggers.
Mike king was bak on nutters club radiolive for monthly dose. Carole was guest on maori tv nutters club. She lost her son to suicide. That was sad.
Saw family on skype tonight felt so disconnected. Werid. I feel not much for them now after was excommunicated frm church and family and friends. After yr disconnected how do u build relatnships that shattered do u even want to.? Big question marks....can u truly fix a shattered self.
is it worth it?

Tash

Frustration but just keep going

Its not easy dealing with a mind that you dont understand. One moment for something then the next running away frm it. Borderline personality disorder is so draining. No one can understand unless they live with this condition. I dont want to be negative in this blog but the truth is I dont know how long I can keep surviving when the pain of this keeps eating away at me. I try to stay positive but forever am disappointed especially since my mind cannot stick to sumthg instead it goes back and forth like a yoyo.

My sunday afternoon closure

Hi hv spent afternoon sorting out my boxes downstairs. I havent been ready up till now to face up to their contents as there are memories and glimpses of the past but I am going through my stuff now with a positive outlook and a feeling of closure. I know my past has not been ideal but im going ahead and creating the life I want for myself presently and future. I was surprised to see many items including jewellery pieces I thought were stolen. Pleasant surprise to see them again. Even such reminders of my ex husband didbt get me down ans thats good when you can look at an item and not have a feeling. Just you say thats the past. Hes my past and I wonder who will be my future. I cant believe how clear my vision is. I even picked up pamphlets on depression and umm do I keep them? A sign that I dont want to go backwards only forwards.its amazing what the right meds can do that and therapy and support. But you also need to be ready to turn a corner in yr life. I read my posts frm wks ago and wonder who that depressed creature is as life seems optimistic and full of possibilities right now. Thats good when u can laugh and joke and mean it.even with grandad being the way he is I am not allowing myself to fall into deep depression. Always try and see the light.

I hv boxes galore to go thru. Niw in my room. But its ok cos nz got talent on tonight. So will hv sumfg to watch.

I miss my laptop but been listening to good ol cds on stereo.yay. And dancing around mi room.....

All blacks playg italy just turned on tv...love watchn men in black..go abs.

Not much to say but jipper japper so will let u folk go take care.

Tash.